


Tears of Grief

by icantbelieveimdoingthis



Category: Junjou Romantica
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cancer, Canon Gay Relationship, Character Death, Drama & Romance, Gentle Sex, Hospitals, Love, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Sad, Tragic Romance, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, tears of grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-21 12:39:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 47,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14285118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icantbelieveimdoingthis/pseuds/icantbelieveimdoingthis
Summary: Misaki is about to die and Usami has to live with the dark prospect of life without the one he loves.(Warning: Character death)





	1. Chapter 1: Andante

Chapter 1: Andante

 

Butterflies had never looked so fragile before.

That was Usami Akihiko’s first thought when he found one lying on his doorstep that grey morning, wings furled up like a forgotten love letter. He picked it up with one hand and felt the tiny thing tremble in his palm, fluttering out its last breaths feebly. He blinked slowly, watching how the wings beat the air in coded Morse: red, black, red, black, shivering and blinking like a motel room sign. It felt like a final, melancholic message somehow but he didn’t want to understand it. Life was devastating enough already.

He laid it gently on the soil of a potted plant by the door. Its bright red wings stood out starkly against the brown earth. A memory flashed in his mind. A red scarf fluttering in the wind. Dark brown hair slipping through his fingers. A soft laugh.

Did everything feel like an omen today? Or was he just going crazy?

The air inside the apartment was cold. He hurriedly walked in and shut the door behind him. February was never a good season for the invalid, given how frigid it was, as though winter made a pact to strangle every last bit of warmth out of Japan with its cold fists. He climbed up the stairs two at a time, listening to his heartbeat in the quiet house and hearing the creaks of the steps beneath his weight.

It didn’t use to be like this.

There was a time when he would chase his lover around the house, threatening to include him in the next erotic novel if he didn’t comply to his wishes. There would be a tussle, a tickling session that promptly ended with the both of them tangled up in each other on the floor, breathless and laughing until their sides ached. He’d press his large hands against the other’s chest and feel the relentless thudding of a healthy heart. “Is this beating fast because of me or the run?” Those warm eyes were crinkled up with joy and mischief.

“Act your age, you old man.” A teasing poke of a red tongue from that mischievous mouth. How Usami wished to silence that mouth with a long, deep kiss.

“I can’t help it if my boyfriend is such a kid. You rub off on me pretty well.” And every word of that was true. For someone who didn’t have such an excellent childhood, being with his lover felt like another chance, a fresh start to relive all the innocent joys he never experienced before: to laugh, to joke around and to finally realise he didn’t always have to be the perfect adult and to finally learn to live a little.

He always felt so alive with Misaki.

“Usagi-san?”

He looked up, startled. His reverie faded away like cool mists on a hot day. Reality was staring him in the face now and he felt something deep inside him clench tightly. The voice that called out his name was softer than it used to be, weaker and tired, as though all the spark had drained out of it. His violet eyes softened and he stepped forward to reach for the shadowy figure framed in the doorway of their bedroom.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” he whispered softly.

Misaki stared up at him silently, those wide green eyes looking too big for his sunken, pale face. “I think I’m losing my hair.”

Usami paused for a moment and looked over Misaki’s shoulder to their messy bedroom. Back in the old days, his bedroom looked like a warzone before Misaki came over to put it straight (and also chew his ear off for being a slob in the process). Now, he could clearly see into the joint bathroom where dark strands of hair were all over the bathroom floor, brown curls against pristine white tiles like an odd mosaic. Usami gazed at Misaki for a moment before gently running a hand through his hair. Sure enough, a fair amount of it came away in his hands until he was cradling a handful of brown fluff, softer than snow. Misaki looked away and Usami gently held him by his shoulders, forcing him to look at him.

“Misaki, we knew this was unavoidable. It’s ok.” Usami whispered, placing a soothing hand on his cheek..

The young man shook his head and said, “It’s just…I can’t believe it’s getting worst. I thought the therapy…”

Usami simply took his hand and led him back into the bedroom, gently settling him down on the bed, watching as Misaki drew his knees to his chest. It took him a moment to realise that he was wearing one of Usami’s old sweaters. The blue fabric complemented his creamy pale skin nicely and the more he stared at the constellations of random freckles dusting the nape of his neck, the more he wanted to kiss it. But the older man shook his head as if to clear such thought and smiled reassuringly at Misaki who had a deep frown on his face.

“Well, that was a lot of radiation you wre subjected to. You didn’t expect to just walk out without any effects, right? The doctor said hair loss and some mild nausea was to be expected. We got through the nausea part pretty well, didn’t we? I’m just glad you’re still here.” He rubbed his back soothingly.

Misaki tilted his head to the side and a single tear slipped from his eye, tracing its way down his cheeks.

“Yeah, but for how long?”

A shadow seemed to pass over the room for a second.

Usami wrapped an arm around him and drew the boy closer to his chest. Misaki rested his head directly over Usami’s beating heart. Usami wondered if he could hear how loudly it was beating, how frantic the fear in him was. A moment passed with nothing but silence and his brief sniffles.

But suddenly, the boy shook his head and dragged a hand over his eyes, pulling away from the older man. Misaki rolled his eyes and mumbled, “Sorry. I’m just being dramatic. Losing my hair is the least of my problems now, I know…” He pulled himself away and huffed, blowing a stray strand away from his face. He looked apprehensively at Usami and whispered, “You’ll probably think I’m vain if I tell you this.”

“What?” Usami frowned. Misaki turned bright red and turned away, embarassed.

“I don’t want to complain but…this might be a problem.”

Trepidation increased in Usami’s heart. “What problem?” Was it some new disease? Was Misaki going to throw up all over him again? Usami watched with dread as the brunett took a deep breath, a dead serious look in his eyes.

“Usagi-san, I’m…I’m going to be bald! Can you believe this?! Now you’ll probably think I’m ugly and…and you won’t love me anymore!” he wailed, covering his face.

The tension broke and finally, Usami broke down in chuckles which escalated into full-blown laughter. Wrapping his arms around Misaki’s waist, he pulled him close and kissed his forehead, his nose, cheeks and lips in short erratic pecks as the other groaned and tried to squirm away.

“I’d love you even if you lost all your hair. Misaki, that is seriously the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard from you and believe me, you’ve said a lot of dumb things.”

“But it’s going to be so weird. I’ll miss having hair on my head.” Misaki said softly but even he found the absurd side of the situation and laughed as well, giggles wracking his skinny frame.

“I don’t love you because of your hair. That’s idiotic. I don’t care if you’re bald or if you have acne or if the medication made your legs drop off, multiply your weight and gave you a third eye. I’d still love you forever.”

“Umm…let’s hope those scenarios wouldn’t happen.” Misaki made a face at him and Usami felt the thrill in his heart again when he recognised some of Misaki’s old fire returning to him.

Sometimes, it was like living with a changeling. There were dark days when they would barely speak to each other, Misaki prefering to close himself off from the world, staring relentlessly out of windows and writing such morbid wills. And then there were days when it seemed like Misaki forgot he was ever ill and laughed with Usagi, teased him and generally annoyed the heck out of him with his sarcastic wit and dry humour. Usami liked the other Misaki better. This was the boy he knew best.

The one he fell in love with.

He stood up and held out a hand to Misaki. “Want to take a walk outside?”

“You know I get tired easily.”

“I’ll carry you on my back. Come on, you need some fresh air and less time in front of the mirror, lamenting about your hair.”

The smile breaking across his face was like the glow of a sunset. Usami just stared at him for a moment, feeling his heart overflow with love and letting those feelings wash over him, dragging the grief and fear back to the far future where they belonged. For now, he had this. He would always have this. And he was determined to hold on to it for as long as he was allowed to.

“Ok. Let’s go.”

***

_Note: I decided to name all the chapters after musical terms. When I play a melancholy piece on the piano, this story always somehow comes to mind. I adore a grand tragic opera or a soft sad ballad. This story is somehow a mixture of both._

_Andante means at a walking pace, moderate speed;_

_like walking to a destination you do not know yet,_  
_like finding ways to make a walk both longer and slower, to slow time down_  
_because you want to feel the wind on your face,_  
_the warmth of a hand in yours,_

_because you want to enjoy the view/ because the person next to you is the view._

_(PS: Yes, I'm that same person from that fanfiction account posting as Miss Katyana in case you're wondering. Let's see how this works out.)_


	2. Chapter 2: Cantabile

Chapter 2: Cantabile

 

“You know, the words ‘sad’ and ‘love story’ should never be used in the same sentence.”

 

Usami looked up from his manuscript, raising an eyebrow. The glasses perched on the tip of his nose slid forward slightly when he bent over Misaki who was lying down with his head in his lap. The brunett was smirking at him.

 

“Are you criticising my latest story?” Usami snorted.

 

Misaki fiddled with the frayed ends of the woolen blanket draped over him and muttered, “It’s just really tragic and pathetic. I don’t do both. Like, a love story shouldn’t have to break people’s hearts. You write these for women for god’s sake!”

 

“I assure you women are made of sterner stuff than you think. I’m pretty sure they can handle this pathetic, tragic story of mine.” Usami laughed and lightly swatted Misaki’s face with the manuscript. His lover chuckled and Usami felt his heart skip a beat. 

 

“You know what I mean. People read your work because…well, your love stories are real and honest. They want escapism, a fantasy. I’m sure reality is already harsh enough for them already.”

 

Usami reached for the coffee mug on the table and took a thoughtful sip. Misaki rarely even complimented his works because after all, he was a reluctant muse for those…ummm…passionate scenes. He was pretty sure the sales of his latest novel had soared through the roof but that was the last one he had ever published before…

 

He didn’t mind going on hiatus for Misaki. It was the least he could do, staying up till midnight to sort out the hospital bills and call the best chemotherapists the city had to offer. He didn’t mind never picking up his pen to write ever again if he had to hold Misaki’s hand through endless rounds of hospital visits. He missed it, of course. Not being able to write felt like someone had amputated his limbs.

 

Maybe this was the last novel he would ever publish. This shabby little manuscript clutched in his hands held a tale of tragedy and romance, joy and deep sorrow. It was written during the long hours waiting in the doctor’s office, scrawled on bits of napkins or memopads as he paced the halls, thinking about Misaki. It wasn’t much compared to his other epic works. Also, it was darker and full of themes he had never explored before: surrealism, grief and metamorphosis.

 

“Let me try to publish this at least. Maybe they’ll like it.” Usami shrugged. But something in him told him that he was lying. He didn’t feel like anyone would read his works now and what’s even stranger is that he did not even care if they did. Sometimes, he had to ask himself why he wrote in the first place. What was the reason he even put pen to paper, scrawling out illegible characters and bringing a shadowy world to life?

 

Misaki tugged the manuscript down to eye level and said softly, “Trust me, the way the story ends will not go down well with them.”

 

“What’s wrong with it? I thought it was pretty fine. The hero gets to return to the past and then his lover is reincarnated…”

 

“But then the hero dies at the end so their lover’s soul can be reborn in their body. Come on.”

Misaki made a face and frowned at Usami. “They’ve been through so much. At least let them both live.”

 

“Life doesn’t work out that way.” Why was he being so pessimistic? His lips were set in a grim line as he gazed down at Misaki who stared quietly back. But then he sat up and cupped Usami’s face firmly with both hands.

 

“Promise me you’ll let them both live.”

 

The elder man opened his mouth to protest but Misaki pressed a finger against his lips. “For me. Please. Think of this as my last request.”

 

Usami wondered why he cared so much about the two characters in his novel. They weren’t even likeable characters. The protagonist was too flawed and the other character was a murderer for heaven’s sake! But something in Misaki’s eyes made him keep his mouth shut as he solemnly nodded.

 

“You have my word. I’ll give them a happy ending.”

 

Misaki broke into a wide smile and he kissed Usami on the cheek tenderly. “Thank you.”

 

_But what about your happy ending, Misaki?_

Usami put the novel away and gathered him into his arms, suddenly feeling all those uncontrollable emotions wash over him all over again. He buried his face in the hollow of Misaki’s neck, feeling so helpless and weak. He hated himself for caring too much. He was supposed to be strong but right now, he couldn’t bear it. The tears came faster than he could stop them and Misaki just stroked his hair gently as the choked words spilled from Usami’s lips.

 

“You know I love you so much. Forever. I’m yours forever.”

 

“I know, Usagi-san. I know.”

 

Suddenly, Misaki whispered, “Can you sing me a lullaby?”

 

Usagi looked down at him, puzzled. Those emerald green eyes had never looked more serious. “My back hurts again.”

 

His hand slid down to touch Misaki’s spine gently and Misaki winced softly. “It’s been like this since yesterday. Where they put the needles in.”

 

Misaki gave a small sigh and he turned over, burying his face in Usagi’s lap, muffling his words. “I’m so tired, Usagi-san. I just want to sleep for a long, long time.”

 

There was a lump in the older man’s throat as he recalled how sometimes he wondered if that was how he would lose Misaki. If he would just go to sleep one night next to him and he’d wake up to a stone cold body the next day with not even a chance to say goodbye.

 

But Misaki seemed to sense he was hesitating and he put on his best puppy dog look, widening his eyes and biting his lower lip. “Please?”

 

Usami chuckled and slowly took off his glasses, placing them next to his manuscript on the table. There they were surrounded by pieces of an imaginary world and yet Usami wanted more than anything to stay in this real world even if he had such little time left with the person he loved. “I’m not such a good singer though. And you ought to know that my father wasn’t the type of man to sing lullabies to his son before bed.”

 

“Well, what about your mother?”

 

Silence. And then Misaki felt a large warm hand stroking his hair tenderly, tucking strands behind his ears and fluttering over his eyelids. “Does the pain of missing someone ever go away?” came the cryptic question in place of an answer. Typical Usami. Always hiding his feelings and true meanings behind cleverly-worded metaphors or questions.

 

“I will always miss my parents, Usagi-san… but I think it’s not about making the pain go away. It’s learning to live with it. It’s realising that it doesn’t have to define you.”

 

“You say some pretty deep stuff when you’re ill.”

 

“It must be all those chemicals in my treatment making me a genius. I bet I can pass my Heian era literature exam if they gave it to me right now.”

 

Usami laughed but he thought about Misaki’s request for a lullaby and how Misaki told him that the pain of missing would never go away. Did he ever realise that perhaps the heaviness of missing someone always lies on the shoulders of the ones left behind? Just like the way a lullaby is sung, the person left behind singing will have to watch the other person sleep without them. And there might be no telling If they’d ever wake up.

 

Still, an old tune came into Usami’s head, as elusive as a spring breeze from a mountain. He vaguely remembered it being strangely more cheerful and upbeat (with a vague 80s retro feel) but when he opened his mouth, a bittersweet, slow tune came out, strangely roughened by his deep voice.

 

_Tooku ni ite mo kimi ni todoku darou_

_Kono boku ga kokoro kome okuru messeeji_

_Kibou koso rashinban sa Ai wo yubisasu yo_

_Nemure Sotto nemure Asu wa yume tairiku_

_Kodoku ni obiete ita yuube no kimi_

_Boku no na wo yonde 'ta ne Mune ni terepashii_

_Kiseki nanka ja nai Towa ni ai wa enajii da kara_

_Nemure Sotto nemure Kanashimi wo wasurete_

_Jidai wa umi ni shizumu yuuhi no you sa_

_Hoshizora wo tobikoete kimi wo mukae ni yuku_

_Hoshizora wo tobikoete kimi wo mukae ni yuku_

 

Misaki listened to it in silence the whole way until Usami finished. Usami grinned, feeling rather proud of himself to remember some remnant of his childhood that at least seemed like a comforting lullaby. To his surprise, Misaki gave a chuckle. “Usagi-san, was that song…from Kamen Rider?”

 

Usami seemed horrified. “It was?” he wished that he could have said it was some tune his butler Tanaka sang him to sleep with but truthfully, the song seemed like a random tune from a television show that got stuck in his childish brain when he was younger. He looked down at his lover and Misaki was wearing a mischeivous grin on his face.

“And you said you didn’t watch a lot of action shows since you just wrote all the time.”

“Hush. I tried my best.”

 

Misaki gave a sleepy laugh and rolled over. “You have a nice voice.”

 

The older man flushed and looked away. It wasn’t like him to get embarassed by Misaki (it was more often the other way around). Still, the sound of his lover’s slow, even breathing comforted his heart.

 

Huh, perhaps he could sing lullabies after all.

 

The house was quiet and cozy as Misaki finally sank into his deep sleep, forgetting the pain for a moment.

 

Usami took up his pen and silently scratched out the unhappy ending on his manuscript. He didn’t want anymore people facing the pain of missing someone long gone, not even his characters.

 

_***_

_Cantabile means in a singing style or manner_

_Like singing a forgotten song from your childhood_

_Like humming out of tune for someone you love to make them laugh_

_Like a melody from a romance show playing at low volume on your first date_

_Because with them, your heart is filled with music/ because they are the music in your heart._

_Ps: here’s the translation of that song. Hoshi no rarabai (star’s lullaby. I didn’t expect it to fit so well for this story on the first try, I swear._

_Perhaps I can reach you, even though you're far away_

_I send you this message with all my heart_

_Hope is certainly a compass that points to love_

_Sleep, sleep gently, for tomorrow is a continent of dreams_

_Last night you were scared of loneliness_

_The telepathy in your heart called my name_

_It's not even a miracle that in the future our hearts will be energy_

_Sleep, sleep gently, forget your sorrow_

_The years sink into the sea like the setting sun_

_I'll jump across the starry sky to collect you_

_I'll jump across the starry sky to collect you_

 

***

_  
_


	3. Chapter 3: Crescendo

Chapter 3: Crescendo

The sky was the colour of soft grey that morning when Usami woke up, blinking rapidly. It wasn’t the usual colour of unfriendly chilled steel that marked the season of winter. Somehow, this felt like a good omen.

 

He took a deep breath and rolled over in bed to face his left. Misaki’s back was to him and somehow, miraculously, a slow beam of winter sunlight had broken through the sleet-grey clouds outside to trace its way slowly over Misaki’s sleeping form. It brushed every hair on his head light gold, illuminating him in an ethereal halo.

 

Usami just stared quietly at him for a while, letting himself be in the moment.

 

 _I don’t remember ever seeing Misaki so thin like this before…_ he thought to himself as he reached out one hand to gently rub his lover’s bony shoulder through the thin shirt he wore. Usami’s old t-shirt from his bygone college era looked surprisingly good on him but there was no denying that he looked much thinner, a bare shadowy skeleton of his usual self. He ran his knuckles gently over the knobby bones sticking out of his spine, trailing his hand down and feeling Misaki’s ribs ease themselves out of every breath in a rhythmic pattern. Up and down. Up and down. In his mind, he suddenly remembered the butterfly he saw on the front porch days ago.

 

The sun had crept into their room, a silent third visitor watching them. Usami leaned over to press a tender kiss on the crown of Misaki’s head, breathing in his scent; the hint of their shared lemon shampoo and morning bedhead. He wanted to slow down this moment like an old video tape and pause it forever.

 

Suddenly, Misaki rolled over with no warning and wrapped his arms tightly around Usami, dragging him over to his side. The older man’s eyes widened in surprise as he lost his balance and toppled heavily on top of Misaki bt the brunett didn’t seem to mind. He gave a sleepy smile so adorably charming that it nearly stopped Usami’s heart and promptly tipped his head up to plant a deep kiss on Usami’s lips.

 

Usami’s violet eyes blinked rapidly in surprise but he eventually couldn’t keep his mind straight for any longer. Misaki’s lips were soft and yielding, as warm as the first day he kissed them in the cold rain outside his house. Eventually his eyes drifted shut as he got lost in the kiss, letting the sweetness of it overwhelm him, washing over him like a tidal wave pulling him under the ocean. He gave a low moan of soft delight and deepened the kiss, cradling his lover’s head in his hands, exploring, tasting and telling a coded love poem with his lips. There was softness, sweetness and just endless warmth filling his mind as he allowed Misaki to take the lead which was something he rarely did in their normal routine. Misaki boldly nipped at the seam of Usami’s lips and playfully slipped in his tongue to dance slowly along Usami’s. Usami pressed more kisses against Misaki’s closed lips. The boy was smiling like he was the luckiest person in the world.

 

After what felt like several long, heady minutes, Misaki finally broke away for breath and Usami too turned over to his side to take several breaths to steady his heart. Misaki had never kissed him like this in the morning before. He rubbed his eyes several times to make sure he wasn’t dreaming before turning to Misaki and giving him a look of perplexed wonder. Misaki was wide awake now and grinning. He looked fine and it made Usami almost forget he was sick.

 

“Good morning.”

 

A short laugh escaped the older man’s lips. “Is this how you’re going to say good morning to me every day now?”

 

Misaki sat up in bed and hugged his knees, his smile wobbling a bit. “Yes. Your wish has come true, pervert.”

Usami leaned back in bed and drew Misaki towards his chest. It felt like such a slow, lazy morning where even the snow didn’t bother to drift down at normal speed. The intoxicating golden sunlight was addling his brain, making him remember Misaki’s sun-dappled bare skin on hot summer days, tasting of sweat and lust. He mumbled absentmindedly, “I’d like us to do more than kiss, to be honest.”

 

Misaki laid his head on Usami’s chest and rolled his eyes but Usami knew even his eyes closed that his cheeks were coloured a warm shade of rose red. He loved it when Misaki blushed. The boy was silent for a while before saying suddenly, “I love you.”

 

No maybes. No perhaps. Usami blinked in surprise. Misaki never outwardly told him he loved him even if he did show it to him in other ways like making sure he didn’t starve or bundling Usami up in warm clothes before sending him outside. Sometimes, he’d open his bento box and see a note scrawled in Misaki’s clumsy handwriting: _REMEMBER TO EAT THIS, IDIOT._ He smiled fondly at the memory and caressed Misaki’s hair softly. “I love you too. What’s with the sudden announcement?”

 

Misaki replied, “Nothing. Just wanted to say it more often, is all.” A shadow crossed his face for a while but a second later, it was gone, replaced by a bright smile. “Usagi-san, there’s sunshine today! Do you think we might be able to go outside? I’m so bored being stuck at home like this.”

 

Usami hesitated. He knew that he should be glad that Misaki was suddenly feeling well enough to ask him to go out with him but the cancer loomed over his mind like a dark cloud impossible to dispel. “Misaki, maybe we should stay inside. It’s cold and you just finished your treatment last week so perhaps your legs are too weak to walk…” he trailed off seeing the disappointed look on Misaki’s face.

 

“But I’m feeling fine! I’m perfectly okay!” he pouted and Usami chuckled.

 

“If we do go out, maybe we need a wheelchair for you.”

 

“WHAT?! No way!” Misaki shook his head vehemently, his cheeks redenning with frustration as he glared daggers at Usami. “I’m a cancer patient for god’s sake, not an amputee. My legs work fine. I just want to take a walk somewhere while it’s nice and warm outside. It’s not like I’m asking us to climb Mount Fuji, geez…”

 

Usami kept quiet, remembering their walk two days ago that ended up with Misaki weakly staggering back home, his legs giving way and Usami finally carrying him on his back as Misaki’s lips mouthed “ _itai…itai…_ ” over and over, tears trickling down his cheeks. _It hurts…It hurts…_ Where does it hurt, Misaki? _Everywhere…it hurts everywhere…_

 

The younger man took Usami’s hands in his, squueezed hard and whispered, “Please? Just for this once, treat me like I’m not sick. Treat me like the way you always do.”

 

His green eyes welled with tears, shimmering like a pool threatening to overflow. Usami’s heart twisted painfully in his chest. Hadn’t he always treated Misaki the same way? Hadn’t his love barely diminished in weight or depth even with this monstrous cancer threatening to tear them apart, tossing them on roughened seas without so much as a lifeboat?

 

Seeing Misaki so desperate and sad the first thing in the morning was not the way Usami wanted to start his day. He made up his mind right there and then. “All right, all right. We can go anywhere you like.”

 

The smile that lit up his face was more than worth it. “I actually want to go shopping for food too. Vegetables, meats and such.”

 

“What for? We have tons of food here.”

 

“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s mostly just microwaveable food. I can’t have my…my…l-lover eating like a broke college kid when I’m around, just so you know...” His face turned the colour of a bright crimson strawberry, Usami’s favourite fruit.

 

A slow, mischeivous smile spread over Usami’s lips. “What did you just call me?”

 

Misaki got out hurriedly from bed and stumbled towards the bedroom door. “You w-wouldn’t get me to repeat that, pervert.” He said, embarassment colouring his every word.

 

“Yes, but perhaps you can use another word for me. Master? Husband? _Goshujin_? Love of my life?” Usami got up and ruffled his hair playfully from behind. Now he understood what Misaki meant. He hadn’t teased him in ages, hadn’t made him feel desired in the way a normal lover would. The cancer had sometimes made the both of them feel like unlikely room-mates arguing over the best way to exterminate the rodents in their shared premises. Hardly romantic or sexy. _So he misses it too…the passion and the romance? I always thought he hated it…_ Usami thought in wonder.  

 

Still, Misaki was alive, here with him now, complaining loudly as he tried to push Usami’s heavy arms off from his shoulders. “You’re so heavy. Get off me! I need to bathe…” Usami was determined to make the most of this opportunity while he still could.

 

“And where is that seductive young man who kissed me so wantonly in the morning? I thought you wanted this?” Usami turned on his old charm without even trying, giving Misaki that sly smile that easily reduced his knees to pudding. Misaki’s face turned redder as he fumbled with the bath towel nearby.

 

“I have to bathe now.”

“Well, so do I. Maybe we can do it together?”

“GET OFF ME!”

“Misaki-kun, you’re so adorable when you’re mad like this.”

 

As he playfully kissed Misaki’s cheek, things almost felt like they were back to normal.

 

Almost.

 

……….

A few hours later, Misaki was dressed in his warmest clothes and waiting for Usami at the front door with his arms crossed impatiently. “Come on! We don’t have all day.” He called out, tipping his head to the side.

 

Usami smirked as he draped his own scarf around Misaki, wrapping it around so many times until it obscured half his face. It might be rather sunny outside but winter is unpredictable. There might be sudden cold snaps out of nowhere and he’d rather have Misaki look like a giant egg than have him catch pneumonia. “Fine, fine…you’re in such a hurry this morning.”

 

In the car, they talked about nothing in particular, circling around the usual issues of cancer or death like expert figure skaters. Usami was determined to make Misaki’s wish come true by treating him the way he used to. The world flashed by them like a half-written poem, buried in glistening snow but with patches of butter yellow sunlight scattered across expanses of white like spilled gold. Misaki couldn’t stop talking about how pretty today looked and Usami felt a smile creep on his lips. His lover was gazing outside with a look of pure wonder on his face. It was hard not to be charmed by how spontaneous and joyful he was sometimes. He reminded Usami of an excited puppy.

 

“Sumi-senpai sent me a postcard yesterday. I received it in the mail.”

 

That sentence made Usami snap out of his happy mood for a moment and he snorted as he turned the wheel to a hard left. “Oh, really? What did he say?”

 

“Not much. He just wanted to know how I was getting along. He said that university was boring without me…” Misaki played with the fringes of his scarf and he piped up, “Oh, and he also hoped Usagi-san is doing fine and keeping his good looks.”

 

“Shameless flirt.” Usami muttered, rolling his eyes a little. He’d never really get over the small twinge of jealousy in his heart whenever he heard Misaki talk about his old university senior/friend even though that man was clearly just using MIsaki to get to him. Nevertheless, things are very different now. Misaki seemed a little starved and grateful for any outside correspondence. Anything to remind him of the life he used to live as a regular student…before the cancer came along.

 

“I miss going to classes and lectures…ugh, I can’t believe I’m saying this.” Misaki sighed. “Everything is so quiet when you’re sick. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to be a real person.” He looked outside at the traffic lights glowing red in the snowy air, his quietness betraying his true emotions.

 

“Guess I can’t really go to university anymore if I’m too sick to attend classes with everyone else.”

 

Usami kept quiet. Sure, Misaki was kindly allowed to be homeschooled and take online courses. He was studying for his finals the same way the university allowed other ill students to. He could finish his degree at his own pace but somehow, it didn’t feel the same. Being sick was a burden that he carried fresh on his mind all the time whenever he was studying or reading. Could he live long enough to finish his studies? Was it worth it if he might not even live to see his first career? These questions lingered long after all was done like an endless dial tone in the darkness.

 

There was no harm in trying and Usami knew Misaki would never give up without a fight. He was too proud, too fiery and spirited to allow this disease to take any more of himself away.

 

“We’re here.” He smiled as he pulled into the parking lot. The local park was teeming with more people than usual. Joggers puffing their white breaths in the air, dog walkers and their pets, old men and women strolling among the snow, children playing tag and enjoying the warm spell. Misaki got out of the car and breathed the cold, crisp air with delight. He shaded his eyes against the sun glinting off the snowy paths like sparkling diamonds. “I haven’t been here in so long!”

 

Usami put his arm around Misaki and walked them slowly into the park entrance. The flowers were still covered with frost or tightly budded but the trees were powdered with a delicate frosting of snow, looking like beautiful dark chocolate sculptures decorated with sugar. The two of them fell into an easy, slow pace walking next to each other and winding through the small crowd. In view of the public eye, a subtle distance separated them but they were familiar with this. They said nothing as they walked with barely their hands brushing against each other. The sun glinted off Misaki’s hair as he gave a shy smile at Usami. It seemed to say all the hidden things in his heart. _Thank you for bringing me here. This is the happiest I’ve been in a while._

 

They settled down on a bench by the side of the lake and gazed at its calm, glass-like surface without a word partly because Misaki was breathing noisily and trying to hide his exhaustion while Usami was trying to keep to his promise by pretending everything was normal. A teenage boy and girl sped past, giggling as they intertwined their fingers and shared a hot bun.

 

Usami subtly reached over and laced his gloved fingers through Misaki on the bench, not caring if anyone was looking anymore. The sun glanced off the lake and made him squint for a while. It was really warm for a winter’s day. Misaki squeezed weakly back and turned towards him, smiling wanly.

 

“I’m okay.”

 

“Of course you are. I’m here with you.”

 

Silence for a moment. Then, Misaki piped up, “Did you know that there are swans living at this lake?”

 

“I had no idea.”

 

“I see them every spring and summer. I think they migrate when it’s colder. They look so graceful and pretty whenever they swim past.” Misaki smiled wider. “I used to come to this park a lot when I was little. My brother would take me with him and we’d feed our leftover bread to the swans. When I went to university,  I still kept coming here but there weren’t many swans left.”

 

Usami stared at the lake, imagining young Misaki chasing swans and throwing bread at them, giggling joyfully. The thought made his heart smile.

 

“Misaki, did you know that swans mate for life?”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes, and they can be gay too.”

 

“Homosexual swans? You’re pulling my leg.”

 

“Nope. This is real. In my opinion, real nature doesn’t care about gender. If you find your soulmate, you’re not going to care about anything else. You’ll just know because everything is better with them.”

 

Misaki was silent for a while before saying quietly, “I feel better with you.”

 

They snuck a glance at each other and smiled softly.

 

When they walked back to the car, Misaki’s feet dragged themselves slower than usual. Usami looked at him worriedly. Just a few more steps and his hand was on the door handle. Misaki looked unusually pale. _Well, it’s time we got home anyway._ Usami thought worriedly. He glanced at Misaki again, wondering whether he was okay.

 

For a moment suspended in time, Misaki looked up at Usami, opening his mouth as though he wanted to say something important.

 

Then he coughed bright red blood all over his chest.

 

If Usami were religious, this would be the moment he would start praying frevently to an unknown god because as Misaki slumped down, crumpling to his knees like a fallen flower, stained red with crimson warmth bleeding from his lips, he felt a panic and fear he had never known before seize his body. In a flash, he dashed over to Misaki, shouting his name in a strained, frightened voice that barely seemed like his own, crying out his name in a desperate whisper than slowly increased into a helpless wail.

 

“Misaki? MISAKI!”

 

His eyelids were closed and his hands were dyed scarlet from covering his mouth. The blood was bubbling from those pale, chapped lips that Usami had just kissed this morning. Usami could barely focus as he took out his phone to shakily dial the number for the nearest hospital. A group of people had clustered around them, whispering in anxious tones. Panic spread through them but not as badly as the type of panic eating away in Usami’s heart. A woman stepped forward and took his pulse in a quick, professional manner. A few men helped to keep the crowd at bay.

 

“Don’t worry. He’s still alive. Keep him warm. Help is on the way.”

 

Usami realised he was crying and he didn’t even care anymore. The swell and murmur of the crowd behind him washed over him like meaningless static.

 

_Misaki._

***

_Crescendo means withincreasing loudness or intensity_

_Like a scream of someone dropping down a cliff_

_Like the climax of a frightening thriller_

_Like the anguished cries of someone fearing for their heart which roams beyond their body_

_Because you’ve never known true fear until you have truly loved_


	4. Chapter 4: Delicato

Chapter 4: Delicato

“Is he okay?”

 

Usami looked up from his crossed fingers and saw Takahiro Takahashi, Misaki’s elder brother standing over him, panting like a racehorse. Sweat beaded on his forehead and his breath puffed out white clouds in the cold air. The sheer worry and concern on his face just amplified the wrongness of the situation even more and Usami swallowed hard.

 

The hospital was bustling around them but it was oddly quiet in the waiting room despite the screaming inside Usami’s heart.  He stood up shakily to greet Takahashi and replied in a low voice, “I don’t know yet. He’s still inside the ER.”

 

Takahashi closed his eyes and breathed out unsteadily. He sounded as though he was exhaling the whole weight of the world. There were dark smudges around his eyes which he rubbed over and over again with tired fingers as he mumbled slowly, “I thought the cancer was supposed to be in remission. The doctor said he had a few more months, years even!”

 

Manami Kajiwara appeared and placed a gentle hand on her husband’s shoulders. Takahashi trembled and then in a rare betrayal of typical Japanese stoicism, he allowed himself to weep freely.Usami gulped helplessly, watching the man he was formerly in love with cry like a child, small, frightened sobs escaping his trembling body. Manami placed both arms around his at this point and massaged slow, comforting circles into his back. “Be strong, dear. Misaki’s a strong kid. He’ll pull through. I know he will.”

 

Then Manami turned to face Usami and said, “Thank you so much for taking him to the hospital. We know you did all that you could.”

 

But all Usami could think of was how Misaki had asked him to take a walk earlier. Was this all his fault? Did he somehow ingnore any warning signs that this would happen? But deep inside, he knew he couldn’t have seen this coming or prevented it either. That was how cancer worked. It was the so cruel and callous, striking and snatching things away without  giving any warning before it did. Usami felt as though he had been trapped in a sudden snowstom and he couldn’t even feel the ground beneath him.

 

After being comforted by his wife, Takahashi managed to regain control. He dragged a shaky hand over his streaming eyes and said in a calmer voice tinged with embarassment and sadness. “I’m… s-sorry you had to see that. Maybe…maybe I should get us some tea or coffee?”

 

“Coffee, please.” Usami’s voice didn’t even sound like his own anymore.

 

The moment he walked away, Manami turned to him and whispered, “You called us so quickly and your voice was so quiet that I thought…the worst had happened. That would have crushed my husband. He really does love his younger brother.”

 

Usami tried to imagine his elder brother shedding tears over him if he ever got into an accident or if he were stricken with the same cancer Misaki had. It was hard to even visualise. But any fool could see that Takahashi would cry tears of blood if anything happened to his younger brother whom he had cared for since he was a child. It was funny how both brothers could be so alike; they both wore their hearts on their sleeves proudly.

 

Manami continued in her quiet, mild voice. “But thankfully, you took quick action. You’re always the knight in shining armour around here, did you know that?”

 

“I was just doing whatever I could to save him. You know I love him.”

 

Manami cast him a sad smile. “Takahashi can never stop talking about you at home, Akihiko-san. Sometimes, he’d be so drunk he’d berate himself for being too busy to take care of his sick brother. But then he’d raise his cup to you and say thank goodness you were kind enough to look after Misaki like his very own godfather/ guardian angel. He said he might be indebted to you till he died.”

 

“There’s nothing to be in debt for. You both have your own married life and families to take care of. Misaki wouldn’t have wanted to impose himself upon you. You know that. He’s always worried about being a burden.” Usami looked outside of the window at the snow-covered garden below. Thick, heavy flakes were falling from the formerly sunny sky and blanketing the world in a quiet hush of pure white. His heart felt heavy inside, thinking about the guilt Takahashi must have felt secretly in his heart. That’s the thing about loving someone so much. You’d want so badly to protect them from all the horrors in the world and when you couldn’t, you’d die a million times each day.

 

Manami bit her lip and said hesitantly, “Yes, I can see that is how Misaki-kun would think. But I also must say thank you for…” she trailed off and Usami turned to her, tipping his head to the side in curiosity.

 

“I want to thank you for making Misaki happy.”

 

Usami took a deep breath. Manami was the only person he told about his relationship with Misaki. She knew they were lovers and fully supported them although she did not tell her husband. She had been their quiet confidant on Takahashi’s side. She had been the one who convinced her husband that Misaki could stay with Usami when Misaki wanted to move out. She had mentioned that she fully trusted the older man to look after Takahashi’s brother.

 

She smiled at him and bowed respectfully. “Misaki is happier with you and I read somewhere in a self-help book that it’s important for those with terminal diseases to spend time with people they love more often because it can help with their morale and their recovery. It’s clear that the boy adores you.”

 

Usami smiled faintly. “I just wish I could tell Takahashi the truth.”

 

Suddenly, someone cleared his throat awkwardly behind him and Usami turned around in surprise. There was Takahashi standing behind him, holding two cups of coffee and pushing up his glasses in embarassment. He gave a sheepish smile and said clearly, “You don’t need to. I already know.”

 

It felt like all the air had left Usami’s body and he bit his tongue in shock. How on earth could this be real? Takahashi had been so oblivious the whole time they were dating that it seemed impossible that he even knew about their relationship. Usami opened and closed his mouth, for once at a loss for words.

 

Takahashi smiled ruefully at his reactions. “Yes, I knew you and Misaki were a couple for a few months back. You could say that a little birdy couldn’t stand seeing me so stupidly in the dark as I had been years ago. Although I have to say I was indeed a complete idiot for not noticing it sooner.” Manami grinned at him and her husband shrugged.

 

He held out the coffee cup to Usami and continued talking. “Why else would we have allowed Misaki to stay with you? I genuinely believed you would take care of him and although I tried my best to send him for regular treatements, I was always working out station and travelling too often to truly be there for him. This is why I must thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kindness. You’ve always been like a brother to me and it makes sense why my brother would fall in love with you.”

 

Usami wondered if he should ever tell Takahashi about those times in college when he had been helplessly in love with him. He had spent sleepless days and nights wondering if Takahashi would ever return even a sliver of emotions. But somehow, seeing Takahashi happy with his new wife brought him deep peace and he decided it did not matter anymore. Misaki was the one for him and he had finally laid his past to rest. A small smile finally reached his lips and he said softly, ‘So…you don’t hate us for being gay? Are you okay with us being together…as a couple?”

 

Takahashi’s eyes widened in surprise. “Why on earth would I be offended or even hateful if you two are gay? There is nothing wrong with you two! You should be free to love whoever you want. I’m just so grateful because Misaki found someone who genuinely loves him and cares for him. And to be honest, I’m glad it’s you because I know you, Usami. I can tell you’d take a bullet for him from the way you talk about him sometimes.”

 

Now it was Usami’s time to feel a bit embarassed. Perhaps it was already too obvious to hide his feelings if even Takahashi could see through them. Still, he couldn’t help smiling and feeling like a great burden had been lifted from his heart. He had feared rejection and at worse, Misaki being disowned from his family. But for his brother to acknowledge them and give them his blessing was more than he ever imagined.

 

Suddenly, a doctor appeared beside them, carrying a clipboard. He looked from Manami to Takahashi and said, “May I see the closest relatives of Misaki Takahashi, please?”

 

Takahiro immediately lifted his hand and stepped forward. “I’m his brother. How is he, doctor?” The worry had crept back into his voice but this time at least his eyes were dry and his tone was steely, as though braving himself for whatever news he received.

 

The doctor nodded and replied, “Thankfully we managed to give him a blood transfusion. He was experiencing severe haemorrhaging an hour ago but he is in stable condition now. Unfortunately, the intestinal cancer has spread fully this time. After we analysed his CT scan, our best doctors have confirmed that the cancer cells have multiplied.”

 

Manami placed a hand over her mouth and Takahashi looked straight at an overhead light as though trying to blind himself instead of crying. Usami felt himself grow numb all over even as he found his voice forcing its way out of his throat without his control. “Should…should we continue the chemo treatment then? Is there any hope for him, doctor?”

 

The doctor bowed his head and replied, “The treatments from now on should only be able to prolong his survival. There is only a 1% chance of recovery now. I am so sorry. This may be the best time to make the proper arrangements.”

 

The unspoken weight of death hung over them like a piano teetering on a delicate thread from the ceiling.

 

The doctor opened the door to the ward and nodded sympathetically. “You can go in to see him now. He’s been asking for you.”

 

Takahashi hung back to ask the doctor some more questions as Manami and Usami walked into the ward. Usami felt his eyes well up with tears when he saw the figure lying so still on the pristine white sheets, hooked up to a dozen machines and beeping monitors. He drew closer and saw Misaki’s pale, sleeping face and the dark hair that swept over his forehead like chocolate ganache. He couldn’t help letting out a choked sob and Manami placed a gentle hand on his shoulder.

 

Then those pale green eyes fluttered open and the first word Misaki uttered was, “Usagi-san?”

 

Usami gently touched Misaki’s hand which lay limply on the bedspread, trailing an IV drip. “Misaki. I’m here.”

 

“I’m alive.” His eyes softened and he whispered brokenly. “I thought I’d never get to see you again.” He turned his head to Manami and he smiled groggily. “Manami-san. You’re here too?”

 

She nodded, swallowing her tears. “Your brother is here as well. We’re so glad you’re okay.”

 

Then the door closed gently and Takahashi was running over, embracing Misaki to the best of his ability. The heart monitor made loud beeping noises and Misaki groaned a little, complaining that he was hugging him too tightly. But Takahashi was weeping too freely to even care. It was only after Manami dragged him away and admonished him for embarassing himself did he regain some composure. He smiled at Misaki through his tears and whispered, “The doctor says that you get to go home soon but not today.”

 

Misaki closed his eyes and said softly, “It hurts. I feel like I swallowed a cactus and my stomach is seriously giving me shit for it.”

 

Takahashi hesitated a little before he said, “There’s something you need to know about…about your cancer.”

 

The boy did not say anything and Takahashi decided to continue in a rush as though he knew if he spoke too slow, his courage would dry up and never return. “The doctor said that your cancer has returned worse than before and it’s now at a 1% chance of recovery. He said you may not have much time left.”

 

The room was completely silent. The only sound they could hear was the steady dripping of the saline drip and the humming of the radiator in the corner, occasionally interspersed with pops and hisses like it was trying to chime in with Morse code.

 

But to everyone’s surprise, Misaki did not burst into tears of anguish nor did he sink into deep melancholy. Instead he asked quietly, “How much time do I have left?”

 

“With the treatment, you’d be able to live for another five months at least.”

 

“Without it?” Misaki’s voice had become a soft murmur.

 

“…less than two weeks perhaps.” Takahashi couldn’t continue without tears besieging his eyes again. He turned away so Misaki could not see him cry but the boy just continued staring at the ceiling, his face white, pale and thoughtful. He seemed at that moment to be thinking very deep, incomprehensible thoughts. As though he were listening to some far away music none of them could hear.

 

Then he looked at each one of them in turn and said calmly in the familiar, brave voice they all knew so well. “I am not afraid of dying. Honestly, I’m more worried about what would happen to you all when I’m gone because you all seem pretty lost already even when I’m still around.”

 

Takahashi’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head and he stopped in mid-sniffle. “W-what?”

 

Misaki’s lips quirked up in a half smile and he reached out to weakly grab onto his brother’s hand. “You need to stop crying, nii-san. I’m not dead yet.”

 

“It’s just that…you…you deserve better!” Takahashi said in an angry sob, rubbing his fist angrily over his eyes.

 

“Life isn’t fair. There are people suffering worse than me who deserve way better. Why should I be shown favour over them? The wheel of life turns unevenly. We can gripe over it or just learn to live with it.” Misaki raised an eyebrow.

 

Usami had never been in more awe of him than he had ever been in that moment.

 

Then, Misaki did something even more surprising. He looked seriously at Takahashi and said, “Since I don’t have much time left anyway, there is something I need to tell you.”

 

Takahashi looked up at him curiously. Taking a deep breath, the young man seemed to steady himself and gather up what’s left of his courage before he pointed to Usami and whispered, “I am in love with Usagi-san and I think you ought to know.”

 

Misaki continued hurriedly but in a clear, steady voice. “I’m sorry if you are disappointed in me or if you don’t agree but this is my choice and I need to be honest with you before I die. I’m tired of hiding the person I love from my only brother in the world. You need to know that I love him. So very much.”

 

Usami’s eyes widened in surprise and his mouth fell open. Misaki was barely even blushing and the way he spoke with such forceful authority did not even sound like his usual self which struggled to even express a simple “I love you” to Usami let alone a public display of affection like this. But here he was bravely coming out to his brother and he did not even seem fazed by his impending death. Usami had always thought of Misaki as something delicate and sometimes soft like a helpless puppy but right now, he never seemed stronger and sure of himself.

 

But his elder brother just smiled and said kindly, “I know, Misaki. I’ve known for a while now.”

 

Then, his brave and cool composure broke and a flustered Misaki started stammering, his cheeks suddenly glowing bright pink. “W-wait…what?!” 

 

Finally, his brother laughed and said, “Manami told me this year. But I’m proud of you for being honest with me. This is what a true man should do.”

 

Misaki looked away, suddenly highly aware that Usami was staring at him, open-mouthed. “But did you ever know before?! I figured you were embarassed of me. That’s why you kept quiet.”

 

Takahashi shook his head. “I think I just ignored it before because I was stupid and maybe I couldn’t really accept it at first. I thought I was the normal one and maybe I felt uncomfortable seeing the interactions between you two. But believe me, I think I knew it all along but I was in deep denial. Now all I can say is…can you forgive me for being so blind and never giving you my support all this while?” He placed his hands in Misaki’s and smiled kindly.

 

Misaki looked down and said quietly, “I thought you’d think I’m weird.”

 

Manami chimed in with her elegant laughter and ruffled his hair with her perfectly manicured hand. “We’d love you anyway. It must have been so difficult to keep such a huge secret all alone but you don’t have to anymore. We’re here for you and we accept you no matter what.”

 

Light filled Misaki’s heart and his face relaxed into a contented smile, shy and pleased with this unexpectedly joyous moment. Takahashi suddenly took Misaki’s hand and joined it with Usami’s on the bedspread. He smiled at the both of them and said, “You both have my blessing to be together. Not that you needed it in the first place but I know everything now and I hope you’re okay with that.”

 

Usami couldn’t help joking, “Not everything we do, I hope.”

 

“Oh, I have my eyes on you now that I know you’re with my brother. You better take care of him, you hear? I wouldn’t hesistate beating your gay ass up if you hurt him.”

 

Misaki looked down at their hands shyly and asked, “Ummm…nii-san? How did you know Usami was gay? I thought he hid it so well from you.”

 

Takahashi rolled his eyes and placed both hands on Misaki’s shoulders. “Misaki, he writes BL novels for goodness’ sake!”

 

“Women write those too, Takahashi.”  Usami piped up.

 

“Oh, really? Well…he has very good fashion taste as well and seems to attract both sexes anywere he goes. Maybe he emits some pheromones? Some hormones? Homo-phones?? Dammit, what’s the word?”

 

Manami gave a giggle and Misaki looked ready to bury himself in the floor. Manami took her husband’s arm and said gently, “I think you’d better stop now before you humiliate yourself further, dear.”

 

Takahashi sighed and just looked kindly at Misaki. “Look, I’m not the best at this. I’m still learning and I’m new to this world of yours but I promise you I still support you one hundred percent.”

 

“Thanks, nii-san. This means a lot to me.” Misaki’s eyes were bright.

 

Then, he looked at Usami and said firmly, “Usagi-san, I’ve made a decision.”

 

“What is it?”

 

“I want to stop the treatment.”

 

No one said a word for three full seconds. And then Takahashi blurted out, “But why? You heard what I said before, right? Five more-“

 

“Five more months of pain and vomiting and more pain.” Misaki cut him off. “yeah, I heard. This is why I don’t want to continue the treatment. It’s not working anyway and I’m still going to die.” He took a deep breath and stared into Usami’s eyes so intensely that it nearly stopped Usami’s heart.

 

“I want to live. Even if it’s for a short time, I want to be happy. I want to be free to make my own decisions and die on my own terms. I don’t want to live the rest of my days worrying about whether my treatment is prolonging my life. I know my days are numbered. So why can’t I spend them the way I want them to? With someone I love?”

 

Takahashi was solemn and quiet for a moment before he said softly, “You’re the bravest person I ever knew, you know that?”

 

Misaki grinned and replied, “I had a good role model while growing up, nii-san.”

 

They shared a brief look of deep love and understanding before Takahashi got up and walked to the door with Minami. He smiled at Misaki and said, “We’ll be discussing some paperwork with the hospital to get you out of here soon. Don’t worry. In the mean time, why don’t you spend some time with Usami?”

 

They waved cheerfully and Misaki tried to wave back but the tubes in his hand held him back. He managed a sleepy smile as they left, closing the door behind them. Now it was just him and Usami in the room, holding hands tightly.

 

Usami cleared his throat, feeling strangely shy. His emotions felt as though they were scraped raw with glass. He had gone through a turbulent three hours waiting for Misaki to wake up and he thought this was really the end. And yet, against all odds, here they were. Together again.

 

Misaki seemed to have lost some of his boldness yet again and he laid back tiredly on his pillow. “Ugh, everything hurts.”

 

Usami looked at him and smiled apologetically. “I’m sorry our walk ended up like this.”

 

“Me too. But every cloud has a silver lining. Nii-san knows about us now! I really never saw that coming.” Misaki’s face lit up in a proud smile. Usami leaned over to kiss his forehead.

 

“You were so brave back there. No, scratch that. You’ve always been brave and capable and strong. Beautiful and innocent and…”

 

“Okay, stop that. You’re embarassing me.” Misaki’s face turned crimson again and Usami gently ran his knuckles over Misaki’s cheeks. Then Misaki coughed and asked weakly for water and Usami poked a straw into a drinking cup and held it up to his lips to sip from.

 

Suddenly, Misaki mused aloud, “Do you think that there’s a silver lining to cancer too?”

 

Usami frowned. He did not know what to say so he replied cautiously, “Perhaps there is. I think it makes life more precious somehow. The idea that it can be taken away so easily by a mutating cell too small for our naked eyes to see makes life more transcendent and ephemereal. You have to truly appreciate it to live it well.”

 

“I think cancer gives you bravery sometimes. Like just now, I was brave enough to tell nii-san about us.” Misaki closed his eyes and said softly, “But I wonder if it’s just because of the threat of dying. Maybe if I had more time to live, I might have not been brave enough to say the things that matter because I’d think I’d still have more time to do it.”

 

Usami shook his head. “I think it depends on who you are inside. You were always brave, Misaki. You just needed the right time to show it.”

 

Misaki smiled at him, that soft tender smile that he reserved for Usami alone and said nothing more. Then he said cheerfully, “I’m hungry,”

 

“I could peel an apple for you. There’s a fruit basket here.”

 

“Yes, please.” Misaki sighed happily and whispered, “I can’t wait to go home with you.”

 

A lump rose in his throat and Usami replied softly, “Me too.” Then he couldn’t help it. The tears bubbled out of his eyes as he reached for the fruit basket and the peeler. The tension he had in his chest had finally bubbled over and just the joy of seeing Misaki safe and the bittersweet happiness of hearing him saying that he was still around to go home with him was too much for him to handle. Usami sobbed so hard that he could barely see straight and the peeler in his hand shook dangerously, threatening to slice off his fingers instead.

 

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” Misaki murmured, stroking Usami’s head weakly. It was ironic that this time, he was comforting his lover but Misaki knew that sometimes, you had to cry. A sudden random memory popped into his head. It was his first time and he had cried so hard after Usami brought him to orgasm but Usami didn’t seem to mind. _It’s okay to be scared and happy at the same time. That’s what first love is about._

 

Maybe we all had to cry sometimes for the weight of bittersweet love, the fear of losing someone we truly loved and the delicate state of being with them because you were so happy and so afraid that perhaps something would shift and everything would burst like a soap bubble.

 

Usami was talking amidst his tears. “You know I’ll take care of you, right? Forever. I’d do everything and anything for you.”

 

Misaki looked at his crying lover and his eyes traveled to the fruit in his hands. Then he burst into giggles. Usami frowned, thinking Misaki was laughing at his statement of true love. “Why are you laughing?”

 

“Usagi-san, I know you would do anything for me but you definitely can’t peel that fruit in your hands.”

 

Then Usami looked down and realised he had been trying to unsuccessfully peel a pineapple for the past five minutes. The peeler lay mangled on the bed and the spiky fruit looked reproachfully up at the grown man trying to attack its tough scaly skin with such a pathetic tool.

 

Finally, the humour of the situation kicked in and the two of them burst into peals of laughter, falling backwards on the bed.

 

***

_Delicato means delicately_

_Like a delicate breeze blowing the winds of change, whispering new meaning in your ears_

_Like the state of a heart pushed to the brink of exhaustion_

_Like the small glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel_

_Like a flame in the breeze with a moth fluttering around it, trying its hardest not to get burned but drawn deeper towards it all the same_

_Because it is inevitable for us to dance around a tightrope forever_

_Ps: sorry for the late update. I have a headache due to my period and ughhhh  I’m going through a lot right now since my grandma is sick (T.T I’M SO WORRIED ABOUT HER) and university looming up in just one week._ _L I’m nervous about both honestly so I guess that writing Tears of Grief helps me to exorcise some of my demons and put down some of my worries down in the form of a story. Sometimes, I too wake up with the fear of losing people I love and I get so paralysed with this anxiety of it that I forget to live. But in the end, I realise that my characters in this chapter made a lot more sense than I did. If we keep focusing on how many days we have left with someone or something, we’d forget about focusing on the meaning and joy in those days. Stop counting. Start living. And dear reader, do me a favour and tell someone you love or care about them today or do something nice for someone you love. It’s never too late to show you care. Don’t wait until it’s too late and don’t wait for some disease to make you speak up. Thanks so much for reading. I sincerely hope that you’re having a good day, that you’re taking care of your mental health and that even though I’ve never met you, I hope that reading my work provides some comfort or escape for you (but this is an angsty fic with sure character death so I’m also sorry if this fic damages you at the same time. Don’t worry. It hurts me too). -Love, Katyana._

 

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5: Allegro

Chapter 5: Allegro

Misaki burst into the living room, carrying a stack of heavy boxes and staggering a little from the weight. Usami stood up in alarm, his silvery hair plastered with sweat all over his forehead and his shirtsleeves rolled up to his elbows. He could barely see Misaki behind the mountain of cardboard boxes and he rushed forward worriedly. “Misaki! I told you to wait for me!” he said exasperatedly.

 

The brunett dumped the boxes on the floor with a loud crash and straightened up, huffing and wiping his flushed face. He stuck his tongue out at Usami and retorted, “You were too slow, old man. I packed all these an hour ago!”

 

Usami rolled his eyes but he still felt slightly worried as he pushed Misaki’s hair back. Not that there was anything left to push back since he had tied his front bangs up the way he always did when he did housework. “I told you not to push yourself too hard.” He still felt worried about his lover’s health but Misaki just smiled at him defiantly. He looked like he had never felt better in days although there was still a gauntness to his cheeks that spoke of his time in the hospital.

 

“Don’t worry, Usagi-san. This is the last of them. You should worry about your own health. You’re not even wearing a face mask!”

 

“Says the boy with cancer and a dust allergy.” Usami snorted but Misaki just nudged him playfully in the ribs, laughing. He took no offence honestly. It felt fun to make jokes about his illness sometimes. It took the power away from the cancer to hurt him and he felt this whole business could be too dark sometimes. _Oh, Misaki. You’re so brave to be facing this monster! But we must not talk about it because no one should breach this terrible, tragic taboo topic!_

The truth was cancer was shit and Misaki was done trying to keep it under wraps like some hushed dead relative that no one could speak about for fear of offending him. It felt good to reclaim the very thing that threatened his existence and spin it around on its head to see it in a less frightening light. Like unmasking the bogeyman under his bed and putting a party hat on it instead.

 

Still, Misaki felt winded and had to sink down on the couch to catch his breath for a few long moments. He hadn’t been the same since his last grand bleed out and no matter how many times he tried to assure everyone that nothing had changed, he knew his body couldn’t keep that lie up. Without any medication, it was slowly but surely rebelling against itself and weakening him with every passing day. Still, he was determined to chafe against it as long as he could. He took a few deep breaths and waited for the room to stop spinning and for the black spots to fade from the edges of his vision. His stomach hurt as usual but he was sure it was just a pulled muscle.

 

Usami didn’t say anything when he saw Misaki place a hand over his abdomen and struggle to hide the spasm of pain that crossed his face. Instead, he just sat down quietly beside him and slipped his hand into Misaki’s.

 

A few minutes passed before Misaki said proudly, “Anyway, isn’t it great that we’re doing some spring cleaning today? You never cleaned this house before I came, I’m sure.” Usami shrugged but it was true. A smirk touched his lips when he remembered the state of his room before Misaki came. It made a pig sty look like a five star hotel.

 

“You call this spring cleaning?” Usami asked mildly and waved his hand generally in the direction of all the boxes scattered in front of them. There were boxes of all shapes and sizes piled up haphazardly in corners and stacked up in the centre of the living room like precarious towers. A red sleeve poked out of a crate marked with the words “Fresh strawberries. Wholesale” while a pile of comic books laid neatly in bound piles next to it. It looked like they had sorted out half their belongings to be moved into a new home but they both knew it wasn’t a spring cleaning. Not exactly.

 

Misaki didn’t reply straightaway. Finally he turned to Usami and said calmly, “What would you call this then?”

 

Usami just stared quietly at the books, clothes, items, furniture and various paraphernalia spread out in front of him. All of them belonged to Misaki. All of them were things he had touched, played with, loved, hated, got bored of and marked with his existence. They were checkmarks of his life on earth, his past neatly boxed up and hidden from the world. 

 

And he was giving them all away.

 

Misaki stood up and stretched. Usami couldn’t help noticing the way his shirt rode up on his belly when he raised his hands, exposing his bare back and slender waist, glistening with sweat. He swallowed hard. Misaki was speaking again and his words filtered into Usami’s ears as though from a very long distance. “For someone who has only lived 20 years of his life on earth, I sure collected a hell lot of junk.”

 

Usami made his way to his side just as Misaki knelt down to pat a hand fondly on a box filled with his old school uniforms. “Are you certain you want to do this, Misaki?” he asked softly.

 

Misaki turned to look at him and raised an eyebrow. “Well, the doctor did say I should make appropriate preparations. I can’t bear all this junk accumulating in your house long after I’m gone. Might as well donate it to charity or sell it in a yard sale. Then I can use the money to benefit some other more unfortunate people.”

 

The older man did not know what to say for a moment and he just gazed at his lover, so determined already to leave his past behind. “Aren’t you even sentimental with any of the things here? You should at least keep some of them.” Usami said, his voice slightly desperate.

 

_Actually it’s me who wants to keep as much of you around, Misaki. I want to remember you even when you’re long gone and if it were up to me, I’d never give anything away._

It was like Misaki could read his mind and his face softened kindly with understanding. “You can keep some of the things, Usagi-san. But I don’t want you to hold on to too much stuff. It’ll make it harder to move on.”

 

“Did Manami’s self-help book teach you that?”

 

“Well, one of us had to read it!” Misaki raised his hands up in exasperation and finally, a smile broke out on Usami’s face. “That book is going to be one of the things I’m donating to the charity. You see if I don’t.” Misaki huffed. Both of them knew Manami meant well but “101 Ways to Deal With Cancer and its Irreversible Side Effects” was the MOST depressing thing they had ever read.

 

Misaki rolled his eyes and recited, “Irreversible side effects of cancer. Number one…dying, I guess?”

“It isn’t exactly something you deal with either. It is just something you forge through like a blizzard.” Usami chimed in and Misaki nodded.

 

Usami opened the box and peered inside. He wasn’t sure what to keep but in the end, Usami managed to steal a tattered red scarf he remembered Misaki wearing during one of their winter dates. Misaki divided his things into two piles: one to donate and one to sell. “You can fetch a pretty good price for all of this.” He said cheerfully, holding up his old video game controller, laptop and table lamp. Usami sighed and asked thoughtfully, “Does giving everything away make you feel better? I don’t really get it.”

 

Misaki frowned and replied, “Well, it makes me feel lighter somehow,” he grinned wistfully. “It’s a humbling experience. I guess I feel…freer? Like I realise I don’t have to be defined by all the objects I’ve bought and owned. I feel better knowing someone else can use them even when I’m gone. I can’t read these in the grave.” He lifted a comic book and waved it limply in front of Usami.

 

Suddenly, the door bell rang and Usami got up to get it. Manami and Takahashi stood in the front entrance, smiling warmly. “Ready to go?”

 

Usami looked down at his sweaty shirt covered with dust and he paused for a moment before reluctantly saying, “Sure. Give me a few minutes.”  


Takahashi had loaded the rented van with whatever was left of Misaki’s childhood belongings. If there were any conspicuously missing, he did not mention anything. Takahashi and Usami shared a look of understanding. It felt too early to give everything away but they just wanted to do whatever they had to give him peace.

 

The journey to the second-hand shop took less than half an hour and MIsaki had dozed fitfully in the backseat as Usami wrote out a cheque donating whatever they had earned to the cancer foundation as Misaki had ordered him to. Finally, they were nearing the orphanage when Misaki woke up with a jerk. He seemed almost surprised to find Manami beside him and she was saying, “You should get out to stretch your legs a little.”

 

He smiled and opened the door, stepping unsteadily on the ground. He didn’t feel to weak to walk so he forced himself to take a few ginger steps towards the old building. Suddenly, he spotted Usami and Takahashi carrying boxes of his belongings inside and he decided to follow them. He passed pictures in the halls drawn by the orphans in messy finger paints. A cat. A dog. A butterfly. A waterfall. A smiley face next to a sad one. Misaki looked at each and every one of them with fascination and some sadness in his heart. He stuck his hands in the pockets of his jacket and wondered for a brief moment about what his life might have been like had his nii-san not taken care of him as a child. Would his painting have decorated the grey walls of this orphanage as well? What would he have drawn?

 

Misaki finally reached the main playroom where most of the children were playing. Usami was there, talking to one of the matrons and he realised they were giving away his old childhood toys and storybooks to the children there. The children tumbled over each other, giggling and cheerfully calling out to one another like chattering birds as they dug through their new treasures in that old crate marked with “Fresh strawberries. Wholesale”. Somewhere deep within him, his heart clenched painfully with both joy and sadness as he let the whole unlikely situation wash over him.

 

The matron seemed to be listening to Usami very closely as he explained. Misaki was too far away to hear their conversation but the woman’s face seemed to contort in sympathy the longer they talked so he knew that Usami was perhaps explaining where the donated toys had came from. Misaki looked down at his feet for a moment, taking a deep breath to aviod sudden tears spilling over. He hung back and leaned against the doorway tiredly to watch Usami from afar. He had never seemed more handsome and capable than he was right then, dressed in a plain white shirt with its front buttons wrongly done up in a hurry. His face looked tired but still, a charming smile was on his lips and Misaki could almost hear him speaking in those hushed, deep tones that could melt even the coldest heart. He longed to run his hands through his silver grey hair, the colour of moonlight or pewter. He was so engrossed in watching his lover that he didn’t notice a tiny hand tugging on his sleeve.

 

Misaki looked down in surprise to see a boy of about eight years old looking up at him and holding a green toy figurine. Misaki recognised it as one of his favourite action figures when he was a child. He grinned kindly at the kid and knelt down to see him at eye level. “Hello there. Nice to meet you.”

 

“Hello!” the small boy chirped. He had a plaster on his nose and his messy black hair looked as though it had never seen a comb in ages. He grinned an innocent smile with two front teeth missing. “Why are you wearing a hat inside?”

 

Misaki placed a hand on his beanie in surprise, not realising that he had worn it inside. But he couldn’t tell the real reason he wore it was because he was losing even more of his hair so he just replied nonchallantly, “Oh, I’m just a little sick, that’s all.”

 

“Like a cold. Do you have a cold?”

 

“Something like that.”

 

The boy nodded wisely as though he fully understood how bad colds could be and pointed at the box of toys in the middle of the room. “We got new toys today.”

 

“I know. They used to belong to me when I was a kid.” Misaki confessed.

 

Instantly, the boy’s face lit up and he cried happily, “REALLY?! Thank you so much, nii-san! They’re the coolest toys ever!” He lifted both arms in the air and made his new figurine fly around like a superhero. Misaki couldn’t help smiling at his antics and he ruffled his hair gently.

 

The boy stuck out his hand and said, “My name is Rin.”

 

“I’m Misaki. Pleasure to meet you, Rin-kun.” Misaki shook his hand formally and the boy grinned proudly at being greeted like a grown up.

 

“Will you be staying here to play with us?”

 

“Ah, no. I’d love to but I have to go home because I don’t feel very well. Sorry.” Misaki smiled apologetically.

 

The boy looked sad for a moment but then he perked up and said, “Do you want to read some Kanji? My mom wrote this for me.” He sounded really proud of it and Misaki knew he might have taken the opportunity to show this to everyone he met. Misaki nodded gamely, playing along.

 

Rin was talking again as he fished around in his back pocket for a grubby piece of torn paper. “Not all of the kids can write as well I do. I want to write real calligraphy someday just like my mom! I can read lots of words too.”

 

“I bet you can.” Misaki said brightly. Rin couldn’t stop smiling as he finally unfolded the paper and showed it to Misaki. There, patterned neatly and beautifully in expert brushstrokes were several elegant Kanji characters.

 

“It means _long life and happiness_!” Rin said happily. He looked pretty pleased to be able to read such complicated Kanji at his age. Misaki smiled at him and praised, “That’s right. Did your mom teach you that?”

 

Rin shook his head and said quietly, “No. She died in a car accident. The older kids taught me how to read this. She gave this to me before she left the house so this is my treasure.” He bit his lip and clutched the paper close to his chest.

 

A sharp pain coursed through Misaki’s chest when he looked at Rin and he realised he was seeing himself from years ago in the body of this small boy. Then the pain lodged in his heart faded and he placed a kind hand on Rin’s shoulder. “I lost my mom in a car crash. My dad too.”

 

The boy looked up at him in surprise and Misaki continued talking. “I miss them very much. I’m sure you miss them too. We both know what it’s like to miss people we love. But we need to be brave because we’re still alive and we need to live our lives the best we can. They would have wanted us to do that. We must be brave, Rin-kun.”

 

Rin sniffled and looked at him thoughtfully. “I wanna be brave too.”

 

“You already are. I said that already, didn’t I?” Misaki smiled and the boy responded with a spontaneous hug.

 

The boy looked at him in the eye and said in the most grown-up voice he could muster, “Misaki-nii, I wish you a long, long, long life and much great happiness. Everyday!”

 

Then he ran off to play with his friends, waving goodbye wildly. Misaki smiled until his cheeks hurt and waved happily back.

 

He was sure he did not have long to live but for a moment, he felt the serendipity of his life wash over him. Misaki thought long and hard, trying to see everything the way a child would.

 

He had lost his parents but he had gained his brother.

 

He had gained cancer but he had lost his shyness and now he appreciated life more than ever.

 

He would never live long enough to have stories written about him. He would never be someone huge, famous or important to the world.

 

But he had found someone to love and someone to love him. That was enough to bring him great happiness for the rest of his life, right?

 

Usami suddenly appeared behind him and placed an arm around him gently, smiling. “There you are.”

 

Misaki gazed up at his face and felt such joy in his heart, spreading softly like a rose unfolding its petals. “You’re still a little sweaty,” he teased and brushed Usami’s hair out of his eyes.

 

“Well, I had to unload all your boxes alone. Of course I’d be sweaty.” Usami smiled at him and Misaki leaned against his shoulder. They walked out of the orphanage into the late afternoon  sunlight.

 

“Didn’t nii-san help?”

 

“He was too busy saving your old items instead of donating them.” Usami chuckled and sure enough, they could see Takahashi sneaking around the van, putting boxes inside secretly while Manami laughed. Misaki couldn’t bring himself up to be annoyed. Instead, his heart was touched by how much people cared for him.

 

“Am I really that hard to let go of? Sometimes, I’m so afraid I might hurt you all because it’s awful loving someone who’s going to die. I’m just collateral damage.”

 

Usami lifted his chin with his palm and shook his head. “Never say that, Misaki. Listen to me. You. Are. Worth. It. I’d spend every single day with you and still never feel they’re enough. It isn’t awful loving you at all. We love you not because you aren’t able to hurt us but because you’re…you.”

 

Misaki flushed red and Usami pressed a fierce kiss on his forehead. “If I ever catch you saying shit like that again, I’ll punnish you.” He shot him a sly, seductive grin that made Misaki blush even harder.

 

Manami spotted them and waved a camera she pulled from her bag. “You two stay right there! Don’t even think of moving!”

 

Usami placed his arm around Misaki and both of them grinned for the camera. The flash went off and Manami plucked out the fresh polaroid, fluttering it gently in the air for a second before presenting it with a flourish to Misaki. “Make memories. Collect things, not objects.”

 

“Getting cheesy there, Manami-san.” Misaki teased but he smiled with delight at the Polaroid. He knew at once this was his favourite photo. He’d be keeping a snapshot of this memory in his mind forever. Wordlessly, he slipped the photo into Usami’s front pocket when they got into the van. A wave of tiredness came over him and he leaned against his lover’s shoulder the whole ride home.

 

In the days that would come, Misaki would remember the snapshot of happiness stubbornly even through his darkest times. He would remember it shining brightly in his mind when he would be vomiting his meal back up in the toilet, trembling and crying from the pain burning up his throat like acidic lava. He would remember it when Usami rubbed his back as comfortingly as he could when he coughed more blood into a bucket. He would remember it when he looked down at the sink and saw more locks of his hair fluttering down. Even through this endless hell, he refused to forget the only thing that gave him hope. He had to be brave. Rin was brave. Wasn’t he brave too?

 

He found himself looking in the mirror that evening. The medicine cabinet was down to the last bottles of pain killers and the last of his medication. He knew they needed to stock up soon even though it seemed laughably futile. However, he was determined to fight till the very end even though he knew he was losing. Still, he swallowed those pills angrily. There was no way in fucking hell he was going to just lay back and let death come for him. Let it chase him. Let it wrestle life away from him. Let it put up one heck of a fight. He wouldn’t make it easy.

 

The point of living wasn’t to minimise the damage done to others. The point was to care for one another despite being damaged.

 

As he walked around his newly vacant room, he marveled at how different it was. His room was empty and almost Zen-like in its minimalism. He had kept only the most meaningful of his posessions. He gave Suzuki-san a quick hug around its plush waist as he settled on the bed he shared with Usami. The closet was filled with less than ten garments of clothing. A pristine, dark suit was hanging in the shadows. Usami-san had helped him pick it out years ago when he attended his first writer’s gala. It seemed fitting to wear this in his casket but Misaki didn’t want to look at it now.

 

Misaki found the house too quiet. He had managed to keep a simple meal of noodles down for a while and the medicine had given him some strength to walk around the house, looking for Usami. When he found his lover in the kitchen, he was surprised to see him writing feverishly in an old notebook. He paused and watched him tenderly because Usami always looked so beautiful when he was focused in his writing, his concentration and passion written all over his face. Then Usami looked up and closed the book hurriedly. He gave Misaki a smile and said, “I was just thinking about you.”

 

He walked closer and took Misaki’s hands in his, lacing their fingers together. “Do you want to dance?”

 

Misaki’s eyes widened but Usami seemed serious. He turned on the nearby radio and immediately, a jazzy tune drifted out to wrap itself around them.

 

“Who are you and what have you done with Usagi-san?” Misaki joked. Usami playfully grinned at him.

 

“Can’t I dance with the love of my life? It’s too nice a day for us spend it quietly.”

 

 _Just like life_ , Misaki found himself thinking.

 

Usami leaned close to kiss him and Misaki found the lively beat of the jazz song echoing in his heart. For now, everything was all right.

 

So he closed his eyes, smiled and fell into the music.

 

***

_Allegro means in a fast, lively and happy manner_

_Like dancing under the moonlight until you tire yourself out_

_Like laughing with a child_

_Like the way the pinwheel spins, spreading light and rainbows everywhere_

_Isn’t this the way life passes us by? Too fast and joyous for us to notice?_

_(Ps: Uh, the next chapter has sex in it so if you’re ready for it, that’s totally cool but if you’re not, then feel free to skip it. My grandma is still sick as I write this and maybe I needed something bright to comabt the darkness in my head so I’m putting off the sadness as long as possible. IF you’re still sticking around even after this long, I seriously need to thank you because we both just can’t let this damn story rest in a grave peacefully until we’ve gotten closure. I’m trying my best. TBH I’m just building the road as I walk but we’re getting there. Eventually. Be patient. I love you all. Hope you had a good day today. And hey, you’re amazing. Yup.)_


	6. Chapter 6: Amore

Chapter 6: Amore

It was like a dream he never wanted to wake up from.

 

Usami breathed out a long, shuddering gasp as Misaki knelt in front of him, taking his long hard length into his mouth, slurping indecently and staring up at him with those wide green eyes that were tinged with both innocence and absolute lust. His long alabaster fingers tangled in Misaki’s hair as he whispered his name brokenly, syllables incoherent from the tingling bolts of pleasure racing up his spine. Misaki was taking him so deep in his throat and he nearly buckled from the feeling. His lover was looking straight at him fearlessly. He knew exactly what Usami was feeling and there was a hint of an impish grin on his face. It wasn’t often that he could make his lover cry out in delight like this. He had Usami pinned down between his lips, at the mercy of his roving tongue and his sly fingers caressing all his favourite spots. Misaki shot him a mischeivous smile that perhaps an incubus might have grinned at its victim and lapped at the swollen crimson head, glistening with pre-cum with teasing flicks that made the older man feel even harder, cupping his rock hard balls in his hands.

 

 _“Does that feel good, Usagi-san?”_ he purred before engulfing the whole length in his mouth, looking up at him through his eyelashes. With his cheeks bright red and mouth stuffed full with cock, his hair damp with perspiration slicked back by Usami’s shuddering hands and his eyes brimming over with perverted lust, he never looked more desirable. A deep, dark desire from the bottom of his soul overwhelmed Usami when he saw Misaki like that and without thinking, he released himself in his lover’s mouth, trembling with the force of his orgasm. He collapsed backwards onto the bed, panting breathlessly and in his dazed afterglow, he could hear the shocking sounds of Misaki…licking and swallowing. His violet eyes fluttered open in surprise and he saw the younger man in front of him licking his hands and spreading the thick, white liquid all over his lips. Sensing Usami’s eyes on him, Misaki grinned impishly again and put on quite a bit of a show by licking his lips seductively, slowly cleaning up the traces of cream all around his mouth. Usami watched, open-mouthed as  he placed his cum-stained fingers deep into his mouth and ran his tongue slowly all over them, indecently pushing more of the sticky white liquid into his mouth. He swallowed with pleasurably loud gulps and smiled a particularly cat-like grin at Usami. No trace of shame. No trace of any embarassment at all. Instead, it was clear that he was enjoying this from start to finish. It was a smile that invited him to fuck him until he was screaming with pleasure. A smile that said plainly “I’m all yours so let’s get down already.” It was the sexiest smile he had ever seen on his lover’s face and it turned him on more than anything in the world.

 

_Holy shit._

 

“Usagi-san?”

 

That familiar voice called out to him and anchored him firmly back in reality again. It took Usami some moments to open his eyes and drag himself out of the unyielding quicksand of his dreams. Eventually, the fuzzy ceiling of their shared bedroom came into focus and he was aware of the tent in his pants. He was painfully hard and he found himself blinking in confusion. Wait, had it all been a dream?

 

Instinctively, he pulled the blankets over his lower half and sat up in a hurry. Misaki was standing by the side of the bed, getting dressed in a baggy sweater that barely came down to his knees. The sight of Misaki not wearing pants underneath stirred something inside his body again and his hot erection twitched eagerly again. The brunett’s legs were slender and thin, creamy white although marred with some bruises. A slight pinch of hurt twinged in his heart when he remembered the fact that all cancer patients bruise easily and Misaki was self-conscious about those blue-black marks on his legs so he looked away surreptitiously.

 

Misaki sensed him watching and turned pink. “Ummm… You were calling my name in your sleep. Are you okay?”

 

Usami had no idea whether Misaki knew what he had been dreaming of. The memory of Misaki’s lips on his cock had been so devastatingly real in the wet dream that he found himself pausing for a moment to compose himself before answering. “Yes, I’m fine. I was just dreaming.” He shot Misaki a sly smile and Misaki rolled his eyes. But he could tell the younger man was curious.

 

“I’m not going to ask what you were dreaming about. It’s probably perverted.” Was it his imagination but did he detect a hint of sadness in Misaki’s voice when he said that?

 

Usami laid back and wondered whether he should act on his erection or perhaps even tell Misaki. It was probably a miracle if he could even persuade Misaki to suck him off in the morning but he could try of course. Usami cleared his throat and made a subtle move to push the blankets off.

 

That was Misaki’s cue to immediately jump up and turn his back on Usami, hurriedly pushing his legs through his pants and saying panickedly, “Ummm….I need to get t-to the…the kitchen! Yes, I need to cook! Breakfast!” He was more flustered and nervous than usual that Usami was slightly confused. The boy fled out of the room in a hurry, slamming the door behind him like the hounds of hell were at his heels.

 

Usami frowned. That seemed a little too skittish even for Misaki. He swung his legs out of bed and sauntered to the bathroom sleepily. A faint memory of Misaki writhing under him, legs trembling around his waist and his soft, high-pitched moans piercing the air drifted into his brain as though from another lifetime. How long was it since he had made love to Misaki? As in, thoroughly gave him a memorable, head-spinning time of pleasure full of passion and lust? He found himself struggling to remember. It was as though nearly all sexual tension had vanished the day he came back with Misaki from the hospital, holding MIsaki’s hand and the medical results in the other. He brushed his teeth thoughtfully, remembering those old moments of intimacy and turning them over in his mind over and over like precious gems.

 

He recalled fleeting bits of lust borne on the wind, Misaki crying out under him, the view from the ferris wheel when he pressed his lover against the cab wall, the scent of sweat and sex on the sheets, the soft vanilla and musk of Misaki’s shower gel as his large hands spread it sensually all over his chest and back, a pair of moist, kiss-swollen lips parted under his, stained juicy red with strawberries from a cream-filled cake. He smiled softly to himself.

 

Oh, and the feeling of shattering the world and remaking it whenever he climaxed inside Misaki. That too. He could never forget that.

 

Perhaps this would be enough for now. Perhaps he could keep burying his desire under everything else. He had no desire to be selfish after all. Usami spit out the mouth wash and found himself absent-mindedly gazing at all the medicine vials on the sink, a persistent reminder that things had changed. Nothing was the same anymore. The cancer had shifted their relationship to new and unstable ground, teetering dangerously with every step they took to navigate it. It was already so difficult for Misaki and the last thing he ever wanted was for him to feel uncomfortable with Usami being his usual perverted self. He had been so delicate lately. And the way he had run from Usami this morning, flustered and alarmed…. He was obviously not in the mood. Well, at least he would still accept loving kisses and hugs. Usami couldn’t really bring himself to complain.

 

Usami sighed, turned on the warm shower and dipped his hand down to take care of matters himself.

 

……..

 

Misaki breathed out heavily a couple of times to get his thoughts under control. His cheeks were flushed a brillant red hue and he slapped his face angrily, trying to stop the tears from squeezing out of his eyes. Did Usagi-san think he was an idiot?!

 

Of course he knew Usami had needs. Of course he knew why Usami was speaking his name out loud in his sleep. He ran a tired hand over his face and groaned softly. He had finally reached the kitchen and he half-heartedly tried to think of something to cook. The refridgerator hummed in a friendly way when he opened it up to look for some eggs and milk. However, he still felt flustered and ashamed of himself.

 

It wasn’t like him to run away like a frightened kid. Usami must think him absolutely childish. But Misaki couldn’t help it. Things hadn’t been the same since he had fallen sick. Obviously, he knew Usami loved him but sometimes, he felt as though Usami might be acting more of a caretaker instead of his lover. He looked down at the granite tabletop and bit his lip, frowning a little. Usami was an extremely passionate and sensual man. Of course he would be tempted to want to do more than spend the rest of his life looking after a sick person. Surely he had needs and desires that Misaki couldn’t satisfy. And even now…there was no way he would want him.

 

The tears that glistened in his eyes finally pooled over and streamed down his cheeks, blurring his view for a second. He settled the eggs on the table and gave a strangled sob, thinking about Usami. _I’m sorry, Usagi-san. I know you’re probably disgusted with me. I can’t even give you what you want. I can’t even tell what I want._ he thought bitterly to himself. All this while, Usami had seen him at his worst, from his hair falling out like dry leaves to him throwing up bile and blood all over the bathroom floor. There was no way he could remember any other version of Misaki other than this pale, frail, delicate shadow of him. Perhaps that was why he could only remember the old Misaki in his dreams. Misaki sighed sadly, his heart heavy in his chest. Usami probably missed the old Misaki more.The old Misaki was healthy and he would never really refuse his advances. Now obviously Usami probably felt disgusted waking up next to a cancer-ridden shell.

 

Hollowness filled Misaki’s heart once more. He felt like he was just a pale reflection of his past self and Usami was just taking care of it out of sympathy. He thought wistfully back to their old days when he would be running fast enough to evade Usami’s perverted clutches but knowingly giving in at the end to the temptation. Now, he could barely even walk a few metres without fainting in a heap.  

 

Suddenly, he heard a sound behind him and he quickly wiped the tears off his face in alarm. There was no way he was letting Usami see him cry. Then, the velvet sound of that deep, familiar voice called out cheerfully, “What’s for breakfast?”

 

A pair of strong, capable arms wrapped themselves around Misaki’s waist and he blushed, suddenly feeling shy. Usami’s warm lips pressed against his cheek tenderly and if he tasted the salty moisture of tears, he said nothing.

 

Later, they were sitting down for a meal of simple scrambled eggs. Usami stared at him from across the table, dressed in a simple white shirt and khakis, making occasional noises of appreciation for the food even though Misaki knew he forgot to add the salt. The pale winter sunlight shone through the windows and Misaki gazed outside obstinately, trying to avoid Usami’s curious eyes. The flakes drifting down were of a softer kind today, reminding him of cotton balls or fluff. It seemed much gentler compared to the harsh cold snap they had yesterday and his mood perked up slightly.

 

“How are you feeling today?” Usami asked casually.

 

Misaki looked down at his cup of green tea, feeling his good mood crumble again. “The same as always. Tired. Weak…”

 

Usami frowned. “Do you want me to get you more painkillers? Are you feeling any pain anywhere?”

 

Anger suddenly flared up in Misaki at the hopelessness of it all. Suddenly, his thoughts about Usami this morning drifted back into his mind and wrapped around him like a poisonous cloud. “What’s the fucking point? I’m going to die. Stop wasting your money on me.”

 

Sensing the shift in his mood, Usami put his cup down and shot Misaki a steady look. He did not seem mad exactly and Misaki wished that he would at least scold him or be disappointed in him. The tension in his shoulders went out like a stretched piece of cloth unwinding in the bath. He hated…feeling so helpless and feeling like Usami had to take care of him all the time. He was not used to feeling so delicate and fragile, like a porcelain doll no one could bear to get rid off. Ever since he taught himself to be independent since young, he never thought he needed anyone else to take care of him. Why…why was Usami so nice to him? Why had he never even mentioned how tiring it was to have a sick lover?

 

“I’m not wasting any money.  You’re worth every cent. We’ve talked about this, Misaki.” Usami said evenly.

 

“I’m just so…useless, Usagi-san. I’m just a burden on you and everyone I love. You don’t have to lie to me!” Misaki blurted out, gritting his teeth in frustration and sadness. Tears spilled down his cheeks again and eventually, resorted to gripping his knees as tightly as possible. He felt like the tension they were balancing on like acrobats on a tightrope had finally snapped and he was free-falling through the endless void of outer space.

 

“Misaki, what’s gotten into you?” Usami said, frowning. He got out of his chair and approached Misaki who stood up abruptly. Too fast in fact until it made his head spin. Misaki fought down the dizziness and tried to back away from the older man, his chair leg scraping loudly on the floor.

 

“I’m…I’m j-just so TIRED. Okay?!” he sobbed incoherently through his fingers as he covered his streaming face. _I’m tired of not being there for you when you need me, tired of not being able to save myself...I know you’ll get tired of me too eventually._

 

“Shhh….” Usami approached Misaki and gently pried his hands away from his face and murmured, “It’s not your fault.”

 

Misaki gulped heavy gasps of air and felt more tears overwhelm him. It was like his whole body was soaking in misery, drowning helplessly in it. Usami wrapped his arms firmly around Misaki, rocking his crying lover in his arms back and forth like a small child, hushing him with soothing whispers. His heart broke when Misaki whispered, “I just want to die. Why am I so selfish?”

 

That was when he noticed the blood streaming down Misaki’s wrists. Usami pulled back in alarm and cried out, “Misaki! You’re bleeding!”

 

Misaki put his hand up to his nose in surprise, tasting the salty tang of fresh blood running down over his lips and felt a hot wave of shame wash over him again. He had nosebleeds now and then when he got too upset. This was one of those stupid side-effects of cancer again and it made him feel even worse when Usami practically dragged him into bathroom despite his protests that he was fine. Usami had such a worried look on his face as he passed Misaki paper towels to stem the flow. “Bend over now.” He commanded anxiously as he helped Misaki bend over the sink. Misaki vaguely felt numb, as though the blood streaming from between his cupped hands belonged to someone else entirely.

 

When the flow finally stopped and he was applying enough pressure on his bleeding nose, Usami came back into the bathroom holding a new cup of warm tea for shock. The look of concern and love on his face made Misaki feel guilty all over again. He settled for looking at the sink which had tiny spatters of his blood on the side.

 

Usami knelt down in front of Misaki who was sitting on top of the bathroom stool. “I’m sorry.”

 

Misaki glared at him and replied hoarsely, “What part of this was even your fault?”

 

“I must have said something that made you stressed and it’s my fault you had a nosebleed.” Usami ran a hand through his hair and sighed heavily. Misaki shook his head vehemently. The older man lifted an eyebrow.

 

“Oh? Then why were you so upset then if it wasn’t because of me?”

 

Misaki looked away, biting his lip. Usami gently brushed a lock of hair off his forehead.

 

“Misaki?”

 

Silence. For a few moments. Then, Misaki whispered, “Usagi-san, what were you dreaming about really?”

 

Usami seemed to hesitate for a moment before deciding to tell the truth. “A wet dream about  you.”

 

His lover looked down sadly before saying, “I guess that’s the closest I’ll ever get to be with you nowadays…in that way, I mean.”

 

“I don’t understand.” Usami frowned.

 

“You think I’m disgusting, don’t you?” Misaki shut his eyes tight and he whispered brokenly, “You don’t…don’t feel the same way you did about me years ago! You don’t want me anymore.”

 

A tender feeling enveloped Usami’s heart when he saw Misaki crying in front of him again. Oh, _this_ was why he felt so upset. He could have laughed when he saw how simple the solution actually was. Misaki was making it so much more complicated and he was torturing his heart in the process. He smiled gently and reached out to brush the tears away from his lover’s eyes with his thumbs.

 

“Misaki, what on earth made you think I didn’t want you anymore?”  Usami laughed quietly. Misaki stopped sniffling in surprise and gawked at him. His face turned slightly pink as he tried to process Usami’s words. The older man traced his fingers delicately over Misaki’s face, still smiling.

 

“I do desire you very much. Every day, in fact. Nothing has changed that for me. I told you already, nothing will ever change how I feel about you.”

 

Misaki turned red and he stumbled over his words as he tried to explain what he really meant. “But Usagi-san, I’m so…damaged now. I’m not even…you must think I look so…so…” he shut his eyes tightly, thinking about his skinny bones that stuck out of his body and those ugly bruises marking his skin in random places.

 

Usami suddenly put the cup of tea in Misaki’s hands and instructed him firmly, “Drink this and then we’ll talk.”

 

He sipped the hot tea quietly as Usami looked at him affectionately. His dear boy, so worried about his body and so insecure about himself that he thought Usami did not even feel sexual desire for him anymore. How could he even think of himself that way? Usami shook his head in disbelief.

 

Well, it was time he changed that.

 

When Misaki had finished the tea and had sufficiently calmed down, Usami swept him up into his arms without any warning. Misaki gave a yelp of surprise and the plastic cup dropped down from his hands. “U-Usagi-san?” he said anxiously. Usami did not respond except for pressing his lips firmly against Misaki, kissing him so hard until the brunett whimpered in pleasure. He carried him up all the way to their bedroom and kicked the door open with his foot. Without pausing, he laid Misaki down on their bed, rumpling the neatly-made bedsheets and in a blink of an eye, he was positioned over Misaki, pinning him down with both arms on either side of him and smiling wolfishly at him. Misaki gulped, seeing his lover over him, so big and dominating.

 

“You thought you were a burden? You thought I didn’t want you anymore?” he asked in a clearly teasing tone. Misaki blushed and stammered, “Y-yes…but…”

 

“No buts. You know I swore to punnish you if you ever spoke like that.” Usami leaned down to lick a long, sensual line up Misaki’s neck, causing the boy to shiver and moan.

 

Usami finally laid down next to him and pulled Misaki on his chest gently. “Misaki, I’ve always wanted to make love to you. I just thought you didn’t want to. I was scared of hurting you.” He cupped his face in his hands and kissed his forehead lovingly. “I didn’t know you missed it so much. I always thought you hated it.”

 

There was that soft pink blush on his cheeks again, as faint as the first roses of spring. “N-no…I never hated it. I thought you didn’t want to…anymore.”

 

Usami slid his hands down to Misaki’s waist. “Oh, I’ve always wanted to. Why else would I dream about you? There’s no one else I want more in the world.”

 

Misaki looked up at him and his face was filled with silent happiness. He smiled shyly and Usami found himself falling in love all over again. Misaki threw his arms around Usami’s neck and whispered quietly in his ear, “I don’t care if I get hurt. I just want to be with you…be one with you. Now. Always.”

A shiver of excitement ran down Usami’s spine when he realised what his lover was asking him to do. A slow smile spread across his face and he raised an eyebrow. “Who says I’m going to let you get hurt?”

 

Then Misaki found himself smiling along with him and giggling a little when Usami finally pressed playful little kisses all over his face. It felt as though the dark clouds hanging over him were finally dispelled and he realised how silly he had been. “I will never hurt you…never.” Usami murmured before his mouth found Misaki’s again. Misaki moaned into the passionate, wet kiss. The tingling warmth spread from his mouth to his belly, making his knees weak. Usami was a ridiculously good kisser and he felt him deepen the kiss effortlessly, tipping his head back and entangling his fingers in his hair as he explored Misaki’s mouth, slipping his tongue in and gently massaging it against Misaki’s. His large, warm hands ran slowly down Misaki’s sides until they reached his pants. Lying on top of him, he was vaguely aware of their hard erections pressing into each other and he smiled as he pulled Misaki’s pants off before proceeding to strip him of his sweater as well.

 

Misaki blushed and tried to cover his body but Usami was having none of that. He gazed at his lover with such tenderness, letting his eyes roam over every inch of his naked body. It was true that Misaki was much thinner now but he was still so beautiful, slender and sweet. He pressed warm kisses all over Misaki’s thin arms, trailing down to his legs and kissing each bruise. None of them even fazed him and he allowed Misaki to see his face which was full of desire and lust for him. He wanted Misaki to know how turned on he was by him, wanted him to know nothing had changed in the slightest. “You’re beautiful, Misaki. You always are.” Usami breathed and intertwined his fingers with his lover. He allowed himself to kiss the inside of his thigh, relishing the softness of his lover there and was delighted when Misaki emitted a soft gasp of pleasure. He gazed at Usami through half-closed eyes and gave him a shy grin.

 

Usami knew he had to take this slow because it had been a while they had done this but the sight of the boy under him made him even harder than before.  Not even the dream had made him this aroused. Just the sight of Misaki’s hard nipples, coloured a lovely dusky rose and his beautifully hard cock, glistening with dewy pre-cum at the tip already set his whole body on fire. He smiled and comfortably took Misaki in his hands, determined to give him the best orgasm he ever had. It had been too long. He stroked the erection sensually and rubbed the tip, spreading the wetness around and making his lover cry out softly.

 

Slowly, he took Misaki’s cock into his mouth and sucked gently. Misaki let out a high-pitched gasp that sounded so feminine and adorable that Usami smiled a little. When he began to lick the tip teasingly, swirling his tongue in lazy, sensual circles around the hard, red head which he knew would drive his lover crazy, Misaki was trembling hard, whimpering and fisting the sheets as though he couldn’t handle the pleasure anymore. He writhed slowly on the bed, overwhelmed by how incredible Usami’s mouth felt. Usami mischeivously pulled away for a moment and Misaki whined frustratedly at the loss of contact. He blew softly on the sensitive tip and Misaki cried out even louder, feeling shivers of electricity run up his spine from the sudden cold sensation. Then the searing hotness of his lover’s mouth engulfed him once more, mercilessly tongueing all his sensitive spots and assaulting him with even more extreme pleasure. The older man expertly stroked the lovely erection with firm, swift strokes, relishing the velvet feel of it, rubbing the bulging veins and teasingly grazing the tip with his teeth occasionally. Misaki arched his back, letting out a muffled squeal mingled with a moan. Usami stroked him even faster and plunged his tongue into Misaki’s slit, feeling more of his sticky pre-cum flow down his chin. Pleasure crested inside Misaki like a wave and finally he could take no more.

 

“Nnnnh…ohhhh…U-Usagi-san!” Misaki came into his mouth, panting and gasping. He felt tears form in his eyes as his orgasm pulled him under like a whirlpool, spinning and shattering him into a million pieces. It had never felt this good before. He had forgotten how amazing this felt. The pleasure and heat pooled in his groin long after Usami’s lips left him. He glanced at his lover, breathing hard and saw Usami licking his lips, casting him a hungry look that made heat rise to his cheeks again.

 

“Misaki.” He whispered and that single word was loaded with so much desire and love that it nearly knocked Misaki over. Usami felt more lust thrumming in his blood and he rushed forward clumsily to kiss the brunett with more passion than before, claiming his lips with a forceful kiss, feeling the younger man grow delightfully hard again under his grasp. Effortlessly, he flipped Misaki over on his belly, reversing him so his face was at Usami’s rock hard erection. Misaki arched his back and moaned in embarassment, “Usagi-san! D-don’t…” he reached his hand behind him trying to get out of this new position but Usami didn’t even listen. He grinned wickedly at Misaki and reached over to the nightstand drawer where he kept a bottle of lube. His large hands clutched Misaki’s soft ass cheeks and pulled them apart to expose his pink, twitching hole. It was so tight and erotic, spasming from the small after-shocks of his orgasm that Usami couldn’t help licking a long stripe up his taint from his balls, circling his tongue around the tight ring of muscle, wetting and prepping it for penetration.

 

Misaki felt as though he couldn’t breathe because of the endless sensations assaulting his body like lightning. Usami hadn’t touched him so intimately in a long time that every caress and lick was like his first time all over again. Usami’s right hand teasingly spread his cheeks further as his mouth continued to pleasure him, this time boldly inserting his tongue inside the hole and stretching Misaki indecently. “Aren’t you going to suck me off?” he purred and Misaki couldn’t help blushing at the erotic quality of his voice. He was helpless to resist and obeyed immediately, closing his soft lips around Usami’s cock and trying his best to suck his lover the way he did before. The masculine scent of musk and Usami’s arousal filled his head and he moaned around the large member in his mouth, shivering in pleasure once more.

 

Usami chuckled, watching Misaki try to control himself while he was so obviously turned on by sucking his cock. It was adorable to watch him try to lick and suck obediently but he could tell he was on the edge of orgasm because his leaking cock, trembling legs and twitching hole gave it all away. Usami couldn’t help but oblige his lover. Misaki had missed this sensation for so long, hadn’t he? Usami poured lube generously all over his fingers as he continued to lick and thrust inside Misaki’s most delicate spot. Then, when he finally thrust his fingers inside that well-loosened hole, he knew Misaki could not even concentrate on his cock because his hot little mouth released it with a cry of surprise.

 

He pumped his fingers in and out mercilessly, stretching the hole and preparing him for what was coming next. Misaki felt wonderful around his fingers, endlessly warm and slick, squirming and tightening around his fingers and emitting adorable squelching noises. He grinned as he spread his two fingers wide, stretching Misaki the way he always did before. Instantly, he heard Misaki whimper and emit a breathless moan. “U-Usagi-san…! D-don’t spread it like that! It’s embarassing!” he cried out. Usami ignored him and continued his ministrations, thrusting in two fingers and then inserting the third one without even slowing his relentless rhythm. Misaki’s legs were trembling as though he could barely even support himself. His head was just blank at this point and he could barely focus on Usami’s cock anymore. He moaned and brought a hand down instinctively to rub his own erection, trying to find sweet release.

 

Usami always indulged Misaki and he couldn’t help smiling at how cute and wanton his lover could be sometimes. “Let go for me,” he whispered as he continued to scissor that hole and plunge his fingers as deep as he can go inside. Misaki was lost in pleasure and his hand rubbing his cock never stopped until finally, he gave a small gasp of surprised joy and came all over Usami’s chest.

“Aaaah….ahhh!” he sobbed and slumped down weakly but Usami wasn’t having any of that. He felt Misaki’s warm semen drip down his chest and he placed a hand up to spread it teasingly all over Misaki’s cock once more, bathing it with more wetness and stirring it up again. “Mmmm…you came much quicker this time. Let’s aim for a third, shall we?” he murmured. Misaki could barely reply because he was still trying to recover from his last orgasm. He cried out in tired frustration and lust as Usami effortlessly made him hard again. This time, he was aching even more down there and his angry, red erection jumped eagerly in Usami’s palm. He looked over his shoulder to glare at his lover but Usami just flashed that crooked grin at him and he found his heart skipping a beat again.

 

Usami gently laid Misaki down on the bed and climbed on top of him, unbuttoning his shirt and jeans as he went. Misaki shyly ran his hands all over Usami’s hard, chiselled chest and down his ribs until finally the older man captured both his hands and pressed gentle kisses on his palms, earning a sigh of pleasure from him. Usami tipped his chin up and gazed into his eyes, feeling a surge of deep love for Misaki. Never had he seen anything so beautiful and so thoroughly his…Misaki’s cheeks and ears were stained crimson, his eyes glazed over with pleasure and joy, his soft lips smeared with sticky pre-cum parted eagerly under his thumb. He placed a gentle kiss on his forehead and on each eyelid before rewarding Misaki with a deliciously slow, sensual kiss. His lips were as soft as plush velvet and so unbearably sweet that he couldn’t help kissing him multiple times, nibbling and tasting until he reduced Misaki into a trembling, blushing mess. His heart overflowed with more love and he couldn’t help blurting out his true feelings. 

 

“I love you.” Usami whispered.

 

Misaki looked up at him, blushing heavily but with a small, contented smile on his lips. His eyes lit up and softened when he reached up to touch Usami’s face, cupping it with both hands and staring into his eyes like he was the only person in the world. “I love you too.” He whispered back.

 

They relapsed into more gentle kisses as Usami coaxed Misaki’s legs to wrap around his waist as he shifted himself into position. He wanted to gaze into Misaki’s eyes as he entered him inch by inch and he held his breath for a moment before guiding his cock into Misaki’s wet, eager hole. Not wanting to scare him, he penetrated him slowly, allowing Misaki to adjust to the feeling. The boy gave soft moans and gasps, writhing under him in uncontrollable pleasure as Usami entered him, the heat and strain unlike anything he had ever remembered. Misaki gave a choked sob of pain and pleasure when Usami finally thrusted all the way inside excruciatingly slowly. “Usagi-san…you’re…it’s…it’s too b-big!” he whimpered, burying his face in his neck.

 

Usami tried his best not to give into his desire to just grab Misaki’s waist and fuck him roughly as he dared because damn, the sensation of Misaki’s slick tightness around his raging hard cock was indescribable. Still, he managed to stroke his lover’s hair and chuckled, “Just relax, Misaki. You’ve done this before.” He pulled out a few inches and allowed Misaki to get used to the sudden stretch.  He gently and patiently coaxed Misaki to breathe and relax his muscles, giving encouraging kisses all the way.

 

The moment he managed to sheathe himself fully inside his lover and Misaki gave a long, drawn-out gasp of delight mingled with pure pleasure, he knew he was finally okay. “Better?” he murmured as Misaki twitched and spasmed around him, his tight hole eagerly squeezing him and milking him without him even moving.

 

“Oh...! Usagi-san…you’re inside me…it…” Misaki couldn’t even speak in proper sentences anymore and Usami couldn’t help but laugh lightly, ruffling his hair, enjoying the myriad of emotions playing across Misaki’s face. “…feels g-good…!” Misaki stammered, his lips curving up in a smile and he blushed. Within seconds, his face contorted in pleasure again and his mouth fell open in soft gasp as he threw his head back and came once more, spurting all over his stomach.

 

“I haven’t even moved and you already came again? That’s unfair, Misaki.” Usami teased but he was secretly pleased that Misaki was enjoying himself so much. The boy was trembling around his cock, his tight hole spasming deliciously. Misaki couldn’t help himself as he helplessly came again. Usami was looking at him like _that_ and he felt so full and desired in that moment that the orgasm effortlessly ravaged his body once again.

 

But to his shock, Usami started thrusting into his sore, sensitive hole slowly before speeding up his pace, slamming back with harder force each time. “W-wait! Usagi-san! I just came! D-don’t-“ Misaki cried out in alarm but Usami wasn’t listening. He pinned Misaki’s hands down on the bed easily, wrapping his long fingers around his delicate wrists as he continued to rut into Misaki mercilessly, pounding into him and making him scream in pleasure. He relished every breathless moan and high-pitched squeal his lover emitted as he ravaged his body, hitting that sweet spot inside Misaki each time and making him arch his back in helpless sweet agony. His sensitive hole throbbed even harder and Misaki nearly blacked out from the intense pleasure which felt like fire spreading up his groin, licking him all over below and Usami was doing nothing to put it out.   

 

When he came inside Misaki, he slammed deep inside him and gave a long gasp of pleasure. This felt better than any dream he ever had. The shock of his orgasm tore through him like an earthquake, leaving him breathless and unsure of who he even was. He swore he could see stars for a few seconds before finally he fell back down to earth, collapsing tiredly over Misaki.

 

Eventually, he pulled out of Misaki and lifted his knees up over his shoulder to clean his mess up. Misaki kept protesting but he was soon lost in another orgasm when Usami buried his face between his thighs to lick him clean, wriggling his tongue inside over and over until Misaki lay spent, sore and buzzing with the small after-shocks.

 

“W-why did you do that?!” he wailed when Usami finally resurfaced, grinning impishly and licking his lips.

 

“I did promise to punnish you, didn’t I?” he laughed and rubbed a hand gently over Misaki’s cheek. 

 

Misaki was mortified and burried his embarassed face in his hands for a moment before Usami tesed him out with more kisses. They were lost in the after-glow for a while, lying in each other’s arms and enjoying warm, lazy kisses as the snow outside drifted down like a dusting of sugar over the world.

 

Misaki laid his head on Usami’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. He smiled contently. He hadn’t felt this alive in ages.

 

Usami was quiet for a moment, breathing in Misaki’s scent before saying nonchallantly, “So I hope you’ll never say I don’t desire you anymore.”

 

The boy flushed shyly and shook his head. “No. I won’t.”

 

“And never say that you’re a burden. Honestly, I thought we had this conversation before.” He rolled his eyes and lightly flicked Misaki’s forehead.

“It’s just that…sometimes I get down and I feel like I’m just some charity case. You…you never did this anymore ever since I got sick.”

 

“Well, if you miss it so much, then I should definitely do it more often.” Usami lifted his eyebrows and Misaki laughed, laying his hands on his chest shyly.

 

“I mean…I was probably afraid that it wouldn’t…feel the…same way as I remembered. I was afraid that I wasn’t what you wanted. That I would disappoint you.”

 

Usami looked at him for a long moment before breaking into a smile and running his fingers tenderly down the side of Misaki’s face. “You are everything I’ve ever wanted. And I don’t think that was disappointing, was it? Or would you like to try again? Maybe it was pretty sub-par…after all, we have months to catch up on…” he raised his eyebrows suggestively and his voice dipped down to a huskier tone.

 

“Oh no! Don’t-“ Misaki was laughing so hard at his lover but he couldn’t help throwing his arms around Usami’s neck and kissing him again. And again. And again.

 

He might have new bruises by the end of the day but it was all definitely worth it.

 

“I love you so much, Usagi-san.”

 

“I never get tired of hearing you say that.”

 

*****

_Amore means love_

_(ps: I’m so sorry for the late update. University has started and I’m too busy to update on time. Sigh. It’s been pretty awful. I’m lonely, stressed and have absolutely no friends. I suppose writing this is my only solace. Thank God. I was pretty depressed for the past few days and I couldn’t bear to even write yet for fear of ruining the story. I hope I didn’t ruin it and I hope the sex scenes were worth waiting for. -.- Today, I was feeling so lonely and alienated again at university. But thankfully, I managed to churn out this story at least because hey, my characters shouldn’t miss out on some hot sex because I’m depressed.I just hope I feel better soon. It’s been so dark lately in my head and I am so tired. But at least my grandma is well now.I’ll be able to write more on Friday since I have no classes so keep your fingers crossed for an update then._ _J)_

 


	7. Chapter 7: Parlando

Chapter 7: Parlando

Eri Aikawa showed up at their front door the next morning, all smiles and bright red lipstick.

Misaki blinked in surprised delight to see her because she hadn't been around for a while. Aikawa waved cheerfully at him. "Misaki-kun~" she chirped. "I hope I'm not intruding!"

Misaki grinned and opened the door wider. "No! I mean…it's great to see you again!" he gushed, feeling a little embarrassed. A small part of him was extremely relieved and happy to see Aikawa because although she could be bold, brash and downright rude she was definitely great company and he enjoyed her straightforward attitude. Too many people had treated him differently since he got sick but he was glad that Aikawa barely even glanced once at his noticeably skinnier body or even his thinning hair.

Aikawa took off her high heels before stepping inside and giving out a wide, uncaring yawn. "I got absolutely DRUNK last night, Misaki-kun! It's a madhouse at the office with so many deadlines to catch up with!" she grumbled as she messed up her long reddish-orange locks.

"I'm sorry to hear that." Misaki replied hesitantly. Aikawa did seem to be under a lot of stress. "Can…I get you anything?" he asked, trying to be helpful.

"No, thank you. I'm actually looking for Usami." She smiled but it looked more like a loan shark's toothy sneer.

Uh oh. He knew exactly what she was here for and he found himself worrying for the older man. "Umm…I think he's asleep now…so maybe you shouldn't disturb him." He said desperately.

Aikawa wasn't falling for it. "Since when did I ever let that stop me?" she laughed. "I know his tactics very well. He's always pretending to be asleep when he's actually hiding from me." She walked decisively into the kitchen and called out loudly, "And I also know he has a manuscript to turn in…LATE AS USUAL!"

"I'm starting to regret my decision giving you keys to my house." Usami grumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose and barely looking up from his laptop as he typed away furiously. A steaming cup of coffee sat next to him at the table and Misaki breathed in its rich, caffeine smell as he walked inconspicuously, sitting down across his lover at the table and trying to keep out of the crossfire. Aikawa still refused to let this go and she firmly established she wasn't going anywhere by leaning against the counter, arms folded and eyes squinting suspiciously at Usami.

"Everyone's been asking about your next novel. We've managed to push the release date back to another few weeks but we can't keep doing this, you piece of scum!" she tossed her hands into the air exasperatedly.

Usami raised his eyebrow at her and replied calmly, "You'll get it before the end of this week, I promise."

"Oh, I'd better. I swear, there's no telling what violence I might commit if you don't get this done soon. Misaki, you see what I have to put up with here?" she complained and Misaki hid a small smile.

Suddenly, Aikawa broke into a sly smile. "Oh, and we've been sorting through the fan mail from your readers. Apparently, most of their feedback consists of wanting more of your famous spicy hot scenes."

Usami seemed unfazed. "I'll keep that in mind. I'll have you know that I am very inspired at this moment." He smirked and took a sip of his coffee. "You can tell them I'll guarantee their money's worth."

Aikawa raised her eyebrows and grinned at Misaki as she did so, making him flush. "Oh, really? And when did this stroke of inspiration strike?"

"Last night actually."

Misaki glared at his lover, turning crimson but Usami just continued to smirk at him. Aikawa looked like the cat who had swallowed the canary and she exclaimed, "Oh my, you two are just adorable."

Usami continued typing for a moment before he finally closed his laptop and stood up. "I'm sorry for making you work overtime, Aikawa. Thank you, I really appreciate it." He cast her an apologetic smile and Aikawa rolled her eyes.

"No need to apologize. The wine made the boredom more bearable at least. Drink your sorrows away! That's what my grandma always said. Or was it my grandpa? Both died due to alcohol poisoning anyway so…" she shrugged and got up, facing Akihiko. Her eyes shifted for a moment between Misaki and him for just the smallest second before she asked in a much quieter tone, "Oh, I've read the draft you sent to me. You changed some parts, didn't you?"

Usami tucked his laptop under his arm. "Yes, you could say it was due to a reader's request. You proof-edited that already, didn't you?"

The editor nodded slowly although there was still an unspoken question in her eyes. Perhaps she did not know why he changed it but then, a gentle expression crossed her face, subtly telling him she did not mind. "Either way, I just wanted to say that we all loved it. The whole team, the board of directors…they're crazy about it. They said you never wrote like that before in your entire career and they said it was so much purer and more hopeful than before. Whatever you're doing, keep it up."

The writer gave her a cheeky grin. "Of course. This is Usami Akihiko we're talking about."

Aikawa looked at Misaki and said apologetically, "I'm sorry I can't stay to drink or anything. I'm in a bit of a rush." She smiled and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. Misaki nodded, understanding.

"It's okay. I hope you meet those deadlines." He said cheerfully.

She laughed and shook her head. "I hope so too. And hey…you're okay, right?" her eyes were filled with unspoken concern.

Misaki just smiled back at her. "I'm okay, Aikawa-san. The winter is nearly over."

Her brow furrowed for a moment, trying to understand whether he was really talking about the weather. "Yes, that's true. Spring is coming soon in a few weeks. Wait until the snow thaws, then the cherry blossoms arrive. I'd love to see them soon! We could see them together." She said casually.

"I'll keep that in mind."

Aikawa's carefree smile wobbled a bit as she gave Misaki a warm hug before going out of the door. "I'll be sure to visit again. You make sure that lazy procrastinator sends me the final manuscript soon, got it?"

Misaki waved to her as she left. Usami was washing his cup in the sink when he returned. For a moment, Misaki wondered what his story looked like and what exactly had changed. An intense curiosity burned in his chest and he wondered if he could summon enough bravery to ask him for a quick read. He never paid much attention to Usami's stories before since they were all mostly so embarrassing to read, given his unwilling participation in most of those (in Aikawa's words) "spicy hot scenes". Misaki took a step forward and the forgotten ache from last night's endeavours hit his body in the form of a sharp cramp and he promptly sank down into a chair, wincing a little.

Usami turned to look at him, concerned. "Are you all right?"

"Just a little sore from…y-yesterday." Misaki blushed red and Usami chuckled a little, a satisfied note colouring his musical laugh. He sauntered over to the table in that lazily seductive walk that Misaki secretly loved and ruffled Misaki's hair tenderly.

"Mmmm…we went all out yesterday, didn't we? I'm sorry if I was too rough though…" his eyes glittered with mirth as though he didn't regret his actions at all.

"You never apologised before. Don't be an asshole." Misaki stuck his tongue out at him. Usami laughed out loud.

"Misaki…" Usami placed his arms around his seated lover and bent down to drop a kiss on his forehead. "It's Saturday. What do you want to do today?"

A sense of tiredness and realisation swept through Misaki. A week was nearly over. He was amazed he had even survived this long. The painkillers everyday didn't do much except to reduce his pain to a constant numbing sensation. He was finding it even more difficult to keep his food down nowadays but he kept his face passive as he smiled at Usami.

"Actually, I was planning to buy some things. I want to host a dinner party for nii-chan, Manami…oh, and Aikawa too." He tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I thought I might want to give something to them as well. Like keepsakes…something to remember me by."

Usami blinked. "Well, that sounds like a great idea. Tell me, were you planning this the entire week?"

"Nope. This is all totally spontaneous." A bright smile lit up the boy's face. "And if anyone asks what the occasion is, just tell them it's my dying wish or something."

Usami straightened up. "Your dying wish is to host a dinner party." He sounded skeptical and Misaki giggled.

"No. I just want to celebrate life. Think of it as a nice going away party."

He made it sound like he was about to leave for college or a very long vacation. Usami shook his head in wonder. His heart felt like it had been weighed down by a very heavy stone but he shook away those heavy feelings. Sometimes, it was easier to pretend nothing was wrong.

"Okay, we can host that dinner party. Should I wear a suit and tie?" he teased.

Misaki beamed up at him, blushing a little. "Yes. You look really good in those."

Usami shook his head in disbelief again. Misaki stood up as well with renewed strength, tapping his chin in deep thought as he wandered out of the kitchen, murmuring to himself as he constructed a shopping list in his mind.

...

A few hours later, under the awning of the florist shop, Misaki waited impatiently for Usami who promised that he would only be just a few minutes. He was obstinately secretive about where he was going to and he told Misaki sternly not to go anywhere until he returned. Well, it wasn't like he could even go anywhere now. Misaki sighed as he looped the shopping bag filled with food and a separate plastic bag full of craft supplies from an art shop over the arm of his wheelchair. The snowy flakes drifting down from the sky seemed less harsh today so perhaps Aikawa was right about winter coming to an end. He was glad. It had been such a long, harsh one…

" _Sumimasen_ ," a polite voice intoned quietly behind him. Misaki turned halfway in surprise to see a black-haired man standing behind him with his hands folded in front of him. He had a gentle, easy smile on his face and he was definitely a florist, from the looks of his clothes. Perhaps he worked in the shop. Misaki's face turned red with shame for a moment as he tried to find an explanation for loitering in front of the shop. But the man did not seem annoyed.

"I was just wondering if you would like to come in. I'm sorry to intrude but it is so cold out here and the shop is much warmer inside. I was a bit concerned for your health." He explained.

Relieved, Misaki nodded and grinned thankfully at him. "Thank you so much. That's so kind of you."

The florist thought nothing of wheeling Misaki inside kindly and he just kept talking calmly as they made their way inside. The cozy temperature washed over Misaki as he entered the shop shyly. Blooms of every shape and colour decorated the shop, spilling from vases or brown baskets. Misaki touched some of them and felt the tell-tale satin texture of silk.

The florist laughed. "We don't put most of our real flowers on display. Only a few are out. The heat might cause them to wilt more quickly." He gestured to a blue vase filled with a dozen red roses. Their glossy red petals glistened with dewdrops of water which came from a nearby spray bottle.

Misaki smiled at him. "They're really beautiful."

"Yes, they are. Winter is a harsh season for flowers. I can't wait for spring to arrive." He sighed. As he crossed in front of Misaki to water some more flowers, Misaki caught a quick glimpse of his name tag: Nowaki Kusama.

Nowaki was arranging a pot of carnations when Misaki asked curiously, "If I were to give flowers for someone I loved, what would you recommend?"

The man thought for a moment before replying, "Well, there are many types of flowers that signify love. Red roses and red tulips are a declaration of love. Yarrow means everlasting love and white jasmine means sweet love. I guess it depends on what you like."

Misaki relaxed in his wheelchair a little. He wondered if he should pick up a bouquet for Usami. It seemed a little out of character for him but what the heck, his lover was always doing cheesy romantic stuff for him. He never got the chance to do something like that. He was running out of time after all. Without thinking, he spoke aloud, "I wonder if he likes red tulips."

"Who?" Nowaki asked, smiling a little.

Instantly, the boy shut his mouth. "Nothing. Nothing! Forget I said anything!"

Nowaki didn't seem to have noticed anything weird. Instead, he shot Misaki a knowing look and said kindly, "Red tulips symbolise perfect love. They're usually among the first flowers to bloom in spring. Would you like some?"

"No, thanks." Looks like he chickened out after all. Misaki sighed.

The florist didn't seem to mind. "That's all right. Let me know if you change your mind."

Misaki gazed at the striped tiger lilies by the door for a moment before asking quietly, "Umm…if it doesn't bother you, may I ask you another question?"

"Of course."

"What flowers should be used at a funeral?"

Nowaki seemed a little unnerved by this and for the first time, he looked at Misaki in the eye. Still, his voice remained calm and gentle. "Usually, we use white chrysanthemums to symbolise lamentation and grief. Oh, and some people use pink or purple orchids to say 'I will always love you.' White lilies are also popular because they symbolise purity and innocence restored to the departed's soul."

Misaki snorted a little at that. He couldn't imagine innocence being restored to him and he didn't really mind that. Some part of him wondered if heaven would accept someone like him. It seemed like the world was against him for loving Usagi-san sometimes. Still, he was determined to love him anyway. He couldn't care less even if God was against this or wouldn't restore his innocence.

The door bell tinkled and Usami stepped in the shop, his silvery hair damp with snow and his cheeks flushed from the run. Misaki realised he would not be able to buy those flowers for him after all and a small stab of disappointment ate away at his heart. Still, he smiled at Nowaki and said gratefully, "Thanks so much for everything."

"Have a nice day. Take care of yourself." His eyes crinkled up in a friendly way that made Misaki like him even more. Warmth filled his heart when he realised with wonder that perhaps the world wasn't such a bad place. Again and again, he was amazed by the kindness of strangers and the profound meaning of even small day-to-day activities. Everything seemed new and precious to him now, as though he were seeing it with new eyes. Usami was gazing at him a little curiously, perhaps wondering what he had been discussing with the florist but Misaki just shot him a cheerful smile and wheeled himself out. Usami gave a small nod to Nowaki before stepping out of the shop. He helped Misaki into the waiting car outside and finally slid into the driver's seat, a proud smile on his face. Misaki cast him a curious glance.

"Why are you so happy?"

"It's a surprise. A secret surprise." Usami placed a finger to his lips, winking at him.

Misaki stretched and found a contented grin on his lips. It looked like he was getting that dinner party after all. He couldn't wait to invite everyone. He glanced tiredly at the view flashing past, ignoring the heaviness in his bones. Nowadays, even small activities tired him out but he was determined to hold on to these small snippets of normalcy as long as he could. Snow streaked past their car and the traffic lights glimmered like carnival lamps. Misaki closed his eyes, feeling himself drift away. Perhaps this was what he would feel like when he was gone or dying. Like he was inside a car speeding to a destination he knew existed but somehow, everything looked unfamiliar because he was staring at it through new eyes.

Then he felt Usami take his hand and he wondered what the world would look like without him by his side.

...

Takahiro was only so glad to answer Misaki's call to invite him and Manami to dinner. He couldn't keep the excitement out of his voice and Misaki smiled, imagining his brother getting all worked up over a dinner party. Usami was reasoning with Aikawa about coming this evening and he heard snippets of their conversation like "no, you can't wear that. You'll freeze." and "don't invite my brother."

In the kitchen, Misaki handled as much of the cooking that he could until Usami eventually made him sit down because he looked dead on his feet. Misaki was so concerned for Usami who probably never even cooked a day in his life so he kept shouting instructions at him as he bumbled about the kitchen, dressed in the frilly apron Misaki usually wore. He looked absolutely ridiculous and Misaki ended up in peals of laughter as he watched his lover try and fail to fry the salmon in the pan. It ended up slightly burned on one side and he helplessly turned it over to hide the damage.

"Usami, you're supposed to chop the vegetables before you put them in the soup." Misaki couldn't stop laughing.

"Did you buy this just to spite me? You know I hate these." He asked, holding up a green bell pepper with distaste. Misaki just shot him a mischievous smile.

"You'd never know how to cook it anyway. I was planning to make stuffed bell peppers."

Usami sighed heavily and placed the bell pepper on the chopping board. Warily, he poked it with the tip of his knife. "If I didn't love you enough to do this…" he trailed away.

"But you do love me. So shut up and chop it. Don't make me come over there!"

"You're so much bossier now that you're a dinner party host." Usami complained but he was smiling as he roughly hacked off chunks of the offending green vegetable. "What happened to my sweet, docile Misaki from last night?"

"S-shut up! That was…that was…special." Misaki turned bright red and Usami cast him a sly grin over his shoulder, effectively pleased that he still could make Misaki blush even after all this while.

The cake nearly ended up as a disaster because Usami cracked egg shells inside it and Misaki had to rescue it by picking out the fragments before he put it in the oven. Still, he seemed rather pleased with himself for being able to bake a whole cake alone and Misaki decided not to burst his bubble. Instead, he settled for giggling at his lover who had smudges of cake batter and flour all over his face. Everyone thought Usami was so elegant and composed, as flawless and perfect as an ice sculpture. But Misaki's heart melted with the realisation that perhaps he was the only one on earth who knew his lover's true self. Sure, he could play the piano, smoke cigarettes like he was born to do it and drive a sports car…but he also had no idea how to bake a cake and he could be childish, arrogant, selfish and often too possessive of Misaki.

Misaki loved both sides of him all the same.

Usami noticed Misaki staring intently at him and tipped his head. "So how long does this cake have to be in the oven?"

"An hour. Then we have to ice it." Misaki looked up at the clock and reassured himself that they had lots of time.

Usami settled down on a chair and gazed at the dishes on the table. Slightly burnt salmon, a salad and other deceptively simple traditional Japanese dishes served raw so no one could ever realise that Usami had no idea how to cook. Misaki shook his head and blurted out without thinking, "Oh, Usagi-san…who will cook for you when I'm gone?"

His lover pivoted around in his chair and placed his chin in his palm as he gazed thoughtfully at Misaki. "I'll find a way to survive. I'd probably eat out more often."

It was nice in the kitchen, warm and drowsy with the ticking of the clock and the humming of the oven. Misaki found himself just gazing at Usami quietly and trying to memorise every inch of him, burning that beautiful face into his memory. The light outside was the soft, pure white of late wintry afternoons where the Sun was determined not to come down yet. Then, he realised Usami was staring at him with equal intensity and something about how his eyes were so gentle yet full of meaning made Misaki realise that he probably was thinking the same thing.

Everything is fragile and ephemeral. Time will wash this moment away into the lost tides of eternity and there will be a day when none of them would ever exist in the same dimension anymore. And yet…fragile human beings as they were, they were determined to hold onto it until their bones wore away to dust, until their consciousness winked out like spent lamps. Why do we work so hard to remember and create memories when all this might have a fifty percent chance of being for naught? Why do human beings do that?

Unspoken questions raged inside Misaki's mind as he wondered over and over whether all this had any meaning, whether his suffering was justified, whether Usami would be fine without him. He found his heart cracking open, heaving with its new blood red wound and blossoming darkly with whatever love he felt for Usami. The air in the kitchen was thick with it, twining around them and tying around their fingers like red thread. Misaki buried his head in his arms and tried not to worry about the future but eventually, it slipped out of his mouth like a sharp dagger.

"Who will look after you when I'm gone?"

Usami sat just an arm's length away, the backs of their chairs facing each other. Misaki looked up at him with watery eyes. Usami's face softened and he reached out a tender hand to brush Misaki's wrist, feeling the slow ebb of his pulse.

"I can look after myself. I've been doing it for years, haven't I? I'll be fine."

"What about nii-chan? He…" Misaki closed his eyes and sighed.

"He has Manami. Don't worry. She'll take care of him. He's stronger than you think, you know?"

Misaki paused and realised that the thought of someone taking care of his brother comforted him greatly. He didn't want their lives to be stuck on an eternal pause after his death. He wanted them to live and he didn't want his death to weigh so heavily around them like an anchor dragging them to the past forever. He let his arm dangle towards the ground as he continued talking quietly.

"That's good. It's just that…I don't want you all to be stuck in the past by my death. I mean, it's okay to mourn me and to miss me but…please don't do it all the time. I don't want anyone to continue suffering forever just because someone with cancer bit the dust." Misaki gazed meaningfully at Usami who was listening quietly. Misaki stretched out to hold Usami's hand tightly, uniting their bodies across the small space between their chairs.

"I want you to keep living. I want you to live a long, full life full of wonder, magic, excitement, love and terrible, great mysteries that you will spend all night thinking about. I want you to keep writing and doing what you love because you are so talented at it and I'm proud of you more than I can say. I just want you to remember how precious life can be and this one person can't possibly tie you back. Can you promise me that? Can you promise me that you won't let my death sink you or make you kill yourself? I'm not Dazai and I'd hate it if my lover tried to join me in a double suicide." Misaki's lips lifted in a small, embarrassed grin.

Usami felt his own heart overflow with emotion at that moment and he squeezed Misaki's hand back tightly. "I promise. I'll keep on living."

Misaki breathed out a sigh of relief and he closed his eyes again, pressing his cheek against the wooden board of the chair's back. A small tear slipped down his cheek and disappeared. "But…you'll remember me, right? I mean…I would like to be missed sometimes too."

Usami's got out of his chair and knelt down in front of Misaki's chair, taking his face in between both his hands and pressing kisses on the dark smudges under both eyes, on his forehead and his hairline."I will never stop missing you."

The boy's lips curved up in a soft, sad smile. Then he reached up to getly touch Usami's hands on his face. "When I die, I'm definitely coming back as a ghost to haunt you."

Usami snorted. "I don't believe in ghosts."

"Well, you'd better be ready to because it's going to be so boring wherever I'm at, waiting for you and watching you make so many more dumb mistakes on earth without me."

"I don't think being in heaven is boring."

"You assume that heaven exists. And that God exists. What if when I die, I just fade into oblivion? Nothingness. What if there isn't any meaning to all of this…this suffering and sadness and joy?" Misaki frowned.

Usami closed his eyes, thinking of the right words to say. Then, he finally said, "Then you create your own meaning. Every day, you leave your own mark, your own scar on this earth and carve out an existence in someone else's soul. But I think even if all of this is an illusion and if nothing has any meaning, I'm pretty happy with what I gained. Maybe when you die, it'll feel like…waking up from a deep sleep. Then you forget everything you ever experienced in that old dream and time just washes all your memories away so your real life can start."

"Are you saying that I'm just dreaming this whole time?"

"That's a possibility. I read that somewhere. It's pretty amazing, if you think about it."

Misaki closed his eyes and said softly, "I'm a little scared of what comes after."

Usami stroked his hair and murmured softly, "Me too."

But then Misaki perked up in a smile and he looked up at the older man with such love shining in his eyes as he realised something amazing. "But you know what? I'm not scared NOW. For now, I'm going to believe everything is meaningful and everything is worth it because you're HERE by my side. I'd rather get hurt than never experience a day with you anymore. This is all worth it. All this suffering and pain is worth it." Then without even caring about the flour and batter on Usami's cheeks, he cupped his lover's face in his hands and kissed him. It was a sweet, joyful kiss full of warmth, love and understanding. It was a kiss of letting go and acceptance. A kiss that raged against the apathy of the universe, a kiss that was defiant as carving a memory on the earth even if no one ever saw or cared.

His first love would be his last love. And oh God, this was worth it.

...

Takahiro showed up at the front door and Manami adjusted his neat tie before he pressed the doorbell with shaky hands. They heard the soft chime and waited patiently for a few moments. The chocolate box in Takahiro's hands trembled a bit as he whispered to his wife, "Do you think he's okay? This was rather sudden…"

They heard the clacking of high heels behind them and Eri Aikawa popped up cheerfully, cradling a bottle of fine champagne. She had decided to wear that sparkly sequined silver minidress after all but evaded frostbite in a luxurious brown fur coat. "I know, this is rather sudden. But isn't that fun of it all?" she piped up happily.

Finally, the door opened and Usami appeared, dressed in a fine black suit and a sky blue tie. He smiled warmly at all of them and in front of him, seated in a wheelchair was Misaki dressed up in his best as well. Misaki's face lit up as Takahiro leaned in to hug him and he exclaimed, "You all came! I'm so glad!"

Manami laughed. "We wouldn't miss this for the world!"

Aikawa planted a friendly kiss on his cheek and said cheekily, "I hope you have good food. I'm famished!"

The door closed behind them and the whole place lit up with laughter, chatter and life. Misaki let himself be wheeled into the dining room and just tried to hold everything safely in his memory, trying his best to remember Aikawa's boisterous laugh, Manami's gentle smile, his brother's loving glances and Usami's warm hand on his shoulder. He lost himself in the moment for a few seconds and found his heart lifting up with its own wings.

When the food was served, everyone noticeably avoided discussing why the fish was burnt on one side and why the cake was lopsided or crunchy. Aikawa was certainly enjoying herself, getting drunker with each sip she took. The whole time, Usami never let go of his hand and Takahiro kept talking to Misaki, praising his food. Everyone said they never had such fun in a long time and Misaki couldn't help forgetting his troubles when he was laughing with them. When it was time to exchange gifts, Misaki shyly presented his brother with the photo frame filled with pictures of their family and Takahiro gruffly hugged his brother, trying to hold back his tears. Manami and Aikawa both received tasteful presents from Misaki as well which included clay sculptures of birds and a porcelain mug engraved with their names on it by Misaki's own clumsy hands. Aikawa joked that perhaps she should have gotten a photo of the two of them as well and everyone ended up taking a photo together, arms wrapped around each other and smiling until their faces hurt. Manami then planted a kiss on Misaki's cheek and presented him and Usami a potted plant. "It'll blossom in the spring. I thought you might like to see its beautiful colours brightening up your home." Misaki couldn't stop grinning as he clutched the plant in his arms. Its bright green buds were tightly closed and looked as though they were asleep.

Everything felt like a wonderful dream that had to end too soon.

The dinner was drawing to a close and once everyone had cleared the last of the cake from their plates, Usami suddenly reached a hand into his pocket and drew out a small ivory box. The whole room suddenly went quiet and Aikawa's eyes widened in delight just as Misaki asked softly, "Usagi-san…what is that?"

His lover smiled at him and opened the box slowly. Inside, a simple gold ring lay, glistening like a fallen star on the black velvet.

"Misaki Takahashi, no words can express how much you mean to me. I know I'm a writer but….you just steal all my words away. I already promised that I would spend the rest of my life with you, taking care of you, loving you and being there for you. But this time, I want to do it right and I wanted to ask you…will you marry me?"

The younger man clapped a hand over his mouth with his cheeks bright red. Tears of joy glinted in his eyes and he could only nod speechlessly as he lunged forward to embrace his lover. The guests burst into delighted applause, Takahiro clapping the loudest of all with a proud smile on his face. Aikawa was whistling and cheering as Usami gently slipped the ring on Misaki's finger. When their hands joined, now both had glittering gold rings on their fingers and Usami tenderly pressed a soft kiss on Misaki's cheek as the boy beamed, shy but ecstatic.

Misaki was unsteady as he stood up and said softly, "I have something to say to all of you."

The room quieted. He lifted his champagne glass and spoke.

"All this while, I thought that this disease would change me and change how you all treated me. I didn't want to see anything new and I was afraid of making new memories because I was running out of time and because I was afraid this was all for nothing."

Usami gazed at him, his eyes full of light.

"But I realise I was wrong because you gave made me realise I had enough time, more than enough to experience your love and to be happy. I love you all so much and I'm so thankful I met you. I don't want to say goodbye now but one day, even when I have to leave for real…just think of me going on a long journey. Okay?"

Takahiro's voice cracked as he said, "All right."

Misaki smiled gently at his brother and said, "Nii-chan, you have Manami to take care of each other now. Promise me you'll take care of yourself when I'm gone, okay?"

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, his glass trembling a little. Usami's hand on his shoulder steadied his raging heart. It was hard to say goodbye even though you knew you didn't know when you were leaving. "It's just…I think I'll miss you all so much."

Silently, Aikawa stood up and she raised her glass up. She fixed Misaki with a steady, compassionate gaze full of nothing but respect and pride for him. "We'll miss you too. Believe us."

Manami stood up and raised her glass. "Shall we make a toast to you, Misaki?"

Misaki blinked in surprise as everyone began raising their glasses and Usami wrapped an arm around his waist gently. Takahiro was wiping the faint streaks of tears from his face and now he looked brave and steady as he grinned at his brother, full of love.

"To my brother, Misaki. The bravest kid I ever knew. May his journey…be safe. May he find happiness wherever he goes."

Everyone clinked their glasses and Aikawa gazed at him for a long time. "You're a gift, Misaki. I'm honoured to know you."

This time Misaki couldn't help crying but he didn't let the sadness linger on too long. This was after all supposed to be a happy night.

When everyone had finally had their fill and it was time to leave, Misaki couldn't find the strength to see them out the door but he hugged each and every one of them tight before they left, saving his brother for the last. Takahiro squeezed him as tight as he could and whispered, "Misaki, I love you."

"I love you too, nii-chan."

He waved tiredly, smiling until his cheeks hurt as they exited one by one, thanking him for the wonderful dinner and promising to come visit again. His heart filled with affection and care for each one of them. Somehow, their lives had overlapped and he hoped they didn't regret meeting him. If he had to go on a long, terrifying journey soon at least he had these safe harbours in the storm for a while, taking him in and giving his battered heart hope and peace. He held the memory of his brother's face in his mind and wondered if this might be the last time he would see him again. But this was how he wanted to remember everyone, smiling and well, dressed in their very best. Perhaps happiness was very simple after all…with just good food, good company and people you love at your side.

Usami closed the door finally and Misaki blurted out happily, "Usagi-san, thank you for everything."

The older man smiled at him and laughed. "No, I barely did anything. This is your party,remember? Your celebration."

Misaki sighed in soft pleasure and murmured, "Well, it was wonderful."

Usami caressed his cheek and replied, "It really was."

His body suddenly felt so tired despite the adrenaline high just now, coursing through his veins like liquid fireworks. Misaki suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to sleep. His body felt like dead weight, too slow and heavy for him to remain in any longer. He closed his eyes and felt Usami lift him gently out of his wheelchair. Instinctively, he wrapped his arms around his lover and hugged him close as he carried him up the stairs.

Outside, the snow had stopped falling and all the world lay sleeping under a hushed, blanket of white, holding its breath for the next dawn.

* * *

_Parlando means in a talking manner_

_Like a piano murmuring its reply to the violin_

_Like an endless conversation that flows like a river_

_Like all the words you never imagined you had inside your heart_

_Spoken all in a rush_

_Because time is short/because time is too fickle to care about us_

_Until we're gone._

_(ps: we're nearing the end. Sorry for the late update. Once again, I have no idea who is reading this but thank you for sticking this life has made me so busy that I barely have time to write but despite my panic attacks and loneliness, I'm starting to fall into a comfortable rhythm of studying and trying to survive each day. I've made some friends and I think I'll be okay. I hope that whoever you are, if you too are nervous or if you're worried about making new friends, I just want to say that I know how that feels and all I can adivse you to do is to just hold on, be strong and take care of yourself. Don't worry. It does get better eventually. Dark clouds don't hang around forever. You've made it this far and just know that I don't know you but I care for you and I sincerely wish you well)_


	8. Chapter 8: Morendo

Chapter 8: Morendo

Usami woke up first and rolled over to face Misaki, reaching a hand out to cup his cheek.

He was burning hot.

That was what made Usami jerk upright, panic streaming through his veins. He touched Misaki’s forehead once more and was shocked to find him burning up with fever. Misaki’s cheeks were flushed slightly and his normally peaceful sleeping expression was contorted with something else; a hint of pain and discomfort. He looked so weak and tired, lying there that Usami feared for the worst. A small voice in his heart echoed, Please…not now. I need more time. He deserves more time.

Then to his agonised relief, Misaki rolled over and breathed out in small, shallow gasps. His eyes opened blearily and his unfocused gaze landed on Usami. He looked as though he wasn’t sure where he was. “U-Usagi-san…?”

Usami gently smoothed the boy’s thinning hair back and whispered, “You have a temperature.”

“A-am I going to die?”

“Not on my watch. I’m going to go get some pills for you. Wait here.” Usami stood up in a hurry.

Misaki opened and closed his mouth, licking his dry lips. “Water.” He croaked. His throat felt like the Sahara.

The older man disappeared for a moment and returned, carrying a glass of water. Misaki tried to sit up but it felt like his bones were made of painful needles and he moaned softly, his joints aching. Usami helped to prop him up and tipped the precious liquid into Misaki’s mouth. He drank hungrily and Usami said calmly, “Take it easy.”

The boy chuckled and choked a little on his water. Usami patted his back until Misaki finally could lie back in bed. He moaned softly and mumbled weakly, “I feel like a block of wood. Please stay with me. I don’t think I can even walk to the bathroom.”

“I won’t be going anywhere. I’ll be right here. Didn’t I promise I’d never leave your side?” Usami stated firmly.

Misaki looked at him drowsily and smiled. “I know. But you’re also going to go make me breakfast, right?”

“That’s right, your highness. I am your humble servant.” Usami bowed down to him and kissed Misaki’s clammy hand as though he were a prince. A small smile appeared on Misaki’s face.

For a few minutes, Misaki occupied himself by gazing at the shapes on the ceiling, trying to understand whether the fever was making him hallucinate all those swirling horses or whether they really existed. He didn’t even hear Usami enter the room once more, pulling out a chair next to the bed and spreading a number of pills on the bedspread. A bowl of porridge rested on a tray with a small ice pack in a cotton wrap. Misaki smiled gratefully at him as Usami fed him slowly and patiently. Misaki truly couldn’t help it. He felt like absolute shit and his bones were killing him. The raging heat prickling uncomfortably all over his body did not even go away after he ate his medicine and the usual painkillers.   
Usami stroked his hair and whispered, “You should rest. Go back to sleep.”

Misaki tried to explain that he felt this irrational fear of not being to wake up this time but sleep came for him like a dark hand smoothing his lids shut and he was powerless to resist it.

Usami stayed by his side for a long time, watching his chest rise and fall weakly until he finally left the room.

…

As Misaki slept, he dreamt.

A meadow stretched out before him, blossoming in all the colours of the rainbow. It was spring and this did not make sense because he was certain it was still winter. He turned around, laughing in delight when he felt the wind whisper in his ears and the soft white clouds blew across the azure blue sky like white-tailed mares chasing each other across a field. He was vaguely aware he was holding a hand tightly in his but he was so impatient to run forward, to run the entire length of the meadow. Somehow, his body did not feel like the one he had known for so long in his cancer. He was not tired nor did he feel like he needed to drop to his knees every few seconds. Misaki felt like he could fly across the field. He felt like he could run forever without tiring. A bright flame flickered inside him and the meadow beckoned to him again. He wondered how far it stretched and something deep inside him knew that if he ran a little faster, if he just started running now…he might be able to find out all its secrets.

Tulips bloomed in a ring around him and nodded in the breeze. He squeezed the hand clutching his tightly and he whispered, “I have to go.”

And Usami’s voice whispered from behind him, “I know.”

Misaki turned and saw his lover standing there, smiling gently at him. He released Misaki’s hand as the boy gazed at him in wonder.

“Go. They’re waiting for you.”

Misaki didn’t want to leave his lover standing in the field alone like that. Usami had never looked more at peace than he did now but Misaki found himself reaching forward to take his hand again uncertainly. He bit his lip and said softly, “Who’s waiting for me? Will…you come with me?”

“No. I’m not supposed to give anything away. It’s a surprise.” And a wide, content smile of relief spread across Usami’s face out of nowhere. It was like the Sun coming out and shining through dark clouds. It was like the dawn rising over the horizon. Misaki had no idea why he was so happy and why he was looking at Misaki like he was about to say goodbye…

From the far end of the meadow, a soft light beckoned like a lighthouse calling out over the ocean. Misaki whipped his head around to look at it and he called out to Usami to come with him but his lover shook his head, still smiling at him full of a sad, sweet wisdom he did not understand.

“I can’t come with you.”

Misaki frowned and he stepped closer to Usami. He wrapped his arms carefully around him, embracing him tightly and feeling their hearts beating against each other. He murmured softly, “Will I see you again?”

“Yes, I promise.”

Now it was Misaki’s turn to walk away slowly. The earth felt warm under his feet, like good sunshine had seeped into it and was stirring all living things up in its warm golden glow. He turned to smile at Usami and said cheerfully, “Okay then. I don’t want to say goodbye so I’ll say I’ll see you soon.”

Usami grinned at him and finally let go of his hand. “See you soon.”

…

When Misaki woke from his sleep, he felt as though his body had grown so old and weary like a well-worn sweater he could shrug off. A strange feeling came over him when he stared at the room for a long moment, realising how odd it looked. Nothing seemed real to him and he felt as though he were looking at an old painting, its shapes and colours foreign to him. Everything seemed so fragile and as though it did not exist in his reality. Still, the thought of his dream came back to him in slow, sweet fragments and he found himself smiling gently to himself, a sense of comfort and relief spreading from inside his chest.

Light-headedly, he stepped out of bed. The room wobbled a bit and he found himself breathing hard to steady himself. He clung to the bedpost and reassured himself by its solidness. He wished that the world wouldn’t be so hazy and indistinct, like a surreal photo in a museum. His forehead was lined with sweat and as he placed a hand on it, he realised Usami had placed a wet cloth over it and it had grown warm from his fever. His whole body felt weak and shaky but somehow, the fever had broken for now.

The house was strangely quiet and Misaki found himself wandering slowly around the bedroom, taking one halting step after another. Outside, he could see the first plants poking out of the melted snow hesitantly. The weather was finally getting warmer and shifting towards spring. The tree overhead had a few pale green leaves already and it comforted him in a way he couldn’t explain. He wondered vaguely where Usami was. Again, nothing seemed real because he felt as though he were made of smoke and could disappear any moment. It was the strangest feeling he had ever felt.

Misaki walked down the stairs shakily, his legs buckling every few seconds like a new colt trying to walk. He vaguely felt as though he should go into the living room and he made his way there, his head fuzzy and his whole body weighed down by a tiredness that did not seem like his.

And there in the couch, Usami was fast asleep, his long fingers steepled over his chest. His chest rose and fell in deep breaths, clearly indicating he was in deep slumber. The warmth of the radiator must have made him doze off and Misaki felt a deep surge of love and affection in his heart, gazing at his lover. He walked closer to look at him. Usami was so beautiful even when he was asleep and Misaki found himself feeling sorry for those dark circles around his eyes. He must be so exhausted and full of worry and pain.

Misaki wanted to tell him not to worry and that it would be okay. This would be how life would continue after he was gone after all. Time would heal this and time would heal the sharp pain of passing.All things hurt, bleed, scab off and shed in order to grow new skin over time. He wanted so badly to tell him about his dream which he felt was more meaningful than any dream he ever had and he wanted to run his fingers through his grey hair and wake Usami up. He wanted him to kiss him and comfort him. To tell him everything would be okay.

He did none of that of course.

Some things, Misaki knew, were meant to be left the way they were. He wanted to keep this moment a secret all to himself. He wanted to take these precious minutes to memorise Usami’s face and hold it close to his heart forever. The quietness of the room slowly seeped its way into this soft, sacred moment and Misaki allowed himself to feel every emotion coursing through his heart at the moment: fear, grief, love, recognition and wonder.

Gently, he bent down and kissed Usami very softly on the top of his head.

He would prefer his lover sleeping like this. So at peace and untouched by pain or worry. He felt so safe with him and he wondered if Usami knew just how much he loved him at that moment.

Suddenly, his eye caught the screen of the laptop flickering on the coffee table and he cast a curious glance at it. It took him a few seconds to realise that this was the manuscript of Usami’s story. He must have sent it to Aikawa already and he had forgotten to close the tab. Misaki found an overwhelming sense of curiosity echoing in his heart and he couldn’t resist clicking on the mouse to enlarge the words to read it better.

Misaki found himself reading the final chapter of the manuscript. It looked so different from the earlier draft that he found himself wondering if it was the same story. His eyes fell on the first line of the chapter and he read it reverently, holding his breath.

_And every wish and hope I ever thought of…I shaped it because of him. Each drop of blood I shed for him. Every moment spent with him was like a gift. I would never let him go even in the last days of my life. He made all the darkness worth it and I wanted to keep him by my side forever._

Misaki read the story slowly, savouring each word and he couldn’t help grinning when the two main characters embraced in the end, enfolded in brilliant light. It had been such a long, dark journey through the mazes and labyrinths but in the end, they finally found each other. Instead of killing off one character in a bloody battle, Usami took Misaki’s advice seriously and gave them a gloriously happy ending. It echoed with hope and redemption with every word. He never knew Usami could write like this and he found himself cheering softly inside for his lover. Deep inside, he secretly hoped that if Usami could still write a happy ending for himself, he would not give up on the future. He would keep on living and this would give him strength after Misaki’s death.

But now Misaki realised that Usami might not know it now but he was going to be okay. He would be able to make magic out of nothing but his words and his memories might end up as his strength. He could immortalise Misaki over and over again in different stories if he wanted and Misaki chuckled softly, remembering that he probably already did that.

It was true then. If you fall in love with a writer, you can never die.

Misaki brushed a half-burnt cigarette off the table and couldn’t help laughing quietly again. Usami had been clean for nearly a year already ever since Misaki told him to quit but now, he couldn’t bring himself to be mad at him. Poor Usagi-san. He must be under a lot of stress. Misaki turned the box of cigarettes over and over his fingers, sighing. He remembered the first day he met Usami, remembered the scent of cigarette smoke surrounding him like a halo. He remembered all the times he had laughed with him, infuriated him and fell into his arms, the way he looked at Misaki with lust and love, the way he made everything seem so easy and effortless. He took out one cigarette and placed it on the table, smiling softly at all the memories associated with it.

“You can smoke these now. I don’t mind.” He said quietly.

Slowly, he settled himself on the couch, feeling his body grow heavier and heavier. It seemed as though he were watching the scene from above for some odd reason, floating above his own body. Everything seemed so small and insignificant as he leaned his head on Usami’s shoulder and held his hand. The world blurred even more at the edges as he shut his eyes and drifted off again into the unknown.

…

_Morendo means dying away_   
_Like a soft dream of falling asleep next to someone you love_   
_Like the last traces of dew in the morning_   
_Like light at the end of a long day_   
_Like summer turning into autumn_

_All things have a cycle._   
_All things must come to an end._

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9: Lacrimosa

Chapter Nine: Lacrimosa

The next time Misaki woke up, it was in the middle of the night. He had no idea how much time had passed since he went down to sleep next to Usami on the couch. The room was dark and his eyes took time to adjust. Outside, a storm was blowing. This was rare. There was usually snow but this time, it seemed as though a real thunderstorm was coming. In a panic, he reached out blindly for Usami and felt deep relief when a familiar voice whispered his name. "Misaki?"

Usami shifted his position so that his lips were resting on Misaki's forehead while his hands stroked Misaki's hair gently. Misaki pressed his cheek against Usami's chest, feeling extremely tired.

"Usagi-san…what time is it? Did I fall asleep?" his voice sounded so soft and weak.

Usami pressed his lips against Misaki's forehead. "It's dusk. You don't remember?"

Misaki shook his head. He vaguely recalled getting up to eat and take his medicine but the fever had came back with ferocious zeal and he could only recall things in small, pain-filled moments. Still, he sighed in relief simply because his lover was with him and hugged Usami tightly. Misaki pressed his hand against Usami's broad chest, feeling his heart beating in time with his own. The sound of his strong, healthy heart beating rhythmically against his fingers comforted Misaki slightly, reassuring him that at least one of them was well. One of them was going to live a long life and be happy. It felt like a pale shadow in the distant future but Misaki held on to the hope that Usami would move on somehow after his death. He knew he was going to die. It was just a matter of time. His heart was slowing down, barely a soft murmur in the background.

Still, he listened to Usami's steady heartbeat for a while before he spoke, voice hushed and quiet.

"Usagi-san, I…had a dream just now."

Usami linked their fingers together and planted a soft kiss on Misaki's knuckles, "Oh, really? What did you dream about?" he murmured.

Misaki smiled in the darkness shyly. "It was a nice dream…a hopeful one. You might think it's silly…but I think I was cured in that dream."

His lover kissed his cheek and whispered, "I don't think that's silly. It sounds like a lovely dream."

"You were in that dream too."

"Hmmm?"

"You were…telling me it's okay…that I had to go and you could not follow…or something. But you were in my dream and I was so happy."

Usami was silent for a moment before he gently tipped Misaki's chin up and whispering, "Is it really okay, do you think? I'd follow you if I could. You know that."

Misaki chuckled softly and let his head lean against Usami's shoulder. "I don't even know where I'm going."

A sudden chill of fear passed through him at the thought of never being able to hold him that close ever again caused him to grip the older man even tighter.

"Usagi-san…I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"Of what would happen if I…you know…"

"Misaki, I…"

"Do you think it will hurt?"

Usagi brushed his thumb lightly over Misaki's lips gently. He carefully kissed Misaki's temple and ran his fingers through Misaki's brown hair slowly.

"No. it wouldn't hurt at all, I swear."

Outside their window, a leaf on a branch trembled from the force of the storm.

Misaki looked up at the ceiling and closed his eyes as though some unseen light hurt him.

"How do you think this will end for me?" his voice was barely a murmur now and Usami had to strain to hear him.

Usami paused.

"Happy, very happy. You'll be at a wonderful new place without any suffering or pain and you can see your parents too. You'll get to see everyone you've lost. You'll be very happy there, I know." Usagi ruffled Misaki's hair, smiling.

Misaki shrugged off Usami's hand with a rather funny expression on his face. He looked as though he was trying to restrain a smile. He took Usami's large, warm hands in his and laughed, "That's the biggest load of crap I ever heard."

Usami rolled his eyes. He twined his fingers gently through Misaki's and murmured, "Why on earth do you think that's crap? I'm trying to offer you comfort here."

"You make it sound like heaven exists and that everything will be okay after I die. What if I have to go through some trial or something and I get thrown into hell?"

"You're so pessimistic."

Misaki paused but then he finally broke character and laughed at Usami's exasperated face. "I'm just joking. Who doesn't want to be happy? Its just…you never said heaven existed before."

"I want it to exist. I want it to exist for you." He placed a hand on Misaki's cheek and the boy suddenly felt his throat close up with tears.

MIsaki smiled sadly at the older man. "You really think so?"

Usami kissed Misaki's forehead again. "Yes, and if you're not happy there, God will have to answer to me."

"You can't fight God. Or fate, you know," Misaki coughed slightly before pressing his cheek against Usagi's chest. He was silent for a few minutes before he blushed and tugged at Usami's arm. He put his lips to the man's ear and whispered hoarsely,

"I won't be happy."

"Why not?"

"B-because you wouldn't be there with me. I'll miss you a lot."

Usami sighed quietly and said, "I'll miss you more."

They fell silent, and without a word, Usami began kissing Misaki. He knew it might be the last time he could experience the feeling of Misaki's warm lips on his ever again. He pushed a dark lock of hair off Misaki's forehead and kissed him there possessively. Misaki felt Usami's warm lips slide down to his mouth where he planted a passionate, deep kiss. Misaki moaned, letting the warmth of the kiss seep down to his soul and make his failing heart sputter a little with life.

Usami's hands roamed all over Misaki's body and unlike the first time, Misaki didn't cry out or yell, "Stop it, you homo!" or try to fight him off. Usami smiled ruefully, remembering those first days when Misaki had resisted all his affections. In hindsight, he wished he wasn't such a perv but he knew from the very first day he laid eyes on Misaki that he never wanted to live a day longer on this earth if he couldn't touch him at least once.

And now he was touching him, memorising him, running his fingers over a curve of a shoulder, a dip of a collarbone and the soft skin of his eyelids trembling under his touch. He touched him like he had all the time in the world but they both knew that wasn't true.

Time was running out anyway.

Usami ran his hands through the boy's hair and that was when Misaki said quietly, "I'm sorry."

"Whatever for?"

"I wish…we had more time. I wish I didn't have to leave you like this."

Usami kissed Misaki's mouth again in the darkness and said, "You will never leave me really. I will always remember you every day. There is nothing on earth that can make me forget you."

The light was fading outside, shrouding the room in twilight shades of purple and grey. The wind continued to whip the leaf back and forth on the branch outside. They watched it for a moment until the darkness made their eyes hurt.

In the dark, Usami caressed the side of Misaki's face with his gentle fingers and felt something warm and wet trickling down. Tears. Usami leaned in and licked the droplets of tears that were slowly making their way down Misaki's cheeks. He tasted Misaki's grief and fear in each droplet and finally he knew that he would never be able to describe in any of his novels the fear, grief and love echoing in his heart in that very moment no matter how great a writer he was. He felt so small and helpless, watching Misaki struggle to remain conscious, pained breaths escaping his lips.

He wanted to tell Misaki that it was okay to go, it's okay to leave him. If this was all that would end his pain, then he would let him go.

"Stay with me, please. I…don't want to be alone." Misaki's voice was barely above a whisper.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm here. Don't be scared, Misaki."

"Can you hold my hand, Usagi-san?"

Their fingers laced together in the darkness and Usami kissed Misaki's mouth one last time.

It felt like coming home to a place you've always known.

Pale, chapped lips curved weakly into a final smile against his cheek when he pulled away gently. He remembered the first time he kissed Misaki in the rain, an umbrella abandoned at their feet. He remembered the fights they had, the laughter they shared and the times when he would just stare at Misaki silently while he slept, hoping he wouldn't notice how deeply and hopelessly in love he was with him.

"I love you," Usami whispered the three simple words effortlessly.

"I..I…l-love you too." Misaki murmured back.

The leaf outside finally tore away from the branch and fluttered away in the breeze, drifting towards the black sky, the clouds, the unknown.

"Don't forget me." Usami said softly.

"Why would I?" Misaki's words were beginning to slur and his heartbeat falterd.

But Usami kept holding onto Misaki's hand until it slowly turned ice-cold in his grip, until Misaki's eyes drifted closed for the last time.

_Till death do us part._

Usagi buried his face in his hands and cried softly next to the lifeless body of Misaki, the person he cared for and loved the most in his life. The person who Usagi promised to protect and love for eternity…

And now that person was gone forever.

* * *

_Lacrimosa means with great sorrow, sadly;_

_Like the beeping of a heart monitor counting out its last beats,_

_Like seeing a flower garden covered in frost or a storm tearing it apart_

_Like holding a hand that slowly turns cold in your grasp,_

_Like hearing every goodbye in the world spoken in one halting breath_

_by the deathbed of someone you love_

_Like being in eternal night_

_Because they were the sun/because they were your sun_

_(ps: …are you all okay? T.T Y'all have to admit that you got to be prepared for this to happen somehow. It did say character death on the cover. But this isn't the final chapter, I promise. I have two more to go so hold your hate mail and death threats until then. Okay, thanks. Oh, and I changed some details in chapter one. Go back and read it if you want. I finally realized that there's no way this story can happen in September if spring is right around the corner. Sometimes, I obsessively change and update all the chapters to ensure the story flows better so I dare say that the story changes in small subtle ways every time you come back to read it. Forgive me. T.T this chapter is actually the original one-shot that started the whole thing and I changed it at some parts to fit better with the overall mood. Can you believe that this story actually started and ended with this death scene? No wonder everyone kept telling me that they couldn't rest until I offered proper closure and how Usami coped with the grief. I promise these questions will be answered in the next chapters. Thank you so much for reading this far and between you and me, this was necessary in a way because death is definitely inevitable in this story. This was hard to read and write, I know. I might write in a week or so. Please take care of yourselves until then.)_


	10. Chapter 10: Fermata

Chapter Ten: Fermata

Nowaki was sitting in the flower shop, trimming a bonsai plant when the doorbell tinkled. He looked up in surprise. No one usually came this early so perhaps it was a customer coming to collect their order. Hastily, he wiped his muddy hands on his apron and stood up with a welcoming smile. “Good morning, how can I help you?”

Standing before him was a tall man dressed in a black suit. The snow hadn’t melted fully off his silvery hair so he looked like a still stone sculpture for a moment, left out in the snow. His eyes seemed to be looking at something faraway before they focused on Nowaki with a hollow gaze. Suddenly, Nowaki was acutely aware of the bruised, dark circles under the man’s eyes and the way he set his jaw, as though he were holding a burden too great on his shoulders and was straining from the painful weight of it. The smile slowly slid off Nowaki’s lips when he finally took in the expression on the man’s face for real.

He had never seen so much pain and grief in his life.

“I’m here to pick up the bouquet for the funeral.” He passed Nowaki his receipt.

The realization hit Nowaki like a fist. He did not need to hear the way the man said it, the dead toneless sound of his voice, roughened by tears and sadness. He did not need to see the expression on his face as though all the light or radiance had seeped out of it like a painting left too long in the rain. The air in the florist shop suddenly seemed heavier and darker for a moment and in that small second, Nowaki just instantly knew that this man had lost someone he loved more than anyone else in the world.

The boy in the wheelchair must have died.

An indescribable sadness welled up in Nowaki’s heart and he couldn’t explain why. He seemed like such a kind, gentle boy. Why did this happen? How could this have even happened?

Anyone could have seen they were in love.

Still, Nowaki did not wish to intrude. He simply nodded and cast Usami a look full of sympathy and understanding. He wished he could comfort him but he did not want to push this delicate issue any further. Death is messy every time and no matter how many white roses and hydrangeas he arranged into bouquets, he never knew how to comfort the bereaved. He never knew what to say when they walked into his shop, their eyes hollow and their cheeks glistening with tears. No, he decided to keep quiet and let them have their privacy. Talking about death was like playing a tug of war with a glass rope, splintering and slicing skin with each painful attempt to drag it to your safer side.  

He reached into the refrigerator used to keep flowers fresh and pulled out a large bouquet of dark crimson roses. The symbols of everlasting grief and sorrow. Their petals looked like crushed rubies and each one blossomed with their subtle scent. Carefully, he tied their stems together, taking care not to crush the green leaves and wrapped them carefully in paper and black ribbons. The dark bouquet made a stark contrast on the white lace wrapped around them, as though they were an open wound bleeding on fresh white bandages.

He handed the bouquet to Usami and said quietly, “I am sorry for your loss.”

The man did not reply for a moment as he wrote out a cheque for the purchase. Finally, he said softly, “Thank you.” The emptiness in his voice broke Nowaki’s heart

As he turned around to leave, a sudden memory leaped into Nowaki’s head. The boy in the wheelchair blushing and saying, _“I wonder if he likes red tulips.”_

“Wait!” the florist blurted out and stepped out clumsily from behind the counter. The man turned around in surprise and saw Nowaki gathering a few long stems of bright red tulips. He took the bouquet from Usami and artfully arranged the tulips in the centre, removing a few red roses as he did so. His face was embarrassed but he seemed determined to do this.

“I’m sorry! I don’t mean to be rude but he w-would have wanted you to have this.”

Usami watched with confused wonder when the florist finally presented him the new bouquet. This time, at the center, a small galaxy of red tulips bloomed. The tulips were not the faded, dark maroon of the roses surrounding them. Rather, they were a warmer and fierier hue of red. They reminded him of a fresh beating heart pumping blood throughout the body, of red apples in the summer, strawberries and all things that blossomed in the sun. The dark scarlet roses surrounding the tiny flickering flame in the middle looked darker then, like congealed blood, icy and devoid of life. Somehow, the combination worked and he found himself staring in awe at the most beautiful bouquet he had ever seen in his life, both fire and ice existing in the same place, tied together by an elegant ribbon the colour of the midnight sky. It was like looking at a yin yang symbol, all the good and bad of life and death locked in a swirling pattern. The tulips resembled small red hearts burning with their own fire and he couldn’t help brushing a finger over their silky heads, mesmerized.

The florist was still talking. “The other day, when he came into my shop…he asked me what flowers were suitable to give to someone he loved. When I told him about the tulips, he seemed interested but he ended up not buying them after all because he had to leave. I kept the tulips for him anyway because he seemed like he genuinely wanted to give these to someone. These are the last ones in my shop. Please…please take them.” Nowaki breathed out shakily and pushed the bouquet gently into Usami’s hands and the man stammered, “I…I have to pay you…”

“No, no charge.” Nowaki said firmly. He looked at Usami and his eyes were gentle. He wanted to tell him that he understood everything. He too had someone he loved more than his own soul and he could never imagine life without him. He could not imagine the grief and sorrow this man must be experiencing right now. Finally, he said softly, “He said he hoped you liked red tulips. It’s clear that he loves you very much.”

Usami did not seem worried or surprised that the florist knew about his relationship with Misaki. The florist did not even seem judgmental of the fact that they were two men in love. His heart clenched tightly in his chest and his throat choked up with emotion as he took the bouquet and bowed low to the florist. “Thank you.” His voice sounded strangled with all the unspoken words he never got to say. It was just that…this small act of kindness seemed so meaningful and more heartfelt than any of the hundred condolences he had received from people he barely knew. This was a person who Misaki had interacted with, who had somehow deduced the strength of Misaki’s love for him just from a goddamned conversation about flowers. This was someone who Misaki might have left some small piece of himself, a message for Usami like a letter  in a bottle left in the past washing its way up to Usami’s shore in the future. He looked at the tulips, trying to understand Misaki’s message.

As though he could read his mind, the florist said, “Red tulips symbolize a declaration of love. Everlasting love and romance.”

Usami felt his eyes well up with tears when he thought about Misaki coming into this shop and thoughtfully picking out a bouquet for him although perhaps he might never know if he would ever get to present Usami these flowers himself. A single tear fell on one tulip and he breathed out shakily. Did Misaki know he had finally gotten them? He wanted so badly to ask the florist more questions because he was desperate for any memory of Misaki he was not aware of. He wanted more experiences, more evidence that he had roamed this earth for a short while. He wanted any piece of Misaki he could salvage even as the…incident robbed him of nearly everything he had to survive on.

He could never say the word “death”. Not yet. He was too afraid to speak it even his mind because it might make everything more real. He wanted to remain in this small, static-filled space between the present and the murky future, brooding on his grief and the terrible wrenching hole in his heart, nursing his memories and counting them slowly one by one.

“He wasn’t supposed to leave so early. He was supposed to have more time.” Usami whispered. He had no idea why he was telling a random stranger this but there was something in the florist’s honest face that made him feel he could trust him.

“We all need more time. Even flowers die young. I have tended to so many and even though I enjoy their beauty and love them dearly, I’ll have to accept that time is not kind to them and they will eventually wilt and die. If flowers had no chance against death, who are we to hope that we do?” Nowaki paused and wondered if he was being offensive but Usami was listening intently. “But all I can say is that…I am so sorry you did not have more time with him. He was really in love with you, you know?”

A small ghost of a smile quirked up on Usami’s mouth. It was not even a full smile because he could not imagine ever doing such a thing ever again but it seemed enough to soothe his broken heart for a moment. “Everyone keeps telling me that lately. Is it really that obvious?”

Nowaki seemed flustered but he smiled sheepishly and said, “I don’t know him that well but the day he entered my shop and the moment he talked about you…it was like…I don’t know how to describe this…like he was dreaming. His eyes were all bright and he had this breathless tone in his voice. He got shy when I asked him about it though.”

Ah, that sounded like Misaki. Usami’s shattered, bleeding heart beat slightly faster for a moment, recalling the memory of Misaki’s blushing cheeks. He had no idea whether he carried this love around like a torch or if he burned it within himself, secretly warming his hands with it. But now he could easily imagine Misaki thinking about him in the small space of the shop, surrounded by flowers. Those thoughts…did they ever reach him in some way? He realized perhaps there was still so much of his lover he did not know but for now, the fact that he loved him was enough. It was enough to know that their love was on Misaki’s mind constantly. He had never bought him flowers before and it seemed like the grand romantic gesture Usami would do but now, gazing at the tulips, his heart ached with longing once more. A different kind of longing, filled with the knowledge that he would never be able to say thank you. Knowing that this might be the last gift Misaki ever gave him.

“I get that way too when I talk about the guy I love.” Nowaki confessed in a rush and Usami looked at him in surprise. The man’s face was a little red but Usami knew that look well. He had seen Misaki with that exact same look. Then, something in his heart thawed a little and he said kindly, “That’s good. After all, isn’t that what romance is all about?”

The florist brightened a little and smiled. “I guess it is.”

Usami felt the gigantic weight crushing his back ease off a little. “I wish you two every happiness then. You have so much time. Please…don’t take it for granted.”

Nowaki nodded solemnly. Then he bowed to Usami once more and said softly, “Thank you. Once again, my sincere condolences.”

Usami had heard that phrase too many times already since yesterday but he could tolerate this man saying them. He bowed back. “Thank you for the flowers. I really appreciate them. They’re breathtaking…I’m sure he would like them too.”

As he walked out of the shop, another man brushed past him. He barely even glanced back at him but the man paused at the door, watching as Usami entered the car from the passenger door and it sped off promptly without a second glance.

“Hiro-san?” Nowaki appeared at the doorway and he looked surprise to see his lover standing there. “I thought you had work today.”

Hiroki did not say anything. He seemed to be lost in thought, staring into the distance where the car had vanished. “I have to attend a funeral so I have a half day off.”

Nowaki’s hand covered his gently, intertwining their fingers. “Hiro-san…do you know that man?”

“I used to.”

Hiroki breathed out slowly and his eyes were full of pity. Then, he spoke aloud, “It’s not fucking fair.”

“What is?”

“I used to hate him and I used to love him. But now I just feel sorry for him. No one should lose their soulmate so early like that. That’s what’s not fair.”

Nowaki was quiet for a moment before he rested his chin on Hiroki’s shoulder. “I love you…have I told you that today?”

“Well, no…why are you saying this suddenly?”

The black-haired man paused, remembering the other man’s words about time.

“You never know.”

…

They had debated long whether they should have a traditional Shinto funeral or a classic Christian one in a proper graveyard and cemetery. Usami knew which one he chose. He wanted to be able to visit Misaki whenever he wanted and he could not imagine scattering his ashes in the wind where he knew he could never see him again or even cremating the body. He couldn’t take the idea of his lover perishing in fire. “It’s better to follow Misaki’s requests. He did not want a fuss after all.” Takahiro said blankly. He looked like he wanted to follow his brother to the grave if he could and Manami squeezed his hand gently.

It had been a long, hard night.

They found Misaki’s will and there were some specific instructions in there. Misaki did not care much for tradition or even religious rites. He clearly stated in the will that he did not mind whatever way they chose to bury him as long as it put them in peace. Usami had to read the will a few times to actually comprehend it because he had been crying so hard the whole time. Even until his last days, he was still thinking about them and trying his best not to trouble them. It broke his heart.

 Manami suggested gently that a private funeral should be held at an open-minded church since traditional Buddhist funerals may not be too understanding of the fact that the deceased’s male lover wanted to speak at the eulogy and perhaps kiss the body. Usami just nodded numbly. Everything felt numb at that point, like he had lost too much blood already to care.

They managed to find a church that discreetly handled funerals like this and they decided to make it a rather private funeral, just among close friends and relatives. It was better this way and Usami himself thought Misaki would have approved of such a modest affair. They didn’t want to stick to tradition anymore. Why not be unconventional? He was already gay anyway and the funeral invitations clearly stated Misaki as his spouse. There didn’t seem to be any reason to hide it anymore.

When Eri Aikawa showed up at his house after getting the news, dressed in an ebony silk dress and with her mascara smudged from crying, he did not know what to say when she spat out angrily, “Fuck everything. FUCK EVERYTHING. This is so unfair.”

Then, sobbing hard, she had hugged him tightly and fiercely the way he imagined his mother might have done to him if he ever hurt himself. She squeezed him so hard that he felt his breath knocked out of his chest. She pulled back and glared at him with an indignant fire in his eyes. He knew she wasn’t mad at him but at this point, she looked like she could set the world on fire with her anger.

“He was such a good kid. He never deserved this shit. Fuck cancer. Fuck death and literally everything. Why did this have to happen?!” she said furiously, rubbing her eyes and smudging more of the spidery mascara around. They both knew they didn’t have the answers to that question either but Aikawa just wanted to spit it out before the sadness in her overflowed and drowned her. It was better to rage, to feel dry, hard and angry instead of weak with watery sadness.

Usami could not bring himself to manifest his sadness in the form of anger. He just felt the grief freezing him from the inside out, slowly frosting his heart and making the whole world seem like an endless Arctic. The sun was weakly shining and slowly melting the last traces of snow outside but the last of it had melted into pattering rain which drizzled down lightly upon the roof. Still, inside his heart he just felt endlessly cold, like he was lost in a blizzard with no cabin in sight.

This was the reason Aikawa ended up driving him to and fro to all the places he needed to go. She was probably afraid he might crash the car in a suicidal attempt to join Misaki. There wasn’t much for him to do since Manami and Takahiro handled everything. The funeral arrangements were absurdly smooth and he wished that perhaps something might have happened to delay them but the truth was that Manami and Takahiro had probably planned this out from day one after all. There was nothing he could do except to buy the flowers.

The way funerals are held often told more about the people who loved the deceased instead of the deceased themselves after all.  

Aikawa was looking at him now as she drove his car. Her face was worried as she asked hesitantly, “We’re going to go to the funeral now, okay?”

He nodded numbly. It all felt so unreal.

Aikawa shifted the car into the third gear as they cruised past the traffic lights. “Those are some beautiful tulips by the way. I’m sure he’d like them.”

He kept quiet and Aikawa subtly got the hint. She knew he was grieving now and she badly wanted to tell him that everything would be okay, that time would heal this…but it didn’t feel like her place to say that. The only person who could offer him solace was currently in a coffin.

Usami felt like he had no words left to say. He had run out of all of them the night he said goodbye.

And even goodbye seemed not enough.

…

This is a memory.

Usami walked in on Misaki writing his will and he said, “You don’t have to do this now. You still have time.”

Misaki looked at him and shook his head. “No, I don’t. I need to write this all down now. I’m going to die.” His eyes were dark and serious. Usami sighed. It looked like Misaki was in one of his morbid moods again. He was not in a mood to deal with this but he sat down patiently and said, “From the day we are born, we already start dying, Misaki.”

The boy ran his hand through his hair and sighed. “I just…wanted to make sure you don’t make a huge fuss when I die. I don’t want you to trouble yourself.”

Usami tenderly brushed his hair back and said, “I’m not troubled.”

“Okay…but I’m still giving you all my money in my bank account. You can donate it to these orphanages if you like but someday, when your books don’t sell anymore, you can use it.” He sucked on the end of his pen thoughtfully and Usami snorted in mock-outrage.

“Are you saying someday no one will like my writing anymore?”

Misaki stuck his tongue out at him playfully. “You can’t write gay stuff forever.”

“Watch me.”

And Misaki had laughed. He did not mean it. He was just joking after all. Deep inside him, he knew what an excellent writer Usami was although he felt he was too proud to admit it because that was all it took to stoke Usami’s large ego. That was when he put his pen down and placed his will aside.

“I don’t think I’ll write this now. It just makes you sad, doesn’t it? I don’t like seeing you sad.” Misaki smiled sheepishly. Usami’s heart filled with love for him even more in that moment and he just leaned over to kiss the boy chastely on his lips.

“We still have time. Don’t worry about this for now.”

…

The funeral was a small, quiet affair. Everyone clustered around the pews in the church, dressed in their best black clothes. When they pulled into the parking lot, Takahiro was the first to come out and greet them, dressed in a black coat. His eyes were red from crying as he hugged Usami and whispered, “It’s all right. It’s all right. He isn’t in pain anymore. He fought so bravely. You and I know that.”

How could anything be all right? But Usami just nodded and embraced him back, trying to communicate his appreciation for Takahiro’s concern. He knew they were all really trying their best to comfort him but right now, the only emotion raging in his heart was terrible, terrible sadness.

The church went strangely quiet when he entered, walking alone down the centre aisle. Heads turned subtly to cast him sympathetic looks before swiveling back surreptitiously because the pain on his face was too real for anyone to handle. He dared anyone to look into his eyes as he carried the funeral bouquet all the way to the shiny mahogany coffin.

Dozens of bouquets filled with white chrysanthemums, orchids and lilies crowded the coffin, their snow white petals spilling into the casket and trailing down the steps. Usami hesitated as he walked closer and his footsteps slowed down. He did not want to see this any sooner than he needed to. It felt like it was all too real and he felt as though if he saw the face of his dead lover that would make the death more final.

But that was absurd. Death was final anyhow. No one would ever come back from it.

So why did he hesitate before he neared the coffin? Why did he hope so badly for the impossible?

Usami took a deep breath and made the final step up the stairs to the marble dais where the coffin stood on its platform. He looked inside.

Misaki lay as though he were sleeping but Usami knew at once that he would never sleep like that. Not so still and quiet like that with his hands primly positioned over his chest like that. He recalled times when Misaki would roll over in his bed sleepily and steal his blankets, the way he sometimes mumbled in his sleep and the twitching of his lids when he dreamed. There always seemed to be something so alive about him, his life force pulsing strong even at slumber that Usami could never get enough of watching him, amused at how Misaki could effortlessly enchant him even while he was snoring like a bullfrog or kicking out in his sleep like a runaway horse.

But now he was just quiet.

Usami studied the face he knew would haunt his dreams every night from now on and he couldn’t find much similarity between the Misaki he knew in life and the one lying in the coffin. They looked the same but something seemed missing. His face was too quiet and solemn. They had combed his messy brown hair back neatly and Usami hated it. He wished he could reach out and mess it up the way he used to do. The blow that hit him the hardest and nearly made him sink to his knees, gasping in pain up there was when he realized that Misaki was wearing _that_ suit. The one from the first writer’s gala that they attended together. The slim red tie that cascaded down his shirt was the only burst of colour among his funeral clothes. Other than that, he seemed like a snow sculpture, too pale and too cold and unfeeling.

The older man laid down the bouquet on top of Misaki’s folded hands and whispered, “I got your flowers. They’re beautiful. Thank you.”

The whole church seemed to be watching them but Usami did not care much at the moment. He reached out shakily to touch Misaki’s cheek. It did not even feel the same way. He would remember the feeling of touching Misaki’s warm, soft skin until the day he died but now, he felt as though his fingers were touching a stone statue of a saint in a cathedral or a glass carving. There was no warmth left at all. Misaki seemed all too empty and quiet, like a vacant house with its shutters boarded up and its residents gone for good. This act of touching his dead lover felt final then and the awful grief in his heart reared its ugly head up, snapping mercilessly and tearing at his ribs with screaming wails of pain. It was true. Misaki was really dead and he was never coming back. He clapped a hand over his mouth as his vision clouded with tears.

But he suddenly remembered his promise to Misaki. _I’ll keep on living. I’ll mourn you for a while but I promise, I’ll live on for you._ It seemed too cowardly to go back on his promise right now because he had never struggled the way Misaki did. Even ravaged by cancer, he had clung on so firmly to life and he would never have wanted to die young. Usami wasn’t going to throw all his sacrifices away by ending his own life. Life was too precious as it is.

Summoning all his strength, he leant down and planted a gentle kiss on Misaki’s lips. They were soft as snow and colder still.

“I love you.” He murmured. “Come back and haunt me, will you?”

But even as he pulled away and walked down the steps with his heart bleeding out of his chest, he knew that he had been lying to comfort himself. He had been speaking aloud to himself in an empty room, trying to convince himself that the air was listening. Misaki was not there now. His body was there but Usami felt deep inside that the only remnants of him that remained were his memories. He was somewhere else now and hopefully somewhere better.

Funerals were for the living anyway.

The blood red flowers glowed like fire in the coffin and Usami turned around, hoping and wishing that the impossible would happen. That Misaki would suddenly wake up and laugh at him, smile that charming grin of his and toss the flowers in his face. _“I’m still here, you pervert!”_  He wanted him to open his bright green eyes, sit upright and spring into his arms. He wanted to hug him tight and never let go.

But Misaki just lay there, still and quiet in the coffin.

_You can’t fight against God. Or fate, you know?_

…

This is another memory.

When Misaki was in the hospital undergoing his chemotherapy, Usami had sneaked into his ward secretly to hold his hand and stayed there for a good half hour before a nurse chased him out.

While Misaki was sleeping, heavily sedated with drugs, Usami had whispered and begged for forgiveness under his breath, tears streaming down his cheeks. He had prayed to every deity he knew to spare Misaki.

A part of him was disgusted by the fact that he was so selfish. He wanted Misaki to stay alive for him. He wanted more time to love although he knew that every day, the person he loved had to be in unbearable pain to stay alive. He hated himself for wanting so much. Was this how love was supposed to work? It barely seemed fair. Perhaps in an alternate universe they would have more time to fall in love. Perhaps in another universe Misaki was free from this cancer and he’d be around to grow old with him.

_I am so sorry._

…

When they lowered the coffin into the ground and sprinkled the final bits of earth over it, Usami could not bear to watch any longer. He did not want to stand around and be the last one to leave because he was sure he might try to dig up the coffin to kiss Misaki’s cold lips one last time if he were left alone for even a second. Aikawa caught the look in his eyes and understood immediately. “Let’s get out of here.” She said softly and took his arm, steering him into the car. Usami found that nothing in the world even made sense anymore. He never thought he would be so weak and vulnerable like this. He never expected to see his heart buried six feet under the ground. How was he even still walking and talking if he had left half of himself in the graveyard?

Aikawa drove to a nearby bar and pulled out her credit card. “I’ll pay for everything. We need a good long drink. I just want to get drunk for a very, very long time.” She sighed and signaled for the wine.

Usami looked at her and frowned, “Isn’t it too early to drink?”

“Who cares? I just feel like we need to get drunk right now.” Aikawa ran a hand over her tired face, smudging her makeup and not even caring what she looked like. The wine appeared immediately at their table, bright vintage gold in its glass bottle. Deftly, she poured him a full glass. “Let’s get fucking drunk, Akihiko-sama. Numb the pain a little.”

He thought of Misaki lying so quiet and still in the coffin. A few days later perhaps his body would start to fall into decay and the earth would reclaim him, returning his bones and blood to food for plants and insects. He would never be able to see him again or touch him or feel the warmth of his hand in his.

Usami knocked back his drink in one gulp.

Aikawa was right. He just wanted to be drunk for a very long time to forget the pain.

…

Death may have the last laugh but life holds on to all the inside jokes.

One more memory. One last bright light before the sun goes down.

On the day he sent his manuscript to Aikawa, he had felt so tired that he ended up lighting a cigarette guiltily. He had been under so much stress that he barely even knew how to function anymore. He silently apologized to Misaki as the sweet nicotine hit his lungs and he sighed in relief. He blew out the smoke absent-mindedly for a few seconds before stubbing out the flame and reclining tiredly on the couch.

Before he knew it, he was asleep.

In his half-addled nightmares and fleeting dreams, he dreamt someone kissed his forehead. Light as a feather. He glimpsed a bright light and a flash of green but he had no idea what it meant. It felt like he was traveling in a train moving too fast for him to see its surroundings.

When he woke up, Misaki was lying next to him as though he had been there all along. Usami found himself smiling softly because the boy looked so peaceful lying there. He brushed his hair back and suddenly glimpsed the screen of his laptop. His manuscript had suddenly gained one extra page and a single line was typed on it with no context or address. The black characters burned into his mind forever like a universal truth.  

 _You are the love of my life._  

…

Now Usami woke up each day alone. Now he had to get used to fact that he could not roll over and embrace his lover from behind. Now he had to relearn so many things, from sleeping to walking to eating normally. He felt like he had been remade after the death and was seeing the world in a new way all over again. He was writing again though, his words thick and dark like heavy blood flowing out from his fingertips to his laptop. He felt like every day was a trek through a blizzard and the frost in his heart never seemed to thaw.

Manami kept him busy by giving him more work to do and by making him focus on his novel. It was so close to publication already and he would have a book signing ahead of him any week soon but they had pushed it one week ahead to respect his mourning period.

Sometimes, he still turned his head to tell Misaki something funny or interesting but he wasn’t there to hear it.

The only thing he had left of Misaki was the red scarf that he had wrapped around his slender neck. He breathed in the scarf’s scent every night, sleeping next to it, wrapping it around himself like a blanket and trying to memorise the scent of Misaki’s skin on it until he fell asleep. Every night brought no dreams and he was almost desperate for a ghost to come to him or anything to happen really. A sign in the window. A sudden rainbow after a rainstorm. _Anything_ to show him that perhaps his lover was all right wherever he was. Misaki did promise to come back and haunt him then? He found himself looking everywhere for him, searching in crowds and empty hallways, seeing his face in the mirror all the time, reincarnating him over and over in characters in his stories until he deleted them all in one go. This was not how you moved on from grief, was it? This was just making the deceased’s soul restless anyway and this was not even healthy for his mental health. He wished he had a blueprint for coping with grief but perhaps that was the way it worked. Everyone dealt with it in their own time and the process of healing will never happen in one day. He remembered Misaki telling him that the pain of missing someone never went away, that the trick was not to let it define you, to keep living as loudly and as well you could. The grave provides enough time for silence.

_I’m trying, Misaki. God, I’m trying but I miss you so much._

Ghosts were for the living anyway. Just like funerals. We only believe in them because we want some hope, some validation and some shred of light at the end of the tunnel to indicate that the end of the tunnel does not just lead us to another darker tunnel.

He did not believe in ghosts anyway.

But that never stopped Misaki from haunting his memories. He thought about him every day and when he sat at his table alone to eat his pitiful Chinese takeout, he couldn’t help glancing at the empty seat across him. If Misaki were there, he would berate him for eating such cheap food. His lips twitched a little but it had been so long since he smiled.

Manami and Takahiro kindly called him every day, asking him how he was and offering their gentle love and concern. He had never felt so grateful for them before and he could not stop telling them that. Manami suggested that perhaps he might consider adopting a pet. A dog perhaps? He raised his eyebrows at the thought. Maybe it would speed up the healing process.

Maybe.

When he was cleaning out the room the other day, he found a photograph in the front pocket of his shirt and he smoothed it out in wonder. It was a picture of him and Misaki, standing in front of the orphanage and smiling so wide their faces beamed like sunbeams out of the photo. He touched the photo gently, trying to remember without letting it hurt him. Their love had been so fragile but somehow, when he looked at this photo, time peeled away without a trace and he remembered the intense, passionate purity of every single emotion he felt for Misaki. That face staring out at him from the dusty polaroid…did he still look the same now? Did he end up in heaven as Usami had hoped he would? He never really believed in anything but this was something he was willing to bet on. How could someone so innocent, pure-hearted, kind, good, funny and remarkable as Misaki not deserve a happy ending? He had suffered so much, he had bled and cried and lost it all just to have another chance at being with Usami. He deserved so much more.

“I’d rewrite the universe for you if I could.” Usami said softly to boy in the picture. He felt tears roll down his cheeks and he rubbed them away hastily. He had not cried for a week. That was a record, wasn’t it?

“Dammit. When are you going to tell me you’re okay? I just need to know you’re all right and that you…you…” he gulped hard, cutting his loud outburst short. He was just talking in an empty room and the house echoed his words back to him. He steadied himself by taking a few deep breaths. Getting mad at the dead would do him no good anyway. Then, he slipped the photo into his pocket and walked out of the room in search for a photo frame. Outside, the sky was a pale blue for the first time and the first flowers had started to pop out their light green buds. Spring was coming, heavy and sweet like honey dripping ever so slowly down a spoon. But to him, he felt like it couldn’t get here soon enough to melt the frozen wasteland of his heart.

_Where are you? Give me a sign. Please._

It felt like his whole life had moved on without him.

…

_Fermata means a pause, a sustained note_

_Like the missing texts from a manuscript lost at the bottom of an ocean_

_Like long, stretches of time solidified into stalagmites_

_Like stasis, purgatory and Asphodel where shades roam restlessly_

_watching and waiting for the tide to roll in_

_Like a disappearing song_

_  
_


	11. Interlude

Interlude

He woke up with flowers in his hands.

Usami was vaguely aware he was dreaming but he wondered if you were supposed to know that when you were dreaming. He frowned and gazed at himself, wrapped in nothing but white funeral clothes. Instantly, relief surged in his heart because he at least had died of natural causes and not because he had killed himself to join his lover. Was this what it felt like to be dead? He frowned as he examined the bouquet in his hands. It was the exact same one he had placed in Misaki’s coffin before they closed the lid. The only difference now was that the red roses were gone and in their place were just a dozen more tulips, each flaming crimson and orange, defiantly alive and beautiful.

He decided being dead was not so bad.

He was dressed in the white funeral garments he remembered from his childhood. He had seen his family members being bathed in hot water _, yukan_ , to cleanse the soul and then dressed in white garments similar to a yukata, _kyokatabira_. He did not expect to be buried in them himself though but he could not really complain. Perhaps they had assumed he wanted a traditional Japanese funeral. Usami stepped out of the coffin he was lying in and suddenly, he heard a voice brimming with laughter call out to him.

“Those are my flowers you’re holding.”

 _This is a dream. It has to be._ He thought to himself but he was determined to hold on to it as long as he could. The first smile in ages spread across his lips as he turned around and saw Misaki standing right behind him, dressed in nothing but his old sweater and jeans. The red scarf fluttered on his neck like a banner, flapping in some unseen wind. Death had not changed him in the slightest. He still had the same rosy cheeks Usami knew and loved. His brown hair was gloriously messy again and his lips curved up into a shy, delighted smile as though he had no idea he would bump into Usami here. He frowned suddenly and pointed at his lover.

“Why are you wearing that?”

Usami stepped out of the coffin gingerly. They seemed to be surrounded by a swirling mist. “Isn’t it obvious? I died.”

Misaki snorted and said, “You didn’t die, you dummy. I would have known if you did.”

“So is this all a dream?” Usami asked, feeling his heart deflate a little. He knew it was too perfect to be true. His half-deranged brain must have made up this hallucination to keep him from growing insane. It was impossible that Misaki could be wearing his scarf and talking to him so casually like this as though he were well…

The boy seemed to notice the sad look on his face and he said cheerfully, “But you kept your promise, didn’t you? You said we’d meet again! The train was late so I got delayed and the bones were weak but you made it!”

Usami had no idea what he was talking about but this was a dream after all. Dreamspeak never really made sense so he just rode this surreal wave as well as he could. He opened his arms and said softly, “God, I love it when you don’t make sense.”

Misaki did not need to be asked twice. He fell into his arms instantly, hugging Usami so tightly as though he wanted to crush their souls together and mould them into a new shape. He was smiling into Usami’s thin white robe and he whispered, “I’m sorry I was late. Time is different here.” 

“You mean it’s different in my head. I’m dreaming, aren’t I? This is all just a dream. How am I even aware that this is a dream?” Usami asked logically, reasoning with the figment of his imagination.

Misaki shot him a look that Usami knew well. An exasperated look that he wore whenever his lover was doing something really dumb, a look that said _Really?_ He gestured at Usami dressed in funeral clothes and clutching the bouquet like a torch. “Maybe this is all a metaphor. Think about it. Maybe I’m just some indigested food that’s making you go crazy. I don’t know. I’m not real.” He sounded petulant and Usami chuckled.

“What is real anyway?”

Misaki took the bouquet from him and said abruptly, “Come on. We’re late.”

Then the scene shifted and he was somehow sitting in the plush seat of an express train coach. Misaki sat across from him, playing with the bouquet and he was grinning. He looked at Usami and confessed, “I’ve never ridden first class before. Sometimes they make exceptions when you’re in company of someone important.”

Usami was still trying to process whether he was just making the whole thing up in his head. “Misaki, are you really here?”

The boy rolled his eyes and stepped out to plop down in the seat next to his lover. “You’re the one making the rules in this dream so shouldn’t you know?” His bright green eyes were bright and Usami felt his breath catch in his throat. For a hallucination, Misaki looked surprisingly and devastatingly real. Those soft lips parted and flushed slight pink and that adorable way he held his breath when he spat out his sentences too fast...intoxicating. Usami realized how much he had missed this and he gave a choked sob out of nowhere. “I’m afraid to touch you. I’m afraid that this is all a dream and I’ll wake up and you’re not there.”

Misaki was silent for a moment but then he leaned forward to kiss Usami gently on the lips.

It felt shockingly real for a dream. The man gave a soft moan as he tasted those sweet lips again, soft and yielding under his. He would have never forgotten this sensation in a million lifetimes but here it was again, in his dream as though the universe had finally given him a second chance and looked his way with a smile for once. Usami could not take it anymore and he wrapped his arms around Misaki tightly, fearing he might disappear like a mirage in the desert sun.

But he did not vanish into thin air. He just clung to Usami and kissed him back slowly, gently. Usami could not stop smiling as he leaned in to kiss Misaki harder. Oh God, this dream was better than he ever imagined. 

It felt like the gaping hole in Usami’s heart had filled up with light for a moment and in that second, nothing seemed dark.

When he finally pulled back and Misaki was staring at him from under his eyelashes, breathing hard and flushed red, he whispered, “Are you sure I’m not dead?”

“No.” Misaki said simply. “I told you. All this is probably a metaphor.”

Usami dwelled on that thought for a moment and he looked out of the window. His breath caught in his throat. A gorgeous meadow sped past, acres and acres of green and rainbow-hued wildflowers. The light was blinding. He had never seen a place so bright in his life. But somehow the view shifted to the form of an ocean rolling across and sweeping the meadow until it was underwater, destroying all life and wrecking it beyond recognition. In a blink of an eye, the tsunami receded and somehow the meadow appeared again, regrowing itself in an endless cycle of creation and destruction. He had never seen anything like it in his life and he started to doubt whether he could even make it up in his head.

Misaki was suddenly talking again. He squeezed Usami’s hand and bit his lip before saying softly, “Listen, I actually came to tell you not to worry.”

Usami’s head snapped back to Misaki and he said in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“I’m okay. You wanted to know that I’m okay, right? Well, I’m okay. I’m safe and I’m not in pain anymore.” Misaki was beaming from ear to ear. “I’m not sick anymore, Usagi-san! This is the best I’ve ever been!”

A soft, warm feeling enveloped his heart. Relief. He could not stop smiling and he whispered softly, “Misaki, I was so worried about you.”

The boy smiled sadly at him. “Me too. I miss you so much.”

They watched the view flash past, this time switching to a station full of people, packed from end to end and jostling each other on the platform and screaming for the train to stop so they could get on. The train did not stop and Usami found himself gazing in confused shock at their desperate, screaming faces as they hurtled on. There seemed to be so many of them. Who were they? It felt like every unknown face in the universe blended into shades of grey and white flashing past him. His heart beat faster as they plunged into deep darkness like a wind tunnel had suddenly enveloped them. Usami gazed in wonder at this strange place. Perhaps it was plausible that he had seen all these things in real life and his brain had put them together in a mishmash version of a dream but he was starting to suspect otherwise.

“Where are we really? Where are we going?” he asked Misaki.

The boy just grinned mischievously and placed a finger to his lips. “It’s a surprise. I’m not allowed to spoil it.” Those words echoed oddly in Usami’s mind as though he had heard it in some alternate timeline, gently nudging the facets of reality around in his mind, reshuffling them like a pack of cards.

Misaki was quiet for a moment before whispering, “It’s been such a long journey, Usagi-san. And it’s not over yet.”

They watched the fragile darkness speed past them until Usami was convinced that perhaps the train was not even moving at all, perhaps suspended in the nothingness like a coin held in the air, eternally spinning and never landing on either of its sides. He found himself gazing at Misaki, his dead lover which he thought he would never see again and he wondered what all this meant. Was he supposed to say something to bring his soul peace? Was he supposed to beg him to stay? His heart was torn between both options and he did not know what to do at all. Mostly, he just felt the heaviness in bones, choking his heart with an old weight he thought he had forgotten.

Misaki seemed to know exactly what he was thinking and his eyes softened as he reached out to take Usami’s hand gently. “I know it’s hard.”

Usami bent his head down until his forehead was touching their joined hands and whispered quietly, “It’s just so hard to say goodbye, you know? Everything is so fresh and I keep wondering what a life we could have had…if we…if you…”

The boy sighed and he knelt down in front of Usami. Without pausing, he bumped his forehead against Usami’s forehead hard.

Usami blinked in surprise and his mouth fell open as he touched the slight bruise on his forehead. Misaki was rolling his eyes at him as though he was the biggest idiot in the world. Well, maybe he was.

“I thought I already told you that there’s no use in clinging to the past?! I gave you a heartfelt talk in the kitchen and told you to live your life to the fullest, right?” he groaned. “I can’t believe you forgot everything already! Did you really not even listen to what I said? I thought it sounded pretty poetic and all.”

The older man frowned indignantly and he felt a mortifying sensation of his face turning an embarrassing shade of red. He almost never blushed in front of Misaki before but this time, he couldn’t help it. He never saw Misaki berate him like this and he wasn’t used to feeling so confused and vulnerable. It wasn’t like Misaki to suddenly know all the answers and it unnerved him. Usami frowned, trying to get a grip on himself “Of course I remember what you said. But did you seriously think I was going to be able to move on so fast?”

Misaki shook his head and leaned back against the seat, keeping his hand firmly on Usami’s. It was a sensation Usami was not used to. He was always the one holding Misaki’s hand and trying to put him at ease or pulling him closer out of the cruel world.

But this time, Misaki’s hand holding his trembling hand felt solid and firm, clutching Usami tightly like he was trying to lead a scared child across a busy street. He held him like he knew Usami was drowning and lost in dark waters. Somehow, this small gesture made him feel safe.

“I’m not asking you to move on so fast or anything but I’m just trying to help you. You’ve been so sad lately and it breaks my heart.”

Usami closed his eyes and whispered brokenly, “It’s just so hard without you. I tried to keep you safe and now all I have to remember you are memories.”

Slowly, the darkness outside started to lighten to grey and Usami concentrated on it, trying not to let tears leak out. Misaki was looking at him with such love and understanding. He seemed wiser somehow, as though he knew secrets Usami could not fathom yet and this sensation cast his world off balance. He was so used to being in control and knowing everything, given his perfectionist personality. But he could never control or even know death and this feeling scared him more than anything else in the world. He passed a hand over his eyes and bit his lip, trying to stop his tears but they rolled down anyway.

Gently, Misaki leaned over and hugged him tightly as Usami sobbed softly. He could barely feel anything and he was so angry at himself if everything was an illusion. But something dark, pathetic and depraved in him longed so much for this sensation again that he did not even care if it was all a dream. He clung to Misaki tightly and allowed himself to weep the tears he never got to weep at the funeral. He allowed himself to render his throat dry, crying and shaking like a leaf in a thunderstorm. Misaki said nothing but held him tightly and the older man was struck with the sudden irony, a reversal of their roles before the cancer-when he had been the one holding Misaki so tightly as his lover sobbed over and over again, _“I want to die.”_ Deep in his heart, something cracked and thawed, flooding his entire being with new emotions, warm as blood streaming from a fresh wound.

He did not know how long he had cried but it felt like an eternity had passed before Misaki whispered gently, “Look outside, Usagi-san.”

Slowly, he turned his head to face the window and felt his breath leave his lungs. The greyness had dissipated away to a blinding white light and slowly, it dwindled away to pinpoints of brilliance in the infinite darkness.

He was looking at the cosmos. An entire galaxy of stars shimmering in front of him like spilled jewels.

Misaki gestured at the view and said softly, “The galaxy is just a graveyard of stars. Every star you see is dead. But its light still reaches us across such a distance. After all this time, we can still count the constellations. There is no reason for them to exist, you know? We could have just been in the dark and that should have happened.”

Usami was lost for words and all he could do was stare outside the window. There was so much beauty he did not understand and somehow, this…this swirling universe outside his window told him there was so much more he will never understand in this lifetime.

His lover was talking again, smiling sheepishly this time. “I know it sounds so stupid of me. I was never spiritual. You know that. But you’ve seen it yourself, right? There is no reason for beauty like this to exist. But it _does_. Everyone says that there might not be any meaning to this but I think…” he took a deep breath. “I think it does. There has to be an answer, I’m sure. And I’m going to search for it until I find it.  ”

Usami turned to him and said quietly, “It’s strange how stars that are dead can still shine so brightly.”

Misaki grinned and he continued in a gentler tone. “I know you’re scared. I know you feel alone and that everything is meaningless. But believe me; everything in the universe has a cycle. Everything has a time to die. Even stars.”

The older man was quiet for a while, thinking this over. He understood what Misaki was trying to tell him, the subtle double meaning behind his words. Perhaps yes…this was all a metaphor. This ride through nothingness, this projected illusion in front of him. Slowly, he felt a soft feeling settle in his heart, a soft comfort of bittersweet happiness. “I was scared. I was just so frightened of living a life without you. It all feels so meaningless without you. How can I be happy again?”

Misaki laughed in disbelief. “Usagi-san, you are _alive!_ How can you not be happy?”

Usami opened his mouth to protest weakly but Misaki kept talking. “You have a chance, a choice, an option to go back and to live everything in a new light. You have a chance to live the best you can on this ball of rock spinning in space around a ball of fire. You can make mistakes, find happiness, laugh and experience this messy, beautiful thing we call living. What on earth can you not be happy about?”

He cupped Usami’s face in his hands and whispered, “Don’t let me hold you back. Please. I want you to know that I’m okay. You don’t have to worry about me anymore. Everything is going to be okay, I promise.”

The view outside their window was somehow transforming into a normal station. Perhaps something he had seen before in Shinjuku. He wasn’t even questioning the change in scenery because this time, something deep in his heart told him to trust. Told him that everything was changing and that it was okay to feel afraid and at the same time awed because his lover was right. He had a choice. It was a difficult and brave one but since when had being alive been easy? Just like falling in love, just like writing…everything had a price but it was all worth it.

Usami reached forward to crush Misaki in a tight embrace, burying his face in his hair. “You take care of yourself, okay?”

Misaki looked at him and laughed. “I was just about to say the same thing.” Then he reached out to link his little finger with Usami’s, curling it around his finger in a silent affectionate vow. Usami felt the sweetness of the gesture melt his heart and he turned to look at his lover. The light streaming from the side windows made his figure look as though he were illuminated in gold. Somehow, they were back in Japan as though they had never left.  The scene of people milling about in the station was so familiar to Usami that it made his heart ache.

“Can you promise me something?” Misaki said suddenly.

“Anything.”

“Keep living. Be happy. Even if this may be the last time you see me like this. Even if I have to journey so far that we might not be able to see each other again until the time is right. But all things come back anyway. It’s a circle, Usagi-san.”

There was something unmistakable about Misaki’s tone. It was one of finality, of acceptance and goodbye. It was full of unspoken sadness and duty. He had a feeling that Misaki was going to leave him for good this time and this second parting tore his heart to pieces once more.

But surprisingly, he found a sense of peace settling in his soul and knitting back the pieces of his heart. He found himself gently letting go of Misaki’s hand and smiling sadly at him, feeling his newly-healed heart beat and bleed fresh blood. The sorrow of parting and the bittersweet wonder of this implausible moment weighed heavily on his mind but all he felt now was a deep serenity settling inside his heart.

He took a deep breath and said, “I promise.”

The boy stuck his tongue out at him. “Are you sure you wouldn’t forget again? I don’t want to see you sobbing over me pathetically every night, you hear me?” The familiar sarcastic, bossy tone he loved so much was back and Usami grinned at him, his eyes shining.

“How about every other night?” he joked.

Misaki rolled his eyes and smacked Usami with his bouquet. “I’m giving you a chance here. I came back all this way just to get your life back on track here. You better appreciate this or I’m going to be so mad at you.”

Usami leaned over and kissed Misaki’s forehead. “Thank you.” His voice was filled with unspoken gratitude and love.

Misaki clutched his bouquet shyly, suddenly embarrassed by the kiss. Eventually, he plucked out a deep red tulip and tucked it into Usami’s shirt. “Here. Something to remember me by.”

Usami heard the doors open and he said softly, “Is this your stop?”

The boy shook his head and replied, “Nope. This is yours.”

Understanding dawned in his heart. “You can’t come with me.” But he did not feel anguish when he said that. It was just stating a fact he had known a long time and perhaps was finally coming to terms with. Misaki nodded but then he brightened. “But I can walk you to your stop! Let’s go.”

They held hands all the way out and when they stepped out onto the platform, Usami felt the press of hundreds of bodies all around them, people laughing, talking and going about their own lives. The tremor of life was so strong here, almost like a single note vibrating and humming in the air that everyone danced to unknowingly. Misaki was still smiling at him and finally, Usami was the first one to let go of his hands.

They just stood there, staring at each other for a long moment until the beeping sound of the train doors informed them it was about to depart.

Misaki turned around, half panicked. He smiled apologetically at Usami. “I have to go.”

“It’s okay.” And this time, it really was. Usami lifted his hand up in a half farewell, a small smile playing on his lips.

Misaki looked down at his feet. He seemed so different on the train when they were speeding past unknown landscapes and he was the one showing Usami the wonders of an entire universe that he did not know of but now, he was back to his shy and bumbling self. He seemed to be trying to tell Usami something but he stopped himself.

“What is it?” Usami laughed.

“It’s just that…I…” his cheeks flushed red. “I…don’t want to burden you or anything or make this harder for you. I really am leaving for good this time so if you don’t want to kiss me…because it h-hurts or something, it’s okay…” he rambled helplessly.

But this was different from the time at the funeral when Usami felt like he would die if he kissed Misaki’s cold lips. This time, Usami found himself moving forward and kissing Misaki firmly on those soft, warm lips he loved, smiling softly. Ghost or spirit or imagination made no difference. This was the person he loved forever after all, even in death.

He would never forget the feeling of the whole world standing still when he kissed Misaki.

When they pulled apart, Usami winked at him and drawled, “Haven’t I told you this is my dream and I make the rules? And my rules say kissing Misaki is always a good idea.”

Misaki gave a short laugh and he shook his head in disbelief, a light blush on his happy face. The train was beeping even louder and Misaki stepped back on it, waving at Usami, a look of peace and relief on his face.

“I’m so glad you’re okay now.” He said softly.

Usami just smiled back at him. Suddenly, he blurted out, “When you find your answer, will you tell me what it is?”

The boy grinned at him, hugging the bouquet to his chest. The tulips made him look as though he were covered in brilliant little amber gems. “Of course I will.”

Then he waved cheerfully. “I’ll see you soon.”

Usami stepped back further behind the yellow line on the platform although it felt like he had to summon all his strength to do that. “Until we meet again, Misaki.”

The doors slid shut smoothly with a hiss and a pane of glass separated them. The station barely even noticed them but Usami did not mind. Misaki seemed so happy and well now, free from pain or hurt. There was excitement in his eyes and endless wonder. He couldn’t help smiling and he shoved his hands in his pockets.

Suddenly, just as the train began to move, Misaki tapped on the glass to get his attention. He looked up.

 _I love you_. He mouthed.

The words barely made it through the glass but Usami knew it deep in his heart anyway. He pressed a hand to his heart and replied back loudly, “I love you too. Always.”

Slowly, the train began to pick up speed and he waved to it until he could no longer see Misaki in the window. It was really finally gone. His throat closed up but this time, there were no tears. Just a thoughtful, wistful silence.

Then, he turned around and trudged back through the crowd which surged and pulsed like a river around him, buoying him back to dry land, back to life.

…

In a room filled with spent candles burned in a late night vigil, a man woke up in his bed clutching a single wilted tulip in his hand. His face was wet with tears but this time, when he walked to the windows and drew the curtains back, he heard the sound of birds singing for the first time. He paused and listened. _Really_ listened this time, allowing the music to sink into his soul and newly mended heart.

Spring had arrived.

.

.

.

.

.

_How_

_Rare_

_And_

_Beautiful_

_It_

_Is_

_To_

_Exist_

_-Saturn, Sleeping at Last-_

 


	12. Epilogue

Epilogue

Akihiko Usami sat behind the desk stacked with piles of his latest novel, gazing with wonder at the long line which snaked in front of it, winding around the bookstore and spilling into the crowds of screaming fans in the street. He twisted the golden ring on his finger absent-mindedly in stunned silence. There were so many more readers than Aikawa had predicted and her face was smug as she nudged him.

“I told you the turn-out would be impressive! They’re nuts over your latest novel.”

She was not exaggerating. Usami could barely keep track of the faces he saw and met. There were the usual women and young teenage girls giggling and squealing as they met their favourite author in person and begged him to take a picture with them and sign their book.  But there were also old women and men. Normal straight men and teenage boys who told him that they wished they could write like he did. Well-known writers who showed up out of nowhere to congratulate him sincerely and insist on collaborations. Aikawa even shooed away a few movie directors trying to sneak him movie deals and screenplay offers. Usami felt as though he were in a daze but happiness filled every inch of his soul. This was why he wrote after all. To make others feel as deeply as he did, to fulfill a promise he made to himself a long time ago. Writing was always like breathing to him, something he did with ease but something he could never go without. Deep inside his heart, he felt so very lucky that people actually loved his works as much as he did and no matter how many book signings he did, this feeling never got old.

Aikawa wore her very best scarlet lipstick and her favourite maroon dress patterned with dragonflies. She looked so pleased for him and every few seconds she shot him a smile. She was so proud of how far he had come. He had worked so hard for this and deserved every last bit of fame he got.

The publisher’s weekly praised his latest novel as a “triumph, a glorious song of life and bittersweet hope, of fragility and strength encased in a very unexpected love story.” People who had never read his work or perhaps were uncomfortable with homosexual characters were lining up this very moment to meet him and confess that very book had changed the very way they thought of this genre and that it made them feel so much more than they expected. There were girls who cried when he signed their books and gave him a hug, telling him they hoped he was all right and that it must have been so hard to write something so close to home.

But Usami did not mind. He accepted all this graciously and Aikawa gazed at him in admiration.

“I thought you’d be annoyed after all this.” She said, bemused as yet another fan handed him a card wishing him well.

Usami loosened his tie. He was wearing his favourite navy one to pair with his black suit. It had been Misaki’s favourite too. “You know they care in their own way. I don’t mind.” He smirked.

She laughed and gave him a new pen from her pocket as he put aside the empty one, exhausted from signing hundreds of books. Then she unhooked the velvet rope separating him from the line and another person stepped up. Usami’s heart leapt in his throat for a moment as his brain was trying to process what he was seeing in front of him.

Brown hair sticking out in every direction. A bright, cheerful smile…

He blinked and the illusion faded away. Instead, he was staring at a petite girl with her dark brown hair cut in a spiky, pixie cut and her pink lips stretched up in a friendly smile. Her eyes were hazel instead of green and he found himself shaking his head in disbelief. This was pretty difficult for him but he remembered what Misaki said. Healing takes time. It’s a journey, not an end-goal.

The girl reverently held out her book and said in a clear, bright voice. “I am really honoured to be able to meet you today, sensei. You’re my favourite author ever.”

Usami smiled kindly at her and opened her freshly-bought copy of his novel to the front page. With a flourish, he signed his characters on the paper as the girl watched him in silent awe. “The pleasure is mine. I’m so thankful you liked this novel. It was a hard journey to write it, I assure you.”

“Oh, I loved every single bit of it!” the girl gushed in enthusiasm. Her eyes shone as she continued in a rush, “I loved how you flipped the old myth around on its head entirely! It was supposed to have a tragic ending, right? I’ve studied Greek tragedies in school so I know the original story did not end well AT ALL! But what you did…oh my gosh, it was so clever and refreshing, changing the genders and making it into an epic adventure next to a romance. You need to do more of this. Please.”

Usami laughed, a little embarrassed at the amount of love she had shown for the novel. “What was your favourite part?”

The girl paused for a while, tapping a fingernail against her elfin chin. She had such small, impish features that she looked half fey. “I especially liked the scene when Orpheus turned around and his lover wasn’t there. He was just lost in the darkness for a moment and then, he realized that perhaps the whole time the maze was an illusion. The darkness was just in his head all along. When he thought that, immediately the light came in and he progressed to the next quest even though he did not know if he might see his lover again since he broke his promise to Hades but he had to try.”

“I thought that part was kind of sad. He was not supposed to turn back.”

“No! No! It made the story worth it. If everything were so easy, their love wouldn’t be so pure, right? That’s the point of _Orpheus_ , isn’t it? To show that it is brave and noble to love and try to fight for it no matter the odds against them. It all worked out at the end, thank god.” she sighed in relief.

Usami grinned. Deep inside, he said a prayer of thanks to a boy who told him not so very long ago to change the darn ending of the story. It wasn’t supposed to be so far from the original myth to be honest…just gayer perhaps. But all his readers did not need to know that.

The girl hugged her signed copy and sighed happily. “Thank you so much! I know I’m annoying you. It’s just…this was an amazing story.”

Usami thought about all he had experienced, the twisting journey through the underworld and back again, his very own personal hell and heaven. “Yes. I must admit, it is pretty amazing.”

She bowed low to him and he bowed back. “Please keep writing, sensei!” she said breathlessly.

Usami promised he would.

He glanced at the golden title of his novel spelled out across the covers. _Orpheus_. The story that was never meant to be. The story that was originally a tragedy. But now he had changed its universe even in a tiny way. He had created joy and love from suffering. He had never been more grateful.

Suddenly, Aikawa walked up to his side, staggering under a bouquet made out of every flower imaginable. “An anonymous fan sent this. Probably one of those well-wishers. Where should I put this?”

Usami was about to suggest to her to put it with the rest of the bouquets he had received but he recognized the logo of the florist on the ribbon tying the vibrant blooms together. He smiled, seeing the riotous colours as though they were trying to cheer him up and chasing away every last bit of sadness. Daffodils for new beginnings, zinnia for thoughts of absent friends and amaryllis to symbolize success for writing, arts or scholastic achievements. Only one florist could create such a thoughtful bouquet.

“Actually, I’d like that on my desk, please.” Usami chuckled as he himself reached out to take the bouquet, marveling at the strangeness of life. A few minutes later, Takahiro and Manami called him to express their joy and congratulations. It was so humbling to have this many people care about him.

Outside, the trees swayed gently in a light breeze under a bright blue sky. Everything looks fresh and gentle under the golden light, as though made anew.

…

When Usami had finally finished his book signing session and accepted many more bouquets he than he could carry home, Aikawa offered him a ride. She looked so happy and she placed a hand on his elbow lightly. “You’ve done so well. The company is going to flip. We’ve sold out every single copy.”

“You’re the best editor we’ve ever had.”

“I’m also the most ruthless. Same thing, right?” she laughed heartily. Then she cast him a questioning glance. “Hey…up for a drink later again?” This was their unspoken code for those few dark weeks when he was so determined to numb the pain with wine and beer. Aikawa had been silently offering her beer tab with no judgement and she understood if he was still unable to let go…

“No, thank you. I don’t think I’ll need that today.” Usami was smiling. She blinked in surprise. This was the first time she saw him smile in months.

“Are you sure?” she asked in wonder.

Usami nodded. He had never looked stronger or happier. “Positive. I think…I won’t need to drink for a long time.”

Aikawa felt her face light up in a smile of relief. Her friend was back. He was finally going to be okay. Something had definitely changed. The day seemed much brighter immediately even though evening was fast falling.

But then Usami held up his cigarette and said apologetically, “But I can’t quit this habit though. Some things are just too diffficult. I was under a lot of stress.”

The red-haired woman opened her purse and passed him a lighter. “What would Misaki say about this?” she half-teased, hoping he wouldn’t get offended.

But to her surprise and relief, he simply grinned cockily and said, “He’d have to deal with it. He probably would think it was sexy.”

“Cigarette breath is sexy?”

“Alcohol breath is sexy?” he retorted and Aikawa burst into laughter. It felt good to joke around with her friend again and she said a silent thanks to the universe.

“Okay, I’m going now. The bar isn’t opening but what the heck, I need to celebrate. We’re having the company celebration party tomorrow for you so don’t miss it, okay?” she grinned and headed to her car as Usami walked in the other direction, strolling easily with his coat slung over his shoulder. He was whistling cheerfully and gave her a backwards wave, both lazy with promise and potential. Of course he’d find a way to skip the thing. Lazy bastard. But at least he was back to normal. Well, as normal as she remembered him to be.

Aikawa drove away with a wide grin on her face.

…

Usami walked carefully to the park, taking his time to admire his surroundings. The trees were blooming with delicate pink blossoms nestled among light green leaves. Children were walking home from school as the golden-tinged shadows stretched long across the buildings and streets. The sky was streaked with endless clouds in shades of red, pink and mauve. He made his way down the familiar path and settled down on the bench overlooking the lake.

The park was almost empty now save for a few other people walking around, enjoying the spring evening. He smiled and closed his eyes, feeling a gentle breeze ruffle his silver hair. The air smelled of fresh flowers and rich, good earth. The smell of life and all the growing things. On the mirror surface of the lake, two white swans glided across. He watched them for a while, remembering and thinking wistfully of another time when he had talked with someone he loved very much on this very bench.

Missing Misaki does not fade over time but it did eventually become a gentle tune in the background of his head, spurring him on in his daily life. The weight of his sacrifice, the memory of his love…it all weighed heavily on his mind but he was not burdened by it anymore. It was more of an anchor grounding his ship to safety rather than a cage pinning him to one spot. He was free now. At peace. He would not allow those memories to hurt him.

Loving someone should be the softest and most beautiful thing in the world. It did not have to hurt. Death had no power over something so powerful. Who was he to even question this fact?

Usami wondered where Misaki was now. Was he journeying further than he ever imagined? Was he thinking of him in this same moment? Perhaps somewhere in the grave, he might have turned to dust but he seemed so alive now in his memories and his voice seemed to be whispering in the wind around him.

Usami closed his eyes and let the memories wash over him like sunlight.

Suddenly, he heard a light fluttering. His eyes opened in surprise to see a butterfly hovering next to him. It landed lightly on his left shoulder and he could hardly breathe.

He swore he could remember the pattern on its wings. The last time he had seen it, it was dead and dying on his front porch. But now its scarlet and black wings beat the air strongly, fluttering playfully around him and using its delicate legs to climb up his shoulder up to his neck. Was it the same butterfly or its progeny? He had no idea but he did not dare to move or say anything, for fear of frightening this beautiful creature. The wings fluttered in front of him and he closed his eyes. In his mind, he spotted a red scarf wrapped around the neck of his lover who was laughing at him. That laughter was a question he wanted to spend the rest of his life answering.

He felt the butterfly’s miniscule legs pattering along his chin like raindrops. It scaled its way up to his lips and rested there for a moment, antenna tasting him as though he were a flower. He felt every movement, every tremor of its beautiful wings in the evening breeze. Time stood still for a moment like it was begging him to listen, to understand and to _remember_.

Wonder filled his heart and he exhaled softly through his lips without thinking.

The butterfly beat its wings in surprise and it felt as though it flew against its lips in a kiss, lighter than a touch of wind. He opened his eyes and watched it soar away like a small origami crane made of fire, of rose petals. It fluttered in the wind, circling him a few times before flying away into the sunset.

And for the first time in months, a real smile lit up Usami’s face. It stretched across his face and it could not even express the joy inside his heart, the meaning and secrets he somehow stumbled upon without even trying.

He thought of Misaki, the way he made him feel safe, the way he said “I love you” in the sleepy way of his in bed, their touches and kisses in the rain.

For the first time, Usami saw his life stretching out in front of him like a map leading to new and undiscovered locations. It was such a long journey but the wonder of it all, the sheer splendor of being alive filled him with such joy he did not mind.

At the end of it, there was a light brighter than he could imagine. But he wasn’t there yet. Not even close. For now, he had to keep living. To take each day one step at a time and to keep his promise. The dead never leave us really. They stay with our hearts. We see them everywhere and nowhere. But despite it all, they teach us that life has never been more precious.

_Everything’s going to be okay, Usagi-san.  I promise._

And so it was.

…

_Fine_

 

 

 


	13. Thank you

You've come this far, reading this story in the tiny hidden corner of the internet. Thank you for that. Thank you for appreciating it as much as I did. Just thank you.


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